home coming

so, im moving home.
i feel all sorts of things all at once and its a bit challenging trying to decide which feeling to go with. im also trying to let go of all of them and just relax - it would come easier if i hadn't been slacking on my meditation.

fear is the number one emotion ruling the game right now. fear of staying and going further into debt, and fear of leaving and being stranded in Seattle, slowly going into debt.

im working on remembering that im not stuck.
i can go anywhere at any time and am not tied down.
i can always leave, return, go some place new.
there are no limits except those i put before me.

Ten Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.


2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day of this school, you willhave the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.


3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as are the experiments that ultimately work.


4. A lesson is repeated until it's learned. A lesson will present itself to you in various forms until you have learned. When you have mastered the lesson, then you can go on to the next lesson.


5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.


6. "There" is no better place then "Here." When your "There" has become "Here," you will simply obtain another "There" that will again look better than "Here."


7. Others are simply a mirror of yourself. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.


8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and the resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.


9. Your answers lie inside of you. The answers to all of life's questions lie inside of you. All you need do is look, listen, and trust.


10. You will forget all of this.

~Cherie Carter-Scott

reading with the faeries

Monday night I received an unexpected and wholey inspired gift of love from my dear friend JN, Healing with the Fairies Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue.

Today, while painting my toenails, I was inspired to pull a few cards from the deck, asking the faeries first, "What's my next step in emotional healing." Then "What else do I need to know right now?" Whilte shuffling for the second question, three cards fell out of the deck. I've read Tarot cards long enough to know that cards only fall out if they hold meaning for you and your question, this was no exception. Here's how the cards played out...

What is my next step in emotional healing?
Card: Creative Expression
Your heart needs an outlet to express powerful emotions. By drawing this card, you're urged to engate in an artistic or creative endeavor.

Wow, isn't that the truth! I've really been thinking about what it means to paint and write - especially with my art show coming up next week. Recently while tuning into my body, I've started wondering if I truly enjoy painting or if painting is a way for me to avoid writing. Painting provides me an escape from thinking and feeling. When I paint, I am absorbed in color and creation - I'm not thinking about my emotional wounds from childhood or teen years. I'm not thinking about how to heal. I'm lost in another world. Writing, however, requires me to truly be in touch with my emotions. Writing was an incredibly necessary outlet for my emotions and healing as a child, teenager, and young adult. And for a time, I was blocked by the belief "I only write when I'm unhappy."

When I began my coach training, I really let go of that block, releasing the belief that writing was my outlet for sadness, and creating a new association of writing being an outlet for all of my emotions. And although there is no longer a drought in my journals, I still do not write as much as I would like to - I still do not follow the impulse to write. I do believe painting is a valuable creative outlet for me - and perhaps any of the dissatisfaction I feel surrounding it comes from my own beliefs, self-imposed limitations and restrictions. What is important for me here, is to know I need to engage in creation whenever I am moved to, regardless of the outlet. And making steps to release limiting beliefs and restrictions in any kind of creation I am engaged in.

What else do I need to know right now?
Card 1: Beauty
Appreciate and amplify your natural beauty. Your beauty is most apparent when you're happy and satisfied.

How funny that this card came up in the midst of painting my toenails - something that makes me feel good about myself. I love seeing pink shimmering toenails when I look down at my feel. What else do I enjoy? I enjoy massages, having a fresh haircut, and occassionally wearing a bit of sparkling make-up. When I engage in self-care, I feel good - I feel attractive. Likewise, when I am satisfied with other parts of my life I also radiate a wonderful beauty and feel good. In turn, when I feel good, I radiate positive energy and attract positive energy, bringing me more of what makes me feel good! Its a wonderful cycle.

Card 2: Moving Forward Fearlessly
You are making big breakthroughs in your life by putting your Divinely inspired ideas into action. Trust that you are guided each step of the way.

