san diego check-in

short on time... computer terminates in t minus 4 mins.

first day was rough. little sleep. slept partly at airport over night so i didnt need a taxi. slept a bit on both legs of my flight to san diego.

arrived tired. checked into hostel. its... erm... uh... well, at least its ON the beach.

BEAUTIFUL sunrises and sunsets!

surfers are up first thing, as are the birds and sea lions. i have been so incredibly inspired by the workshops and by the warmth and beauty surrounding me! i cant wait to write more about it.

for now, im writing in my paper journal and on scraps of notebook paper from workshops.

physically, i feel excellent! emotionally, pretty good too. although coffee comercials can bring me to tears, so sweet.

ive made it half way through the trip!

i miss db!

THIS is what BETTER feels like

so, if you are ever on paxil for 6 or 7 years and decide (albeit over 3 or 4 years) that its time to go off, and take 2 months to taper yourself down to nothing... id suggest planning to take a month or so off life BEFORE you get to zero mgs.

somehow i figured, "hey, ive been going off paxil for a couple months now and really the side effects of having paxil in my system at all (headaches, irritability, anger, etc) is really much more obnoxious than i can handle, and since im pretty damn close to being done, lets just finish 'er up and stop already."

and really, thats fine. the problem isnt that i finally stopped taking it. i mean, at 2.5mgs of the stuff, it really wasnt doing much but pissing me off anyway. 2.5mgs is nearly nothing. its like trying to taper yourself off milk when you drink a glass of the stuff a day, and finally you are down to a sip a day and say "jesus, im down to a sip a day, it takes more effort to pour a sip, drink it and wash out the glass than to just stop. why not just stop already?" it makes perfect sense.

the real problem lies in what else is going on in life. such as... life.

so, my next thoughts are "hey, the withdrawl symptoms havent been so bad during the tapering and they usually just last a few days or so before its all stable again. so, its not like i cant handle it and life at the same time. ive been doing great!" and i stopped. i finished. no more paxil. and god damn it if i wasnt tricked by wee leprechauns into decending into complete madness.

what im trying to say here is that im a mess. im a freaking mess. if anyone out there has ever had anything resembling pms - the part where you dont feel all that well and you cry at cheezy comercials... well, you're freaking lucky if thats been the jist of it. b/c im a living nightmare.

let me give some lovely details.

first of all, ive got a case of fatigue that would make Chronic Fatigue sufferers feel and look like the most productive, energetic freaks in history. breathing is nearly too laborous, and its something our bodies actually do without much effort on our part. for me, it takes so much effort just to breathe that ive considered calling it quits. also, getting out of bed in the morning is a mountainous task. eating, fahghettaboutit. showers, only because im a germaphobe and desperately fear smelling bad.

the nausea is hell. i cant eat, drink water, leave the house or ride in moving vehicles without feeling like hurling. and of course, if i start feeling nauseous, the hot flashes are only just miliseconds away. see, they are pals, nausea and hot flashes. they hang together on the block. so, every time i feel my stomach turn i also get a surge of heat through my body and start sweating like a runner in the boston marathon on a balmy 80 degree day. it only makes it worse that its 50 degrees here right now and im wearing 15 layers, b/c then i have to expend the extra energy to peel layers off. extra energy? no, i dont have extra energy - i dont even have the minimum energy required to exist, thus its quite fckg painful to have to use every ounce of energy left once i make it on the damn bus to get my jacket off, and my sweatshirt, just so i can continue sweating and trying not to vomit for the next 30 minutes of the ride.

speaking of sweating... i sweat horrendously in the night and wake up freezing and roasting all at once. its rather disconcerning. am i hot or am i cold? i dont know!

and as if im not waking up enough on my own to manually regulate my temperature throughout the night, the calling out in my sleep and tossing / turning from my nightmares have had poor db waking me several times a night too. not only am i having hellish nightmares, but while awake, im paranoid, scared shitless of nothing in particular, and bawling my eyes out at even the blandest of life's events. in fact, ive got a beautiful example.

i managed (due to the overwhelming sense of guilt over wasting time and money) to make it to ceramics last thursday and was going to do some glazing. i put several pieces onto some newspaper, needing to minimize clean up, and my instructor proceeded to tell me that we dont line the table with newspaper any more b/c the glaze will dry on the newspaper and when we throw the paper out the glaze breaks up, becomes airborne dust and we breathe in all the horrible minerals and such. seem reasonable enough? i just looked at him while tears welled up in my little eyes and said "but, i dont want to wipe the table down." and although he cant have known why i would be so upset about using a sponge to wipe down a table after getting it dirty (nor could i, really), i would like to say it WAS an asshole thing to reply to me by saying "well, ceramics might not be your thing then."

as you would have to imagine necessary, db has been incredibly supportive and understanding through all of this. really, a person would have to BE a miracle to put up with this kind of insanity for this long. i mean, i start choking up while reading publisher's descriptions of books on amazon.com for christ's sake. so, db... db is my beautiful miracle.

oh right... what does any of this have to do with life and planning ahead? well, a while back, i volunteered to go to san diego to help support part one of a life coach training (the training that i participated in 2 years ago, exactly, to become a life coach myself)... and, well, um... im flying out at 5am tomorrow morning for 8 days/nights. what in the hell was i thinking when i decided it would be okay to do my finally tapering to zero just under two weeks from such a commitment??????????????

