writings under the faerie moon

afraid of the unseen

2010-01-27T14:51:00.000-05:00

About a week or two ago an old fear came back...

As a child I had an intense irrational fear of snakes coming out of the toilet and shower drain. I wasn't afraid of snakes - I've always liked them. But I was afraid that while sitting on the toilet snakes would emerge to attack me. Or while I washing my hair and had my eyes closed, snakes would come up from the drain to attack me - sometimes I was afraid spiders or snakes would come out of the showerhead, too.

I was unable to alleviate these fears for many many years, no matter how rational I was able to be about it. I knew I was safe. I knew no snakes or spiders could fit through those tiny holes. I knew that it was highly unlikely snakes could make it all the way through the plumbing and up the drains into my toilet or shower. But I was still terrified.

What made matters worse was my long hair... which if seen by me while in a showering situation, sent me into a panic that spiders and snakes were upon me.

I had another shower-related fear, too. But this one developed when I was a little older (maybe late teens, but definitely by college). The terror that someone would break into my home and attack me while I was in the shower - unable to see or hear them. Now, you're thinking "oh, she watched Psycho"... yes, I had seen that film. But it didn't really frighten me. And I wasn't afraid of Norman or his crazy dead mom, or being knifed. Mostly I was afraid of sexual assault.

I dealt with all of these fears by washing my hair very quickly, with my eyes wide open. It was okay to close my eyes for a snap second, but only just. Because even one second was enough to send my fear spiraling out of control - my heart palpitating, my mind racing.

I never could really do much about the snake/spider fear. I just had to keep telling myself not to worry, it's nearly impossible. But when I was old enough to have my own apartment, I dealt with my "stranger breaking in and attacking me while I showered" fear by buying a clear shower curtain.

A clear shower curtain allowed me to always see what was happening in the bathroom, and somehow it eased my fears tremendously. In fact, I don't remember when that fear finally went away, but certainly it's been gone for a decade or so... until last week.

Last week, without any warning, I found myself in the shower... gripped by fear that someone was in the apartment and on their way to the bathroom to harm me.

Where on earth had this come from? Why was this fear back? It has continued daily since it's reappearance, and once last week I was startled when a piece of my long hair brushed against my bare shoulder and I saw the thick darkness of it against my pale skin.

We've gone a few years without having a clear shower curtain mostly because we've had transparent shower doors or roommates who bought the shower curtains before we arrived. And we've had opaque shower curtains for several months without me experiencing this kind of reaction. So, why now? What changed?

When I think about what is happening in my life at this very moment, what comes up for is that I feel so incredibly vulnerable. There are a lot of unknowns right now and I do not feel safe.

The biggest thing that I can grab hold of to make sense of this fear is that my health is wacky - I don't know which way is up when it comes to my body anymore, it's a different ballgame and no one gave me a rule book. I'm increasingly afraid of dying young. I have no issues dying when I'm 75, but when I think of being very ill and dying in a couple years it really scares me - I cry every time I let the thought cross my mind. And even though I've never felt ready to have kids, I'm deeply saddened that I don't have children and probably never will. And I am afraid of my Medicaid not being renewed - that would mean no medical care, which I need because who knows when this disease is going to crank up the volume.

I never expected my 30s to be a terrifying time in my life. I thought I was done with all the fear.

For the moment, I pull the opaque outter shower curtain back so that I can see through the transparent liner... it helps a little, but it doesn't fully soothe my fears. I am meeting with a therapist tomorrow, so now I suppose we'll have something to discuss, haha. I hope we can pull back the opaque layer of my mind and investigate what is on the other side.

The Silent Treatment pt1

2010-01-26T12:04:00.001-05:00

When my dad gets mad at people he shuts them out. He ignores them when in the same room/home, and doesn't contact them if they live apart. Then one day out of the blue, he begins talking to /contacting them again as if nothing out of the ordinary transpired. The unspoken agreement is that everyone just allows this to happen and doesn't address the problem that had happened, or the communication issue. It's rather odd.

I've only lived with my dad a handful of times... as a baby for maybe a year (while my mom and he were together), when I was 10 (for about 4 months), again when I was 14 (for about 5 or 6 months), and then when I was 17 (for about 2 months).

When I was 8 - 11 I would stay with my dad for part of the summer. And from age 8 to 13 I was supposed to stay with him every other weekend. When this didn't happen it was because he didn't show up. And in fact, he'd disappear from my life for months at a time, even though he wasn't mad at me. He simply had a drug problem that had spiraled out of control.

While growing up we'd always had a very positive relationship. He had always been patient, loving, caring, playful, and kind. In fact, he never yelled at me while I was a child, or spanked me. He just didn't believe in it.

The only time he ever yelled at me was in front of his new girlfriend (at the time) when I was 14, and it was a total over-reaction to me not wanting to do the dishes. What 14 year old wants to wash dishes? The way I remember it, he only asked me twice before yelling. If I had been his girlfriend, that would have been my first clue to exit the relationship.

When I was 17 he shut me out over child support payments - something which had little to do with my choices but everything to do with his and my mom's choices. He didn't come to my high school graduation or my graduation party (which was held at his mom's house). I received no acknowledgment for my accomplishment other than a subpoena... he was suing me to end child support payments because I was living in a transitional housing program for homeless teens... the result was a court order to continue paying until I graduated from college (which would be a couple years more in payments than if he'd have not done anything). All of this was extremely painful for me and still impacts my relationship with money today.

