Fear and learning

What a month this has been!

I am infinitely grateful for the wonderful guidance that helped me choose to return home to Seattle for the month of March. I am so grateful to myself for listening to that inner guidance and allowing myself to return to this place where I've undergone so much healing.

For me, this month has been about healing, forgiveness and transcending fear. There has been a great deal of fear in my life, some imposed from external sources, and some imposed from within. I have been taking steps toward examining and releasing these fears and feel such an incredible sense of lightness and a renewed sense of motivation.

During this time, fresh guidance and information has come in, expanding my awareness and my sense of self. And, as a noteable congressperson once said "as the facts change, so does my mind."

I truly believe I have accomplished what I was meant to accomplish here in Seattle - even if I didn't know what that was when I made my plans to be here. Information is always revealed to us at the perfect time.

I easily recognize that the Universe intended me to be here for the month of March and to return to the east coast once I completed my tasks. Now, I am called to return to the east coast to seek out new connections and new opportunities for growth and expansion, knowing that there is so much more growth and learning to come!

Love and Approval

I believe that all each of us truly wants and needs from another is love and approval. I believe that each person is their own best expert regarding their own journey and life lessons. I believe that each person will make choices that truly support whatever they believe to be true about themselves. I believe that with unconditional love, approval and support, those choices will come from a place of self-love. And I believe that regardless of where the choices come from - self-love or self-hatred, they will absolutely result in incredible learning and growth. I believe this serves the person perfectly wherever they are in their journey.

Think back to what you most wished you had from your parents, and what caused you the most pain. Most likely it wasn't because they wouldn't give you $5 to buy candy, or said you couldn't hang out with older kids in your neighborhood. In fact, if those things happened, you probably recognize and appreciate the reasons your parents said "no," or like me, wish they'd said "no" when they actually had said "yes."

What causes the most pain might be that they expressed disapproval for the clothes you chose to wear, the friends you chose for yourself, where you wanted to go to school, the degree you wanted to earn, the career you wanted to have, the town or state you dreamed of living in, the people you chose to date. Maybe they even said to you "I don't love you" or "I don't approve of...".

It could be that they never saw what you did right or good, and focused on all of the parts you got wrong or when you were "bad" (however they defined these things). If this was your experience, you probably carry a great deal of pain and a huge sense of guilt, shame, and believe you are "not good enough."

Man, that's a lot of damage that a couple people can do to one little heart! And if you've done any work to reverse and heal that damage, you know how those messages of disapproval continue to direct your life even after the folks who put those messages there are out of the picture. It is painful, challenging, and time consuming to reverse this damage, and often it will remain with you in the back of your mind for decades.

I believe that disapproval is never helpful. Disapproval does not come from love, consequently it does not create or result in love. Disapproval comes from fear and pain, and creates fear and pain.

Love and approval create a resilient, resourceful, confident, loving person who is ready to soak up experiences and knowledge like a sponge and blossom and grow like a beautiful full flower or glowing sun.

I see my brother and sister in a lot of pain. Not because their parents don't love them, and not because they get or don't get the money, toys, etc. that they desire. Rather, they so desperately want the love and approval of their parents. For my brother, I see constant disapproval and constant "you didn't do this," "you did xyz and it was bad/wrong," and "you are mean." No one seems to notice the many things he does right (even if they are "small"), the positive and life affirming choices he makes. This merely keeps him empty and needing, unable to flourish and shine.

I see this happen with a lot of parents and children, various friendships, and many work relationships. We can always see how someone else should live their lives, or the best way they should learn a life lesson. The key is, it's their lives - not ours. They get to choose how to live and what they want to create for themselves - even if it isn't what we would choose for ourselves or them. They even get to choose how they learn their life lessons - even if we would choose a different way for them to learn the same lesson. And it is perfectly okay that they live their way and choose their choices. It is just part of life. It is simply how life works.

Our role, as friends, parents, children, co-workers and bosses is not to disapprove, admonish and add to their sense of emptiness. If we truly want them to flourish and shine, the best thing we can do is tell them no matter their choices, we support them 100% and approve of them exactly as they are. We can support them in their journey of self-discovery and exploration. This leaves the person feeling good, more confident, more resourceful and allows them to make new choices that best support them wherever they are at in life. Plus it gives them an opening to share more themselves with us, and it allows us to bask in their magnificence - a much better feeling than basking in what we perceive as their failure.

It can be difficult to see someone making choices we would not make for them. After all, we want what is best for the people we love. We have to be willing to let them live and grow, learning for themselves, without adding our fears to their own, and trusting they will choose what is perfect for them without our unsolicited advice or fears. What we see as failure or mistakes, are actually great learning and growing opportunities. They are part of the perfection that leads to new choices and greater fulfillment. Our role, as friends, parents, children, and co-workers is to support learning and growth - to know and trust that the people we love are their own best experts and are doing the best they can with what they already know. They will get there on their own time schedule and it will be absolutely perfect.