perhaps you are thinking, "so? you seem fine now." id like to invite you to re-read what ive written above and remember that i am experiencing all of this right now, as i write. in fact, it was only moments ago that i stopped crying about not having enough hangers to hang my jacket up. how in the fck will i be able to support and inspire 18 other human beings for 8 days if i cant even breathe without crying about how damn exhausting it is to wipe after peeing? the amazing thing, is that today, i actually feel better. THIS is feeling better. THIS is what BETTER feels like.

buh-bye paxil, hello withdrawl

my new middle name is nausea. and thats not an easy middle name to have - its hard to spell!

when i was in elementary and middle school, in order to spell my middle name correctly without getting stuck and confused, i had to spell it super quickly. thats probably not going to work with this new middle name since i have to look it up every time i spell it, but perhaps eventually.

meanwhile, it seems like waking up, getting up, eating, going places, doing things, and even just sitting here all make me nauseous (had to look that up too).

i know what YOU'RE thinking. and no, its a super-duper-ultra-slim chance that any nausea in my life would have anything to do with babies. and if it did, it would be a true miracle from God. seriously.

so, im thinking its got to be that ive finally gone off paxil. i had reduced to 5mg some time back, and just a couple weeks ago reduced to 2.5mg, and a few days ago stopped completely.

overall, i think its improved my disposition somewhat. i mean, sure i cry at the drop of a hat (btw, i cant tell you how much ive been crying about sassers recent loss). and sometimes i go a bit mad with laughter and do things like lick faces (usually only db's face). but really, i am feeling things. emotions. and nausea.

according to quitpaxil.org nausea is a withdrawl symptom of paxil. and im noticing several dozen other symptoms on the list which i have been experiencing at varying levels since i started the tapering in August. thank god, i didnt go cold turkey off the damn stuff or id be in serious agony.

other symptoms im currently experiencing include:
- insomnia
- extraordinarily vivid dreams
-memory and concentration problems
- severe mood swings, esp. heightened irritability / anger.
- an unconventional dizziness
- headaches
- profuse sweating, esp. at night
- breaking out in tears.
- hypersensitivity to motion, sounds, smells.
- decreased appetite
- nausea

things im not currently experiencing but are included as withdrawl symptoms:
- intense insomnia
- extreme confusion during waking hours
- intense fear of losing your sanity
-steady feeling of existing outside of reality as you know it (referred to as depersonalization at times)
- Panic Attacks (even if you never had one before)
- suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases)
- an unconventional dizziness/ vertigo
- the feeling of shocks, similar to mild electric one, running the length of your body
- an unsteady gait
- slurred speech
- muscle cramps
- blurred vision
- abdominal cramping, diarrhea
- chills/ hot flashes

i really should write about my dreams more. you'd get a serious kick out of them b/c they are so completely bizarre and epic. a great example of this was the other morning db said he had a crazy dream and i asked what about. he said he "was a soccer player." seemed normal enough to me considering my dream that night - office buildings that walked, moved via conveyer belts, and disassembled and reassembled themselves, all moving back and forth across boston's bay covered by rebar.

jingle kitty

there seems to be bells tinkling everywhere i go... at least, here on dunster road.

it seems ive made some kitty friends in the neighborhood, and every time i leave the house or am returning the kitties come running from miles away just to greet me.

mostly its fun and i love it.

but sometimes, when db and i are trying to make our way to the grocery or just up to centre street it can be a very serious problem. the kitties, oblivious to where we are headed, do not seem to mind the jaunts here and there. in fact, the littler grey kitty rather enjoys going for walks to the corner store.

since db and i agree that the city streets are no place for a kitty, we've created this little game in order to distract the kitties and keep them from following us.

first, db blocks the kitties so they can't follow or see me. then, i run as far and as fast as i can. when im out of site db takes off and the kitties, having forgotten all about me, start sniffing leaves and looking for cars to sit on.

this usually works, although we often hide in the bushes to make sure they aren't trying to play catch-up.

abdb quotes

db: "i was gonna make a world famous statement but its just not working out." 9pm 10/15/05

db: "would you like me more if i were a professional athlete?" 9:30pm 10/15/05

alb: "sometimes you wear pants." 10pm 10/15/05

morsels

wild nights in the city that sleeps soundly.

i am one exhausted girl. worked my ars off this weekend cleaning a two bedroom apartment for $20/hr. good money but damn hard work. my knuckles are raw and seriously hurting. my leg, arm and back muscles are still sore from 4 straight hours of scrubbing.

db and i spent a few hours painting last night. we both did some awesome paintings, and some not so awesome. but thats pretty much what i expect... a couple good and a couple crappy. keep the good, paint over the crappy.

we also went into the city today to buy some dice. we got these gorgeous purple dice of all different shapes and numbers. i love it! they are purple. i love purple.

weird freaking dreams lately. too weird to actually discuss with anyone besides db, who has also been having crazy dreams.

also, im going to san diego from october 25th-november 2nd and need a place or places to crash. if you know anyone i can stay with, let me know. i need to be near the marina at mission bay... quivira road/way/street/blvd. willing to pay for a couch to sleep on.