A couple years later, once I was attending a WSU, he tried to re-enter my life... his first phone call to me was asking if I could get him Apple Cup tickets. I told him I couldn't, and then bought tickets for me and my mom to go instead. I felt like he was trying to use me for his own benefit. I certainly didn't feel like he deserved anything from me.

Within another year he started pressuring me to graduate early... his girlfriend was pregnant and they needed that child support money that was still coming to me monthly. A whopping $220 a month. I told him "no" because I was not willing to compromise my education.

I sent him holiday cards and a birthday card after that... hoping to still have a somewhat amicable relationship. I didn't hear back. So, I assumed he was ignoring me, and I decided that I was done. I would absolutely no longer tolerate someone coming into and dropping out of my life whenever they felt like it. It had traumatized me emotionally. It was not okay and I felt strong enough to say so.

So, I wrote him a letter from the depths of my pained heart telling him about every negative experience I could remember having in his care (the humiliation, the lies, the abandonment), and everything I had wanted from him (love, communication), and what I saw that stood between us (his greed), and that I would no longer be speaking to him because it was not healthy for me to have him in my life (or popping in and out).

We didn't speak for a decade.

I think it was one of the healthiest choices I could have made for myself. I needed to create stability in my life. I needed emotional safety. I needed to heal.

All of this did come with some added unpleasantness. My dad's family (his sisters, and mom) were very invested in me and him having a relationship. They would urge me to talk to him, call him, try to be in his life. They could not have understood how much pain he had caused in my life. I told them that they only thought I should talk to him because he was my dad. If he had been a spouse and had treated me the way he treated me, they would have applaud me for getting out of an abusive relationship and would have told me never to look back. But because we share some DNA I should forgive him and allow him to make up the rules that determine how our relationship work. All but my Grandma eventually stopped talking to me... By shutting out an abuser, I lost most of my family.

Today I am not close with my dad by any means. He refuses to discuss anything that happened in the past, any choices either of us made, our not talking for years. He won't even acknowledge it. But he must be hurting, too. We send emails a couple times a year. Mainly I think he just wanted to create a connection between me and his 12 year old daughter, my youngest sister. I suppose that means he thinks I turned out okay. She and I communicate through email weekly, sometimes more or less. And I hope it has been a positive experience for her. It has been for me.

As I think about my dad's way of coping with his emotions - to shut out people - I can't help but think about my own way of dealing with my emotions. Mostly I tell people how I feel when or soon after I've recognized what I'm feeling. Sometimes it takes me a lot of time to sort it all out. I don't often get upset enough to shut people out, but sometimes I do... but the only person I really do this with is my partner. And it tends to be because what I feel is wholly overwhelming... if I truly let it through I will rage or cry or say something very very damaging. And in all honesty this is a terrifying thought. I certainly do not want to go wild with rage at my partner, or sob uncontrollably. And under no circumstances do I want to say anything hurtful or damaging.

But ignoring someone causes them pain, too. I know this firsthand. And as I imagine how my partner must feel when I am so angry that I ignore him for a whole day, I feel guilty. I don't want to cause that kind of pain. The upside is that, unlike my dad, once I've done some thinking on whats going on for me, I am able to talk about whatever happened. And I am able to even talk about how I used silence and why.

But the truth is that my dad's tools won't work for this job. I need new tools to deal with my emotions. I need tools that heal and join. I need tools that nurture connection and provide understanding.

so far so good

2010-01-13T15:08:00.003-05:00

had my intake appointment at the Karen Horney Clinic... the place is comfortable and attractive, accessible by my nearest train, and i get the feeling that the therapists are competent. i'm quite hopeful and even a bit excited to start therapy there. i kinda wish i had found this place first.

in other news, i've actually been feeling really good lately. perhaps ive mentioned this. i totally attribute it to taking vitamin D. MisterB (my sweetie, who is a 2nd yr MSW student) says that in one more week i will no longer meet the criteria for Dysthymia! that is pretty freakin' exciting! i think it's been near 5 years since i last did not meet the criteria, so this is a bit of a milestone.

i actually feel very spiritually connected, too... something i haven't felt strongly for a couple years. Mister B and i were discussing Maslow's hierarchy of needs and how this relates to spiritual connection. if our other basic needs aren't met (food/shelter/love/safety/health) we can have difficulty experiencing spiritual connection. once our basic needs are met, our minds are more open to experiencing that connection. MisterB explains this much better than i just did... but you get the idea.

i've found that when i'm feeling very unwell (not just having a cold, but long-term unwellness due to my connective tissue disease) i can't buy into the spiritual beliefs/teachings that i am easily able to connect with when i feel well. for example, when i feel well i absolutely know that the universe is conspiring to shower me with gifts and joy and goodness. when i feel unwell i feel apathetic about this idea or like it's B.S. when i feel unwell, im unable to meditate or really get into spiritual books that, when im well, i typically enjoy.

right now, im enjoying being able to connect to my spiritual self. i feel positive, joyful, and hopeful... even though i still feel somewhat physically unwell.

