im afraid of my anger

due to a combination of expenses and just general desire to be medication-free, ive decided to stop taking paxil. my usual dosage is 20mg per day. on August 16th i decreased my dosage to 15mg per day. ive been at 15mg for a week now and i think im noticing some changes - although its hard to tell what is due to the medication change and what is due to general stress, etc.

the first thing i noticed was feeling more emotional. mostly sad feelings. generally feeling lonely. it also seemed like my sleeping pattern was changing. one night i needed 8 hours of sleep and then napped half the afternoon or evening. the next night i only slept 5 hours and had plenty of energy. the next night, 8hrs with lots of napping. my energy level was up and down.

a few days into the decrease my sleep leveled off at 5 or 6 hours, with tons of extra daytime energy. a heightened sense of anxiety appeared along with irritability. not so much with people as with things, events, situations. like irritated that the cat was meowing. irritated by people in stores, especially if they are whistling a tune. irritated by little things that wouldn't ordinarily irritate me - or at least not nearly as much.

today im particularly aware of anger. im usually very in/outwardly calm and level and rational. right now i feel outwardly calm (you couldn't look at me and know i was angry or whatever), but internally im ablaze. its the kind of anger that releases tears. tears of anger, tears of frustration, tears because i dont want to be angry, tears because i want to escape. in fact, on my way home from the bus stop i caught myself repeating "i want out, i want out, i want out" in my head. i stopped myself and asked "want out of what?" and i didnt know the answer. i ran through a list of possible things i could want out of... everything and nothing all at once. i want out of myself.

im having a difficult time figuring out if these feelings are genuine. sure they are happening, so in that sense they are genuine. but are they really mine? if i were still taking 20mgs of paxil per day would i still be feeling this anger in this way? no - i know i wouldn't. am i merely experiencing a symptom of a reduction in medication? does it really matter where the emotion comes from, if its genuinely mine or not?

im frightened. i have always had a very clear memory of why i started taking paxil in the first place. i was depressed and volitile and wanted out. i wanted to escape from something, from everything. i felt so much stress and anxiety, and sometimes i just felt absolutely nothing. i remember telling my doctor that while driving to work i would imagine what it would be like to drive off the road - off a cliff or bridge. and in my head i would see myself doing it and feel an adrenaline surge as if id done it. these "daydreams" scared me. i wanted to die even though i loved living.

i understand that taking medication doesnt necessarily make the problem go away. it might make the symptoms go away, but the underlying problem could still be there, hidden and invisible. but what is the actual problem? if i truly have a chemical imbalance, than these feelings arent due to underlying issues. on the otherhand, underlying issues could be the cause of such intense feelings.

i will be the first to admit that ive got plenty of invisible anger. in fact, id call it rage. i have intense dreams filled with rage and hatred where i am screaming and fighting certain people who have been part of a hellish childhood. and i know all of those emotions are surfacing in dreams because they want out. they want to be expressed.

but there is a danger in letting anger out. what if i cant control it? there are innocent people who could easily become the object of my rage. a raging storm doesnt care whose house it destroys. but i do. and i dont want to misdirect emotions - i dont want my life to be run by my emotions.

in my entire life i have never felt more at peace and more loving than i have during the last 6 years, in which ive taken paxil. i have also never felt more emotionally unaffected (at least when it comes to anger and irritation). but is this really so wrong or bad? i have been able to recognize when i dont like something and have had the wonderful ability to state "that really bothers me." or "that hurts my feelings." basically, ive had the ability to think before reacting. and, at least today, im all reaction. i hope this is just pms. god i hope this is just pms.

terrifyingly blissful love

this is the part where i feel intensely and am amazed at this intensity and these feelings.

i can honestly say that everything i feel with you is brand new. i mean, it started when we first began talking. and the amazingness has merely grown and progressed. but its brand new in the sense that i thought i felt amazing before meeting you, and i know ive felt various loves for people. but what i feel for you and with you and between us is far more than what ive ever felt before. its unique to us.

it feels good.

it also terrifies me.

powerful feelings are scary - even when they are good feelings. im pretty sure i can see us together... for... do i say it? do i say the "f" word??? the "f" word is scary, especially when its not just used with wild abandon. its one of those words that can really mean something huge. something terrifyingly wonderful.

in fact, when we met and when we started dating we talked a lot about our disdain for the "f" word. how we loathed it and had no interest in it. how it was a special kind of evil that meant a special kind of eternal damnation. our first trip to vermont i admited that the "f" word was losing some of its negative power for me.

today, i might be persuaded to admit that the "f" word is, in fact, neutral... maybe even positive. its quite possible that in this context, i might be persuaded to admit that this "f" word is very much on my mind... and this might also be why this blissful love i feel is a bit terrifying.

i love you. and i want to be with you, for... for... for an extremely long time. i see no end to our love or to our time together. i only see us reveling in each others love and soaking up the magnificence we create together.