Forgiveness

Over the years I have grappled with anger and pain from my childhood and teen years, and really felt a loss about how to heal. Although I've always wanted to release the pain, I have never wanted a simple "quick fix" and believe that such a thing is short-lived and doesn't offer true relief. I've always desired true, deep, and whole healing.

Coming home to Seattle, with the intention of living here again has been such a painful, yet healing experience. And I truly believe that it is no coincidence that I was so compelled to be here during such an emotionally volatile astrological period. Mercury is in retrograde, which, for some folks, can result in high emotions and plenty of confusion. Reflecting on the past, and creative and healing activities are encouraged. The lunar eclipse on the 14th also has emotional significance, since the moon is very much tied to intuition and emotion - especially for me being highly intuitive (Cancerian Crabs are very sensitive to the moon).

So, this month in Seattle is truly the most perfect time and place to work on forgiveness.

Reflecting on the past 10 years, I love seeing how much progress I've made around forgiveness. I honestly see that I have released a lot of pain and made great strides in forgiveness. There are places I couldn't even begin to touch 10 years ago that today I am reaching a state of willingness to explore.

Over time, digging deeper into the layers of pain, releasing each layer of experience, I had come to places where the pain was so deep that there seemed to be no room for forgiveness. Louise L. Hay says, "I do not have to know how to forgive. All I have to do is be willing to forgive. The Universe will take care of the how." So, these super-painful areas are the spaces where I really focused on becoming willing to forgive. As I've become more willing to forgive, I find that it becomes easier to forgive those people and experiences that once seemed "impossible" to forgive.

There is still more to forgive, and I am so proud of myself for making my way to this space. The feeling of peaceful joy I am experiencing is so incredibly worth the painful uncovering, cleaning, dressing and healing of these old wounds. I know that I am whole and good, and that I am truly healing.

Unexpected Gifts

Last night I dreamt I gave birth to a baby boy.

It has been nearly a decade since I last dreamt I gave birth. It is always a powerful and profound experience.

In my comfortable, peaceful apartment, one I have never seen before but that was as familiar as my own face, I looked down at my gently protruding belly. It hardly stuck out as much as it would in reality, just a little bump.

A little surprised to find myself pregnant with life, I noticed there had been a shift at some point just before, and I was now carrying the baby in my lower abdomen. Instinctively I knew that birth would come soon.

I touched my belly and easily felt defined little feet poking at me through the thick wall of skin, as if my little one was housed in a thick leather knapsack. I invited someone in the room to feel the miracle of his feet.

Expecting a long wait for the baby, I began to ready myself. I sat back on a thick cushion of pillows and blankets laid out on the floor; my back firmly supported with softness. It was only a few moments before I realized it was time to push. Effortlessly, my body opened and expanded with complete ease and comfort. My hands finding the baby as he emerged, warm, pink and peach.

I held him up to behold his soft warm skin, his open eyes and fresh life. I remembered to clear his passageways, leaning him forward so gravity could aid. Passageways cleared, he was content and peaceful in his new life - fresh, open, alive.

Transitioning Home

Moving back to Seattle was a tough decision. For the last few years I have been guided to move home, yet there have been other people and possibilities to consider. Mid-February, trusting my inner guidance, I decided to make arrangements to come home and live with my mom while Daniel finishes up school.

I arrived in Seattle two days ago. In these two days I have felt a mix of peace, joy, grief and sadness.

I truly miss the comfort of my apartment in Boston. I had made it into my own little (big, actually) retreat space. I created a sense of home and comfort and peace in that space, and it is challenging to be staying with someone else, in their space that is not my own.

I am strongly impacted by the energy of my brother and mom, who, like many people living in tight quarters, experience a lot of tension. It is difficult for me to see my brother being so mean to my mom and being so ungrateful for all she gives him. Its also very difficult to witness my mom's anger and powerlessness. I know they could both use some tools and skills to help them in their relationship, but I also feel its not my place to butt in (not yet, anyway).

The high stress and tension seeps into me, leaving me emotionally drained within only an hour or two. When my brother leaves the house, the intensity dissipates almost instantly. So, he is this little ball of anger and self-hatred who drains other people's energy. Besides being hard to manage, it is rather interesting.

I've been focusing on cutting cords, shielding myself from negative energy, remembering he is in pain, being genuine and authentic, and not reacting or getting sucked into the drama. Honestly, it is damn hard. Especially since I'm already pretty emotionally vulnerable right now, having just moved across the country and my Love being 3000 miles away for 3 months.