the only thing that has changed in the last few months is the vitamin D. although i suppose i have eaten an extraordinary amount of cheesecake lately, lol. still, im betting it's the vitamin D and not the cheesecake that is making all the difference :)

frustrated incorporated

2010-01-09T05:37:00.006-05:00

i am so frustrated by my experience at LICH that I don't even want to talk about it any more, although you know i'm about to talk about it. i have never so wholly been treated like a non-person in every office in an entire organization. partly, because i haven't had to receive "services" or be "in the system" in more than 10 years. i guess i got so used to being a person over the last decade that i find it appalling when i'm not treated like one. still, there are others who have never been treated like a person in their entire life because they have always been "in the system." that makes me sad and angry.

the system sucks.
it is supposed to help, but it oppresses.

what i am proud of is that i decided to take action to make a change and not tolerate the shitty health care.

i will no longer be receiving any of my health care through LICH. i had to spend at least 3 hours in a waiting room every time i went to an appointment, and had to go to a different department to see a different doctor for every health service need. my gynecology specimens were lost and had to be retaken (i refused to come in for a THIRD appointment to get results and insisted they call me with results). i was repeatedly told to take Tylenol by different doctors (Tylenol only MASKS pain and does nothing for the inflammation which causes the pain i have), and when i asked for a referral for therapy for coping with all that was going on, my doctor seemed reluctant and surprised. i didn't even feel like i could ask for other referrals.

my luck with the LICH psychiatry department was just as poor... (i don't need a psychiatrist - i don't need medication, i need a social work therapist - i need to be heard and asked powerful questions!) The LICH psych nurse totally pushed medication (i know it's her job, but that wasn't why i was there!) and the therapist did not treat me as a whole person, seemed to work really hard at keeping my stuff at the surface level (rather than helping me go deeper), and then kept asking what my goals in therapy were. uh, we've covered that... im in crisis! help me cope with a chronic health condition. help me cope with being treated like a non-person in a system that is supposed to be helping me. help me heal my emotional wounds so that i can have healthy relationships with more than one person at a time!

really, she only needed to competently do one thing - listen. she failed. i think my poverty made this therapist uncomfy. i think she couldn't hold my fear and anxiety. i think it doesn't matter because i won't be seeing her again.

i stand firmly by my belief that therapy should not cause a person to leave more distressed than they came in. same goes for routine medical care.

Solutions:

i called a therapy clinic in Manhattan that my friends in social work school keep raving about as phenomenal... turns out the place takes Medicaid... and on the phone they treated me like a real person. so far, so good. next week, i'll call back to make an intake appointment.

i also called Medicaid and switched my primary doctor to someone at the clinic i went to last year (pre-Medicaid). i had some pretty thorough care at that clinic and felt like i was taken seriously and treated like a whole person (except, ironically, by the social work intern who helped me get on Medicaid). in fact, the doctors had actually involved me in my health care, asking me what i thought was going on and what i wanted in my care. they didn't try to push medication of any kind (although it was offered when required/needed), and even suggested "alternatives" - licorice tea for my sore throat at the time, art expression (for depression/coping with stress), physical therapy (for my hip). i truly appreciated the experience i had there.

i should have just gone back to this clinic in the first place. but the doctor i saw was a resident and wasn't there any longer... and i was worried if i got sick i wouldn't be able to make it there easily, and i needed to know i could get there easily. i also assumed i'd get just as good of care at any clinic that took Medicaid. i was wrong.

all care is not equal.

diagnosis ridiculous

2009-12-13T15:15:00.001-05:00

Last week I was diagnosed with a systemic autoimmune disorder called Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease. (UCTD)

The immune system's job is to help keep the body healthy by fighting invading bacteria and viruses. With an autoimmune disease, the immune system becomes confused and overactive. This means my immune system is attacking my own cells thinking they are bacterial/viral invaders. (This is different than HIV/AIDS where the immune system is under-active and unable to fight off invading bacteria and viruses.) Autoimmune diseases are thought to be caused by environmental influences and/or genetic predisposition - they aren't contagious or transmittable.

Systemic means it affects my whole body.

Connective tissue is the "glue" that supports and connects various parts of the body; it includes skin, cartilage, muscles, and other tissue in the joints and surrounding the heart and lungs and within the kidney and other organs.

The undifferentiated part means the symptoms I currently experience match symptoms common among several different autoimmune diseases like Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Sjogren's Syndrome. And even though I do test positive for Lupus and negative for the other autoimmune diseases, there aren't enough characteristics of a well-defined disease (like Lupus) to make the diagnosis.

Autoimmune diseases have no cure. There is a 50/50 chance my condition will develop enough to diagnose it as Lupus. Which means there is also a 50/50 chance it will remain as it is and the symptoms will never progress.

There are some medications available, but the medications tend to be toxic and the side effects are more awful than what I'm already experiencing. Currently, I'm taking Vitamin D supplements to see if that alleviates any of my symptoms before I agree to take any other medication.

With my cells being so busy kicking their own asses, it leaves the rest of me with very little energy. Some symptoms come and go. Others seem to be a permanent fixture. Essentially I’ve felt like I’ve had the flu for a couple years (achy muscles, joint pain, fatigue, lungs are tight, random fevers for no damn reason, nausea, dizziness). I do have other non-flu symptoms, too (like depression, Raynauds, migraine-like headaches with vomiting, confusion, memory difficulty, etc).

