You Can Heal Your Money

Have I mentioned that Louise L Hay is quite possibly my all time favorite hero of all time???

I'm going to be honest here. I'm a bit down in the dumps. And I know that it is partly this whole getting used to being medication-free, and partly my own belief system resurfacing and kicking my ass. Belief systems can do that when they still have old negative stuff hanging around.

So, back to healing my life...

I have long since recognized that my life is the experience of my beliefs - that every thought I think and every belief I hold creates my current experience and creates my future. And in a conversation with my beloved, I found myself digging up a reason for my current financial discomfort...

I do not want to live in Boston any longer and have wanted to move for well over a year. I believe that the cost of living is ridiculously high here, and that its a waste of my energy and money to spend so much on rent. I do not want to spend my money living someplace I do not even want to be. How do I manifest this? Well, in order to avoid spending money on something I don't want to spend it on, I simply stop the flow of money. Can't spend money you don't have on something you don't want, can you? Brilliant. Simply Brilliant.

And just so you don't worry, I am making enough money to pay rent and my other routine bills. So, I do happen to begrudgingly make enough to be here. Bah.

What I want to get to here, is that I hadn't realized why the money flow had slowed... I hadn't connected my not wanting to spend money to be someplace I don't want to be with my current flow of money. Really, it makes PERFECT sense. Again - can't spend money you don't have on something you don't want.

That realization was super helpful in me opening this flow back up through a thought process which I will illustrate below.

1. I am choosing to be here. Even if I don't want to be.
2. I am going to continue to choose to be here through June 2006. Even if I'd rather be on a Caribbean island.
3. I know that whether or not I want to be here or to spend my money on being here, if I am here I have expenses.
4. I can choose either to meet my expenses now or later. Now, meaning, now. Later, meaning, go into debt.
5. Because debt is very unappealing to me, I am choosing to pay my expenses now.
6. In choosing to pay my expenses now, I can choose to have an income that meets or exceeds my expenses.
7. I choose to have an income that exceeds my expenses.

This is where Louise L. Hay comes in. I am very aware that I have some healing work to do around money. Louise has helped me heal in 1,000,000 ways. Together we will tackle some of my beliefs around money.

While revisiting the You Can Heal Your Life workbook this evening, I've already seen how much of a difference it made the first time through. After completing some of the exercises, I looked back on my answers from three years ago. Wowzers. Things have sure changed!

One exercise has the reader list out all the negative and positive associations they have for a series of words, such as Men, Women, Money, Success, etc. Doing this exercise today, my lists are much more simple and I have very few negative associations to list. I simply couldn't think of many. Since its our topic right now, lets look at my associations with money:

8/7/02
Negative	Positive
Power Education Control Spoiled Easy Life "No work, all play" Influence Lack of money = strife Lack of money = poverty Inequality Unfairness Abuse of money Greed Doesn't buy love Inherited	Power Education Vacations Travel Wealth Share Donate Have anything Time leisure Influence Houses Cars Luxury

12/25/05
Negative	Positive
	Abundant Available For me Compensation

My other lists are comparative - long negatives and positives in 2002 and short with mostly or only positives in 2005. I don't know about you, but I think its pretty remarkable that I've released so much baggage over the last 3+ years surrounding money (and the other topics). I feel like my life is much more simple, down to earth, and filled with far less stress and worry. Hot damn! What a great reminder of how much I've grown in the last few years.

Anyway, through this workbook I've also uncovered some of my deep down money beliefs which I'd like to release by recording here:

With my dad, money was both given to show love and to apologize for absences. Often at holidays, or when my dad didn't show up and needed to apologize, he would give me really amazing gifts - jewelry, video game consoles, etc. However, since my dad was required by state to pay child support, money was also often the cause for abandonment. On several occasions, my dad ceased talking to me because the court denied his petition to end payments.

My mom and I had very little money when I was a child. She usually worked, and when she didn't, we received food stamps and other state assistance. It was easy for me to see how we needed the child support from my dad, and the amount the state required him to give was considerably little. And of course, what I most wanted from my dad was his love and presence.