This card really resonates with me as I am constantly releasing that which does not serve me, and am guided to writing, painting, coaching and Tarot to make a living. It is challenging to do what I enjoy and put forward my ideas and creations, trusting that I am doing the "right" thing. A lot of doubt comes up when going against the grain, doing things society doesn't necessarily deem useful or productive. I find that each step I take in the direction of my desires and truth, more doors of opportunity open. My focus now is to move forward, step by step, knowing that as long as I am being true to myself, when I arrive there will be always be an open door to greet me. In addition, part of moving forward is removing my self-created obstacles and ridding my self and life of things that do not fit with my life purpose.

Card 3: Financial Flow
You have manifested a new sense of abundance in your life. Any financial blocks have successfully been removed, and you are now in the flow of increased prosperity. Congratulations!

When I think about it, there is ample evidence to support the belief that I am an incredible manifestor of abundance. Although there have been financially challenging times, I have always found a way to meet my bills, create an income, manifest money, and have enough to share with others. The financial challenges are my own creation from beliefs of scarcity, lack, fear, and not trusting the Universe to support me. The wealth that always comes through is a result of simply being a magnet for abundance, and my willingness to accept money into my life under certain circumstances. My newest adventure is allowing abundance to flow into and through me under all circumstances.

turkey legs

its not every day that i wake up in a turkish workcamp.

to be completely honest, i have no idea how i got there. i remember a few things before waking up there, but there is no cohesion, no thread that ties it all together.

i was in the lobby of the apartment building. two kids came up the escalator and took a seat on the benches to the right. i couldn't help staring - did i know them? "wait, you're joe bay! joe bay?" and one of the kids laughed, "no, but we know him." weird, so far away and the kid look like joe and knows him.

passing the tall green plants on the way out of the building, i turned right and headed toward the store. the store was more like a warehouse filled with beer. what on earth was i doing in a beer warehouse? maybe it was just a cooler, it sure was cold. i was with someone, i don't know who. anyway, we left the warehouse.

my next memory is waking up in a tent. there are a couple different people but i can't see their faces. its humid and cold inside and we've got flanel-lined sleeping bags. im uneasy with the company. it was freezing out with a foot or more of hard white covering the ground. the tent flaps shut after i exit. lifting my right leg over the bike there's the loud roar of the engine and we take off toward the city. we were somewhere in Europe, but no where near Turkey. so, how we ended up in the camp is beyond me.

in the camp we slept on old tattered mattresses on the floor. there were worn paper thin blankets offering little relief in the frigid cold. the warmth of a beautiful black cat kept me alive and made it possible to sleep. people were dying from the cold, from disease and from hunger - all interlinked. somehow it occurred to us that this may be our way out - dying. i can't fathom how we pulled it off, it seems so unlikely, without our bodies there as evidence and proof of our demise. but somehow, the word of our deaths got around camp, and that was evidence enough that we had died.

sneaking out, trying not to be seen by anybody, including friends, was impossibly easy. we needlessly slunk behind crates, blocks of concrete, and kept our faces turned away from empty eyes and vigilant guards. no one wondered. it was like we were ghost, going unseen yet fearful of being caught. we crept into the giant truck filled with rubble and headed out of camp.

the next thing i remember im driving a car, on the phone with someone, visualizing a map while explaining that i dont live at 1091 Boylston any longer, i live between Forest Hill and Green Street stations. i recognize the landscape, fields fenced with wire and then dense trees. i turn the car onto a gravel road and stop at the fence. walking around the fence, i see only two houses, the first is angie and randy's. we go inside, finding grandma, angie, randy and most of the kids there. i walk to the sliding door, looking out back at the fields and the sun as it decends toward the horizon. i love the glow of golden yellow, and the feel of the warm sun on my face.

coming back in the house, i by pass the couch, opting to sit on the brown carpet as if i were still in the camp. i take off my shoes to find my feel covered in a thin, flakey white paper. pulling at the paper, like removing the label from a bottle, the paper sticks to the bottom of my left foot. i pick and pull, needing to be free of the paper. it tugs at my skin and i pull more firmly, although slower. the bottom of my left foot falls off, revealing the hollow blackness of my foot and leg. an empty vessel of darkness.