Looking back, I believe this has actually been in development since I was a kid or teen, and has only become more prevalent in the last 5 years. Five years ago I was extremely ill for three weeks with what looked like an extremely bad flu but no one around me got sick - not one person. I was planning to leave my job to become self-employed anyway, so they released me. To help make ends meet over the last 5 years I have tried all kinds of part-time work - mostly temp jobs. But every time I’ve started working I’ve gotten sick within a couple of days. Totally. Not. Normal. I just thought I was sensitive, or that it was my mind rebelling against office work by getting my body to play sick, lol. I had no idea there was something more serious going on. Certainly I feared this possibility, but I didn't believe it.

Over the last couple of years my activity has dwindled considerably as the disease activity has picked up. I'm just not able to be as active as I want to be - when I push myself too hard I get sick. And what is now considered "pushing myself" is pretty lame. I continue to create art for self-expression and income as much as I can. I don't really have the energy to do the marketing and sales in order to have art support me financially. And I really do not have the energy to continue with my coaching practice, and am no longer accepting new clients. This does leave me in a bit of a financial quandary.

I hate admitting this stuff - the exhaustion and lack of energy especially. I've always prided myself on being a strong trooper who pushes through even if I'm not feeling well. So having to slow down (and often do nothing) is hard for me. In fact, a lot of the symptoms really push my ego-buttons. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, or tell me how strong I must be, or think I'm full of shit, or be afraid to talk to me, or tell me to buck up, or be mad at me. I don't need advice, or encouragement, or discouragement, or admonishments, or to be told how to feel or think. I don't need anything at the moment besides being allowed to be wherever I'm at in the moment. Listening and nodding is enough.

There is some grieving I will be doing around all of this over the next few months as I work out what all of this means for me.

not freaking out

2009-10-19T19:48:00.002-04:00

okay, so my lab results came back and my doc says they "hint at lupus." so, we meet again in three weeks to check in and then she's referring me to a rheumatologist who can look over my charts, recommend additional testing, and monitor my condition.

im not really phased by it this time around... (a year and a half ago a doc told me i had lupus [and later called me to say i didnt and more tests needed to be done])... apparently i actually got all of the freaking out done back then.

here's what i think helps me not be in freak out mode:
1. i actually feel pretty healthy (and have for several months).
2. the doc says the tests indicate my organs are healthy.
3. im certain im going to live a long and healthy life (regardless of any disease).
4. my doctor is taking me seriously, and isn't freaking out.
5. my partner (Mr B) isn't freaking out.
6. ive already researched all this and freaked out a year+ ago.

ive also got upcoming appointments with the psych department in order to get a therapist, in part to help me cope with this. im quite excited about the chance to receive therapy and a irritated at how long it's taking to get this part rolling.

a bit

2009-10-05T22:28:00.002-04:00

feeling a bit better. although i use "a bit" loosely.

started doing ceramics again a few weeks ago and that gives me something to funnel my energy and emotions into. or perhaps it gives me a place to escape said emotions while actually finding some energy.

im a bit frustrated that the clay is so damp - it's difficult to work with and impossible to keep centered.

today i threw a planter, two herb jars (with one lid), and a mug. a bit of a hodge podge, but since im just getting going again i'm willing to be flexible about what i create.

oh, mercury is out of retrograde. maybe things will make more sense for a bit.

heavy hearted

2009-09-30T16:44:00.003-04:00

my heart has been so heavy the past couple days. i just feel like i want to cry, and often do with little provocation. im not really sure how to deal with this. do i just sit down for a cry? do i journal? is there some way to work through how i feel so that there is release and healing? what is my problem?

the only thing i can think of is to keep busy. don't let the sadness take over. keep it at bay with busy hands.

so, i tried going to the ceramics studio for open studio hours but the doors were locked. i came home and started messing about my art studio, listening to music. i made some phone calls so i could check those things off my to-do list. i put a couple hours into an online game i got into over the summer. i worked on gifts for people (im practicing cards with pop-outs using construction paper). i worked on photo organization. and im running out of stuff to "do."

i dont really feel like doing a whole lot of creative self-expression activities. but eventually im going to have to just stop doing and just be in the emotion.

Paradox

2009-09-25T21:47:00.004-04:00

Often times I struggle with how to deal with the paradox of having power and privilege in some areas of my life (being white, appearing/passing as heterosexual, having a college education, having English as my first language), while in other areas of my life experiencing systematic oppression (being queer and female, growing up in poverty, navigating the bureaucracy of government assistance). How I view myself conflicts with how I actually experience the world around me.

I see myself as an empowered, healthy, educated, white, woman, but when I interact within American systems of power and privilege / oppression (it's paradoxically both!) there are ways in which any empowerment I feel is undermined and where I experience a deep sense of helplessness and powerlessness. For example, waiting for 6 hours at a clinic to see a social worker for Medicaid screening before I can finally access a doctor for my immediate illness, or even the 10 month process of trying (and retrying) to get Medicaid.

As I move through these systems I find myself feeling embarrassed, ashamed, helpless, powerless, and insignificant. And as I am often treated as such, my self-confidence drops and I find it difficult to speak up for myself or ask for what I need.

There is internal conflict between who I see myself as / who want to be (an agent of change, someone who empowers others, someone who can buy what she needs when she needs it), and how I experience the world / who I am (someone who feels helpless and powerless while navigating our social services as a client, and someone who has so little money she feels the need to comparison shop for 8 months over a $9.50 brush although her old one is down to only a dozen bristles).