I recognize that the way money has played into my relationship with my dad has really damaged my relationship with money. I learned to be suspicious of people's generosity and gifts, and to feel undeserving. I learned to believe that when money is involved, there are strings attached to love. Love can be withdrawn at any time due to any exchange or concerns of money. If at any time someone I love is paying for me or sharing their wealth with me, they may resent it or me, and leave. It was painful to grow up feeling that my dad's love was contingent on me not needing anything. As long as I didn't need anything from him, he might remain available to me and might love me. My needing of financial support was cause for repeated abandonment. Since I really just wanted my dad to love me and be there for me, I learned to reject my own needs, reject money out of fear of abandonment.

These beliefs have followed me into my personal relationships and into my work life. Much of my young adult life I rejected financial help from loved ones even though I have desperately needed. I believed and insisted on doing it all on my own, that my relationships were contingent on me not needing anything from loved ones. I've also been in relationships with people who had an income substantially greater than mine and out of fear of their resentment and abandonment have insisted that I pay everything exactly 50/50. Yet I was always willing to help anyone I cared for if they needed financial help - because my love and money was unconditional. I would not believe the same for anyone else.

In my work life, I believed that it was a hardship for someone to pay me for my work, and that if I asked for more money they would resent it and abandon me - as an employer or client. I resigned myself to feeling grateful for whatever amount they were willing to give, and not to ask for more - even though I needed it to survive. I felt that my job was contingent on me not needing anything from my employer.

Another damaging belief about money came from my mom's boyfriend of 11 years. Although my mom always worked, my understanding was that her boyfriend provided for our housing, food and clothing. He had substantial economic power over my mom and me. And I was always made aware of how he provided for us, and how lucky I should feel. Unfortunately, what I also experienced was a great deal of mental, emotional and verbal abuse by this man - both toward my mother and me. I saw my mom afraid to leave this relationship because she wanted our needs taken care of. Often I was threatened with me and my mom losing housing - and as a teenager, I was routinely kicked out for standing up for myself or my mom, and not being subservient and grateful. Because our economic condition depended on this man, my relationship with my mother suffered greatly. Money, in this instance, came to mean power over my mom and me, emotional distance from my mom, guilt and the feeling of being undeserving. Of course, these beliefs about money impacted how I dealt with money in relationships and work life as well.

I learned to believe that money gave people power over other people - including the power to create guilt. And I learned that I was undeserving of other people's money. This created the belief that I must always pay my own way in order to preserve my autonomy and independence. I learned to believe that money created distance between people, and greatly craving closeness and love, I learned to hate money for its ability to harm relationships.

These beliefs still permeate my life, and I am only beginning to truly uncover them and replace them with new and nourishing beliefs about money. This is one reason why my positives/negatives about money is so crucial. I have already been releasing old negative associations about money, and creating new positive associations! And I will continue to do so with each new day that passes, creating a rich and rewarding life for myself in which I know that I am absolutely deserving of money and love, and that I am truly safe.

The Most Special Of Days

for some reason, today feels like its my birthday...

The moon is a waning gibbous and my moon has begun.

I got up fairly early (just before 8am), took a quick shower and as I prepared for my day, found little Hershey's Kisses strategically placed along my path. I found one on my laptop, three on the kitchen table, and one in the refrigerator atop the container of oatmeal. What excitement! My little kissing faerie must have planted them for me to find.

After breakfast, I headed off to a cleaning job a couple miles down the street. While walking to the bus, I saw it pass, and thought to myself "huh, maybe I'm supposed to walk today." So, I walked along Centre Street. I worked hard. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned like a little squirrel plants acorns. Then at 10 past noon, I headed home, eager to shower and do some relaxing before my late afternoon appointments. Again, I chose to walk. This time taking the path around the pond.

The wind made these incredible whipping sounds through the tree branches, almost like slightly taught rope on a flag pole. At first I couldn't tell if it was coming from cars on the other side of the pond, birds in the trees, or wind at the boat house.

As I walked I noticed ice all along the edge of the pond. The most mesmerizing place is this 3 foot diameter circle, outside of which is completely still, and inside of which ripples like a stone has just been thrown in. It goes on like this, always. There are other places where the ice has melted or never froze and which continue to move. The water moves fast in some places, tiny rippling waves. Other places are nearly still.

Arriving home, I found the bed made, and Our Book resting in the center with a Kiss on top. I decided to get cleaned up before indulging. After a blissfully warm shower, I put on my favorite lotion, slipped into my pajamas, and sat down to read Our Book. There was a sweet and simple message for me which warmed my heart.