I still don't know how to deal with the paradox. Can I be both empowered and dis-empowered at the same time? How do I hold onto any sense of empowerment I feel when I experience this deep sense of powerlessness?

out of practice

2009-09-20T18:22:00.004-04:00

as i was sitting in contemplation today, it occurred to me that about 20 years ago (while i was a teenager) i began cutting out from my life the things that brought me joy. the one that stood out in my mind was singing. the only thing i really wanted to be while i was growing up was a singer. well, specifically a rock star, but whatever. so, in middle school, as soon as choir was an available elective, i began singing publicly. i loved it. i loved the public recognition. i loved expressing myself through song.

so, what was it that made me choose to stop being in choir?

i can think of a few things that really caused me to make such a choice.
1. we moved a lot. so, although i was being recognized by my teachers (who wanted me to try out for various singing groups in the next grade), every time we moved i had to start over in a new school where i didn't know the teacher and they didn't know my ability.

2. there was a lot of conflict within the group. at one school i actively participated in this type of drama, and was disgusted with myself for getting sucked in. i didn't want to hurt other people, and i didn't want people trying to engage me in conflict either.

3. although i received some recognition from teachers, i had little or no support from my family. i only recall one occasion that anyone in my family came to see me perform and it was a struggle to get them there - a whole two blocks from our house. without family supporting my interests, just by showing up, i started to look for adults who would be there for me, and found this in youth activism.

i miss singing. i miss performing. but now i feel so out of practice. i did get some of what i needed when i started taking violin lessons a couple years ago. but it's not the same.

i wish i'd have found a different way to deal with the inner conflicts, and i wish i'd have found an adult to support my singing. perhaps i'd have made a different choice about it and my life would be just slightly more satisfying today.

not sure how i'll move forward on this one.

giving voice to my experiences

2009-09-18T19:12:00.007-04:00

i think maybe it's time to start blogging again. it's been a LONG time. and i think i may have thoughts and feelings and experiences i need to give voice to. and you should be warned, they aren't pretty and flowery... well, some could be. but by and large they are of the "looks like i'm battling depression" variety.

i'm struggling right now. that's probably not really new. technically i've been struggling my whole damn life. but there was a period of about 6 years in my mid-twenties when i was taking anti-depressants and my life felt pretty free from struggle... until i decided to stop taking anti-depressants about 4 years ago.

actually i'm not certain how much "choice" i really had in the matter... when it came down to it, i could either continue to buy anti-depressants or i could continue to pay rent and buy food. i could not continue to do both. i no longer had medical insurance, so i paid out-of-pocket for my medication for 8 months until i could no longer afford it. then i had to taper off the medication and start my long descent into the hell that is... well, whatever this is, it's surely not truly who i am or the life i am meant to live.

so here i am. i'm confused, exhausted, angry, sad, terrified, stagnant, impinged upon, and isolated. and this is just how i feel on a typical day. on a good day, i feel better. on a bad day, worse.

i find that i don't want people to know i'm struggling, or know how i'm feeling. they might feel sorry for me. and i hate it when people feel sorry for me. or they might blame me. and i hate being blamed. they might hold me up as some sort of example. and i hate being an example. they might tell me what to do. and i really hate being told what to do.

i can't imagine what my life looks like from the outside. but from the inside, it's a pretty lonely and painful place. it is in this blog that i will try to give voice to my experiences, with the hope that this will be therapeutic and offer me some relief.

squares of goodness

2009-04-09T10:15:00.003-04:00

i shall meet my love
in squares rich with life's goodness
then we shall hang out

one's possessive rule
amongst soft squares of plush goodness
the blue monster plays

i'm really liking goodness and squares. i could do a whole book of haikus just featuring squares of goodness... makes me think of brownies or baklava (before it's cut).

New Artisans Market!

2009-03-13T09:31:00.003-04:00

I just opened up shop in a new online marketplace... 1000 Markets, an emerging market for artisans.

Right now, I'm adding light switch plate covers, and expect to add my paintings and other pieces over time. Come take a look at my shop - and browse other shops in the marketplace, too!

Next stop - Rome!

2009-03-04T23:14:00.004-05:00

So, DB has a summer internship in Europe... and since we love to be together, and it costs just as much to be apart as it does to travel together, there is no sense in spending the summer apart when we can tour Europe for 3 months. Am I right?

Our first stop is Rome, where we'll be for a week. Then we'll head to Switzerland where we'll set up camp. On weekends we'll make journeys together, and during the week we'll live in our Swiss town, and I'll likely do some adventuring on my own. We don't have the rest of our itinerary planned out yet, and that is part of the fun! We have been discussing Germany and Scotland for the last couple weeks of our trip before we return to the US.

Now... I'll just have to find some portable types of art that I can do while I'm living out of a suitcase!

Of course... I'll also be posting my travels here, for you.

2008 Handmade Gift Guide

2008-12-01T16:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,

I just love sharing with you my favorite artists, artisans, crafters, and entrepreneurs from around the world! I love that there are so many people out there making unique creations by hand, and that these beautiful creations are accessible to so many of us via the internet. This year, the list is exclusively sourced from my favorite place for all things hand made - Etsy.

Perhaps within these shops you will find some unique gifts to share with your loved ones this holiday season.

Buy handmade. It's good for you.

In Celebration of You,
Amy

GREETING CARDS & BOOKS

WovenMoon.etsy.com
Charlotte, NC
Limited edition couture cards and gifts.

LaurenAlexander.etsy.com
Overland Park, KS
Adorable art and packs of greeting cards

moderncard.etsy.com
Martha’s Vineyard, MA
Blank, birthday and holiday cards – beautifully done.

KupoKiley.etsy.com
Eugene, OR
Handmade books for the serious writer.

malien00.etsy.com
Portland, OR (?)
Colorful greeting cards, notecards and pins.

EmilyBalivet.etsy.com
Vermont
Gorgeous mythological Goddesses, art nouveau divas, Celtic witches, psychedelic sorceresses, and medieval damsels.

takeiteasy.etsy.com
Los Angeles, CA
Handmade books, cards and whimsical whatnots.

CLOTHING

kimmchi.etsy.com
Brooklyn NY
Silkscreen on American Apparel shirts – including men's!

ellembee.etsy.com
White Lake, MI
Hand printed shirts for women, messenger bags and jackets.

Ahpeele.etsy.com
Raleigh, NC
Men’s and women’s clothing.

MariaElena.etsy.com
Duluth, MN
Fairy wings for grown ups!

nodemo.etsy.com
Toronto, Ontario
For the teen (or geeky-cool grown up) in your life.

shellmitchell.etsy.com
San Francisco, CA
Because fingerless gloves are way too cool.

kittyempire3.etsy.com
Nelson, BC Canada
Wallets, bags and accessories.

CHILDREN

threeredtrees.etsy.com
Kansas City
Adorable sock dogs and cats.

cherry6goddess1.etsy.com
La Mesa, CA
Cute little plushies – including penguins, pigs and hippos!

PerfectChildren.etsy.com
Portland, OR
Impossible plushy animals for your wee one’s imagination.

FOR YOUR KITTY

FluffyFlowers.etsy.com
Macon, GA
Catnip anyone?

FINE ART

natashawescoat.etsy.com
Bay City
Beautiful fine art prints and posters

karenfaulknerart.etsy.com
Pennsylvania
Gorgeous original watercolors at very affordable prices.

JEWELRY

WhimsiGals.etsy.com
Newcastle (?)
Goddess brooches and dolls

JulieSuzanne.etsy.com
Toronto, Ontario
Fun art pendants

woundaroundjewelry.etsy.com
Clinton, TN
I love the beautiful wrapped copper bracelets!

allthosethrees.etsy.com
London, England
Handcrafted ecological jewelry.

blockpartypress.etsy.com
Baltimore, MD
Unique and colorful cuff links, tie-tacks, pendants, and earrings.

waterfall.etsy.com
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Glass rings and beads

silentgoddess.etsy.com
Port Orchard, WA
Rings, pendants, bracelets and earrings for the goddess.

ETC

westernartglass.etsy.com
Minneapolis, MN
Glass art – pay particular attention to recycled beer bottle art – very cool!

Xanadu2You.etsy.com
Tacoma, WA
Amazing copper wire creations – bowls, containers, etc. Wow!

lewasdesigns.etsy.com
Gilbert, AZ
Decals galore! Decorate your walls, your laptop, your car... What else ya got?

tlwoldc.etsy.com
Fair Oaks, CA
Handspun fibers and yarn, knitted wrist warmer patterns, pregnancy aromatherapy, music, and more!

GeekGear.etsy.com
Westfield, NJ
Desk-gear made from recycled computer parts... for the coolest geek in your life.

OhWhatIf.etsy.com
Minneapolis, MN
Hand-woven rugs from recycled cotton

akcupcake.etsy.com
Anchorage, Alaska
Oven mitts, aprons and bicycle seat covers, oh my!

Against Myself

2008-11-06T12:08:00.004-05:00

I'm struggling.

I went to the doctor last year because the circulation in my fingers got wonky. I figured they'd tell me to wear gloves and keep warm. I didn't think it was anything big or important or whatever. Then all these blood tests were ordered and there was all this hoopla from my doctor about collagen vascular diseases. In fact, he eve made a diagnosis of Lupus right there. Of course, he called me later that day to say he isn't really familiar with Lupus and talked to a Rhuematologist who suggested more testing needed to be done before a diagnosis could be made.

More testing was done and I was told I don't have Lupus right this moment, but there is a chance I'll develop it. My achy hips, knees and wrists were chalked up to my overactive imagination. My fatigue and headaches were ignored and not even written down in the doctor's notes. The rash across my knuckles (something I've never ever had or even seen before!) was attributed to too frequent hand washing (although I wash my hands only about 4 times a day).

And although I just came in one day casually asking about my fingers - is this normal? - I left the two month experience of blood tests and scary diagnoses from this doctor feeling like I'd been the one who came in asking if I had Lupus when really I'd just had the sniffles or something.

I decided that this rural doctor wasn't taking me seriously and since he'd admitted he had no experience with these kinds of diseases (autoimmune diseases) I decided to wait until I got to NYC and find a doctor that knew what they were doing.

(FYI - an autoimmune disease happens when a person's immune system gets confused about which cells belong to itself and which cells are outside viruses and bacteria, and starts attacking it's own cells.)

After arriving in NYC I started experiencing a bunch of strange health-related things. I went to a local clinic and the doctor there really seems to listen and take me seriously. That is a huge relief.

I'm gathering up medical records as far back as I can to help my doctors try to figure out what's going on with me. And I'm trying to get health insurance so I can get more tests done. This part is exhausting. The damn person who can answer my questions about filling out the insurance paperwork hasn't returned my four calls over the last two weeks and the clock is ticking. The longer it takes me to turn in the paperwork, the longer it will be before I can get medical care. And with many illnesses, time can often be a huge factor in prevention major damage.

I've been reading up on autoimmune diseases and there are only a couple that really match what I'm experiencing. The rest do not. But it's scary. If I do have (or develop) one of these diseases it is necessary that they find it now.

It's hard for me to ask for help. I'm extremely self-reliant, independent, and (a bit embarassed to say) proud. I don't want anybody to think I'm weak or helpless or needy. And I certainly do not want to be treated that way. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. And I don't want anyone to think I'm just trying to get attention. This is not the kind of attention I seek (when I do seek attention).

Even though I know that having an illness isn't something to be embarassed about I actually feel a lot of embarassment around it. Especially right now when it's unclear exactly what the illness might be. And what if the doctors say there really is nothing wrong - then what does that mean about all these symptoms I'm experiencing? What the hell is causing them?

I'm torn between wanting to find out what is wrong, and just declaring that I'm okay. Such a declaration feels like denial, and sounds like something that will end up making me sicker. Trying to find out what is wrong feels like I'm a big cry baby who is taking things too seriously.

Emotionally, every option feels crappy because I'm scared.

get 'er done

2008-10-07T09:58:00.005-04:00

The ups and downs of a chronic illness make me motion sick.

It's really when I experience too much stress or too much activity that my immune system's knees buckle and without the fort secured I end up getting invaded (ie sick). And when there is an invasion in my body, it's not just a neighboring country - it's a full on universal effort - every country and neighboring planet wants a crack at it. No cute little tummy ache or sniffles for me.

No, my body gets hijacked by viruses, bacteria, and what can look like downright poor upkeep with the seriousness of an accountant, and the determination of an IRS auditor.

We're talking simulataneous multiple illnesses, all impacting different systems.

We're talking "stump the doctors" with how many different unrelated things are happening as they try to find an underlying connection or cause.

You'd think the invaders were planning their stradegies together for decades - Shock and Awe - that's how quick, skilled and successful they can be.

My body is the ultimate multi-tasker. True story. As walls across the vast fortress that is my body crumble and invaders file in and get settled, somehow my body still manages to launch multiple counter attacks all over the place, taking down each illness.

It takes a bit longer to heal from multiple illnesses when you're stressed out and have a chronic condition (especially when the particular illness doesn't seem to have a source/reason/cause and therefore medication determinations becomes a guessing game). Anyway, the job still gets done (until one day, it doesn't).

All Eyes

2008-10-01T09:32:00.005-04:00

There are many things to like about Brooklyn. The food, the people, the proximity to everything one needs to be near, the friends, the stoop sales, the thunder and lightening storms, the culture, the rampant availability of the ice cream truck during all four seasons, and of course the comedic bickering and banter one hears just about everywhere.

But one thing I love about Brooklyn that I never expected was how often I hear "Miss, you have beautiful eyes, God bless you." No kidding. People literally insert this phrase into the middle of conversations with other people as they are passing by.

The reason this compliment is worth mentioning is because I was a bit worried when I moved here about getting too much attention... specifically, attention aimed at my chest - which was a constant theme while living in Boston regardless of what kind of shirt I was wearing.

Having the attention focused on my eyes makes me feel like I'm somehow less objectified (eyes are the window to the soul), like I'm somehow in a more wholesome environment - more wholesome than a puritanical bedrock? Um, yeah.

Anyway, I do have beautiful eyes. Thank you for noticing.

somewhere

2008-08-27T10:04:00.003-04:00

I love that I'm somewhere, instead of everywhere. Although it may seem by the following list that I'm still everywhere and not just somewhere. The key difference is that the everywhere I am currently is more contained so that it can rightly be called a somewhere rather than an everywhere.

August has been flitting by at full speed, and I've been lucky enough to be able to relax a bit in addition to tackling the daily and weekly To Do lists that come with moving to a new city.

Here's a run down of my month.

Dinner in Brooklyn's Chinatown
Trader Joe's in Manhattan is mobbed!
Subway riding
Listing our Yaris for sale
Budgeting
Searching for the perfect coffee shop
Reading
Fudgcicles and Ice Cream Sandwiches
Apartment hunting
Tuesday Trivia Night at Black & White in Manhattan
Investigating the local food co-op
Amazing Indian food at Bombay Grill
Moving the car twice a week for street cleaning
Chess
Nail polish and polishing my nails for the first time in 2 years
Laundry
Stoop sales (rather than yards or garages)
Hanging out with local friends
A trip to the beach
East Village
Little Italy
Thai lunch special
Securing space in a ceramics studio
Learning to use my sewing machine

I think I have a buyer for the car, and it's possible we won't have to find an apartment (the person we're subletting from may not be returning in October as previously thought). I've been extremely fortunate enough to become an assistant in a ceramics studio for 6 hours per week where I'll learn glaze mixing and other such important skills. In exchange, I can use the facilities (space, clay and glazes) for my own personal work.

I think that pretty much catches you up, although there are a few details missing that would make for lively stories. If I ever think of them again, I'll be sure to share.

Sunday Scrabble

2008-08-03T19:05:00.002-04:00

Wiper
Tax
It
Ex
Park
Keg
Groan
in
Ovals
Fat
Ta
Labile
Valet
Visit
Wagons
Judged
Wept
Ped
Booth
Beet
Buck
Yack
Zen
Ye
An
Cay
Herald
Hauls
Rims
Nudes
Sin
Fond
Tango
Moor
Am
No
Go
Nor

Arrival

2008-08-02T09:09:00.000-04:00

So we've arrived. We are officially resident's of New York - even if New York isn't aware of this.

We have a few things to take care of before we can switch over our drivers licenses... such as obtaining mail with our current address on it, and finding the local DMV. All in good time.

And since we're on the topic of driving... we have to sell our car because our insurance nearly tripled. Ouch! We had definitely not budgeted for such a steep increase.

Our temporary apartment for two months is near chinatown in Brooklyn, and our roommate is possibly the least offensive person ever. I could not be happier.

Our room is a soft minty green and actually goes well with our orange bedding from back in Boston when we had a vibrant blue room. Our room also came with a dresser, futon bed, a chair, a couple lamps on little tables, and an air conditioner. It was a relief to not have to worry about moving/buying furniture. We can tackle that when we get our permanent place in October.

For now the focus is on getting reacclimated to the city, finding a favorite neighborhood, and hooking into resources.

deleted scenes

2008-07-30T07:46:00.001-04:00

6/17 - we continue our search for a watering hole... literally - a decent place to water our swimwear.

6/19 - researching hostels we find the Lucky 13 Ranch for boarding horses.

the smallest offenders... juvenile fish... must be transported to a maximum security lake under the strictest care.

6/21 - can I just say that we'd have never gone ghost town hunting if they weren't highlighted on the damn map in the first place!

7/2 - i was so excited to find tree forts lining the Wisconsin highway in these somewhat remote fields - "DB! Look! Tree forts! I want one!" then i was horrified... "Wait! Those aren't tree forts! Those are for hunting!"

7/18 - i'd like to officially thank DB for being my official note taker when it was my turn to drive.

7/31 - i'd also like to officially thank all our magnificent friends for feeding us, housing us, entertaining us, etc during our adventure. you have no freakin' idea how you saved our arses. gracias mis amigos! shout outs to MK, RC, SE, PL, LE, SW, CI, and LP.

books for daniels

2008-07-29T15:19:00.003-04:00

Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association

Applied Social Research: A Tool for the Human Services

Where to Start and What to Ask: An Assessment Handbook

Urban Social Work: An Introduction to Policy and Practice in the Cities

the waiting game

2008-07-19T20:40:00.004-04:00

we stayed at LP's for a few days then headed to DB's parents where we have been since.

so far we have made it out to swim twice. im currently sporting a sunburn on my shoulders and back, so it will be a few days before we can play in the water again. for the life of me i can't figure out why i didn't put on a single drop of the $20 worth of sunscreen ive been toting around the last 50 days.

today i saw a baby moose. ive never seen a live moose (we had a stuffed one in the basement of some science building at WSU), and certainly never a baby moose. if DB's mom hadn't informed me it was a baby, i'd easily have assumed it was a fully grown adult. that should give you an idea of the size of these creatures. it was pretty fluffy and cute.

who knows what we'll do the rest of our time here. we have two weeks left. eventually we are going to have to tackle all our stuff in the basement, get it organized, and decide what to take with us on our first trip August 1st down to our temporary apartment in Brooklyn. we're waiting to rent moving van until we get a permanent apartment in October, otherwise we'll just have to rent a van twice and move our stuff twice.

full circle

2008-07-13T10:17:00.009-04:00

7/11
after many miles of detour getting out of Detroit, we finally hit Ohio. We got a couple interesting photos...

Cleveland, OH... sadly, we have no photos of Cleveland, but we did actually really like it there. will we live there next? stay tuned to find out.

Erie, Pennsylvania... left much to be desired and can be summed up in one word and one punctuation mark - "yuck!" this is sad. we were sure it was going to be cute, or weird, or somewhat interesting, but no.

it's important to note that our return to the state of New York on 7/11 is auspicious, or at least exciting. on 7/11/06 we flew out of Burlington VT with a layover at JFK in NYC en-route to California. welcome home, says NY! or as DB says "our turn has come full circle."

no sense in driving all darn night... we stopped and camped in NY. the next morning as i left the women's showers i was approached by a burly fellow "Are you from California? I noticed you have California license plates. Do you have any mmbmsrmm?" Um, what? Oh... that! No, I don't have any of that.

a few people commented on our car, including a friendly 7yr old riding around on his bike... "I love your car!"

7/12
Niagra Falls, NY... again, another one of those examples of when something looks bigger in the advertisements. the falls were pretty wide, but if you weren't prepared to wait a week to cross the border or pay $10 per person, you couldn't get a view to the bottom. i thought this was a pretty cool view though.

Seneca Falls, NY... we got to visit the Women's History Museum, and the Methodist church where the women's sufferage movement began - Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Fredrick Douglas had met and spoken in this famed meeting house. there was a sculpture trail we meandered along, and as luck would have it there was some live music in the park. we like Seneca Falls and i could easily see us buying a place and settling down in this historic little town. i could also see DB and opening our own brewery or art center in this fine old knitting factory on the river.

Chester, VT... nothin' like having friends along the route. LP made us some wicked-good chicken sandwiches and i definitely nominate and crown him future Food Network Star of America for that one.