spring cold

i dont like the stuffy, achy sinuses and ears. im not a fan of the scratchy, sore throat. and im not at all about to get out of bed... until 4:30pm, when I'm heading to a consultation about what hair style is the best for me. its an investment in myself.

talked to my mom last night. my 12yr old brother apparently just got sponsored by some weiner store to skate competitively. he competed this weekend and did so great he's is going on an all expense paid trip for another competition sometime soon. hot damn - i knew he could kick ars. i hope some of those sk8rs can convince him to stay in school and off of drugs.

meanwhile, i think i need to admit to myself that i cant afford my apartment. im just sinking deeper and deeper, and eventually i wont be able to dig myself out.

meditate a kiddie masterpiece

massage yesterday. wonderful. feel good. all them toxins pushed right out of my muscles. have a cold now. sore throat and stuffy nose.

meditated for a few minutes. better than not at all. will meditate three times per week. even if only a few minutes each time. its good for me.

signed up for abstract painting class. starts in may. will paint a masterpiece, or 7.

still havent paid april rent. have $100 in the bank. not quite enough. making light switch covers to sell. let me know if you'd like one.

from now on, its kiddie size at jp licks. no more mediums. cant handle so much sugar. makes me lethargic and angry. rawr!

tired now. will read and possibly nap.

emotional vertigo

things have been weird. now their bordering on surreal. its possible im losing all sense of reality, or maybe im in a relationship.

all this shit is coming up for me around some old stuff. some relationship related, some abuse related, some just plain old shitty-life related. all of a sudden i feel so unsafe.

im feeling confused, angry, hurt, confused, violated, helpless, confused, unsafe and did i mention confused?

i feel like im reliving my early 20s... not one of my favorite times, although far better than my teens. but id prefer not to relive any of my life. im not big on pain and suffering.

ive been through so much and ive worked so hard to resolve a great deal of my issues. ive worked so hard to create a happy and healthy life - to be safe. and im feeling sirens and alarms going off and screetching "something isnt right! something is very not right!!!"

i feel so incredibly vulnerable right now. its not something i allow myself to be very often. and now, im feeling under attack from all sides. im feeling a bit in over my head. but i cant really identify anything. its an emotional vertigo.

i want to go away. mexico, come save me. come save me, mexico.

when i was really really little i remember being terrified of men. i remember feeling so unsafe and fearful. i remember whenever i was left alone with an adult male (except buddy or my dad) i would panic and plan an escape route in case they tried to touch me. i would imagine opening the car door or jumping out a window.

today i was actually with a bunch of guys, one of which thought it was really fckg funny to make a joke about raping children. i cant even tell you what this did to me. lets just say ive been shakey and crying off and on since. not to mention having something akin to flashbacks.

its not just that. there are other things that have come up in the last few weeks. its like im having "bad relationship" flashbacks (although in all honesty im in an amazingly great relationship right now). i cant help but wonder if its b/c i recently made myself incredibly vulnerable a few weeks ago and it seems like ever since things have just not been quite right. its surreal. its confusing.

i want to run. i want to run far away. i want to be completely alone and start over someplace else where no one knows me and i can just be okay again.

robots in mexico

dreampt i was a robot on a spaceship. me and my robot friends wanted to leave the ship, to go to mexico and live out the rest of our robot lives. alas, only the new models were allowed such things, and we were old models. thus making us expendable, disposable. so if we were to say anything at all, ask to leave, they might realize we were old models and destroy us. better safe than sorry. we began to devise an escape plan. we would find a way to get a pod and escape to mexico. once in mexico, we would be safe and warm and happy.

top 10 reasons to celebrate db's birthday

happy birthday db!

1. db rocks my world


2. i like celebrating, especially with db


3. i can bring db EVERYWHERE i go now


4. except for the fact that db still could be drafted, and cant rent a car or run for president of the usa, he's a full-fledged-american citizen with ALL the rights and responsibilities that entails


5. i like db so incredibly much it makes even members of my pda-giving generation feel like sticking their fingers down their throats [for those not of my generation pda originally meant public displays of affection]


6. db will finally let me take him out to a nice dinner


7. now we can have wine with dinner and beer with bbq's


8. db is adorable


9. db is my boyfriend, mhm BOYfriend... B-O-Y-friend


10. db could get a job serving alcohol, if he wanted to, which he doesnt, i dont think

fruity brighton eve

the jp flea market was post-poned, so intead db and i went roaming around brighton.

we enjoyed breakfast at jim's deli, did laundry, walked to Herrell's in allston, bought vast quantities of fruit from Shaw's, relaxed on a blanket in the park while making hemp jewelry, and decided to make a dessert.

alb: when i was a kid we would take fresh rhubarb from the neighbors yard and eat it.

db: raw? you ate rhubarb raw?

alb: omg, yes! it's the best.

db: omg! we could ma

i dont heart taxes

finished my taxes this morning - made copies, sealed and stamped the envelopes, dropped them off at the post office - only to realize that i actually have one more day before they are due. all that rushing about for no reason.

i do not heart GW and his evil ways. and i do not heart sending more money to that filthy bastard. yeah, i had to pay this year. $102 Fed, and $132 state. i can live with state. i actually feel not-so-bad about how my state spends my dollars. federally, on the other hand, i cant stand the idea of my money heading straight into the war machine while our schools and communities get shafted. i could go on, but there are other topics id like to discuss.

work was good. i organized some greeting cards up front, put some lawn ornaments together, worked on itemizing the 2004 phone bills. i heart work.

after work i ordered chicken tikka masala to take home. i ate it. actually, it might be more accurrate to say that i inhaled it. it was incredible. i heart indian food.

im almost done reading this fantastic book by Dan Millman, Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior. When I finish, I have two more of his books from the library. i heart the library.

id like to do some art-making tonight too. we'll see. im a bit tired. i heart art.

and i heart you, too.

shakespear meets madlibs

Hamlet's third soliloquy

To be, or not to squeeze, -- that is the university;
Whether 'tis nobler in the towel to suffer
The slings and windows of silly fortune,
Or to take bottles against a sea of cars,
And by swooping end them. To die, -- to cringe, --
No more; and by a cringe to say we end
The poop and the 10,000 natural shocks
That flesh is third cousin to,-- 'tis a toe
frankly to be wish'd. To die, --- to cringe,--
To cringe! perchance to slap! ay, there's the butt;
For in that cringe of death what leaves may come
When we have fucked off this purple coil,
Must give us carebear....

gossamer cornfilter

According to the Fairy Name Generator my fairy is called Gossamer Cornfilter.

She is a creator of bounty and harvest, and lives in spiderwebbed wonderlands and insect grottos. She is only seen on midsummer's eve.

watery emotions

for two days, at least, ive dreampt of my family. i actually dream of them a lot. but the last two days we were at my aunt's or mom's and there was swimming, people getting injured, water paths - like ancient water systems of which i forget the names right now, and me trying to make sure the little kids were okay while i dealt with my own anger at people.

where is all this emotion coming from?

go with the flow

what does it mean to dream you've pooped your pants?

i mean, i know that dreaming you've got to pee or that you actually do pee can mean either you've got to pee and should wake up or you're having major anxiety about something. but poop?

so, not only did i dream that i pooped my pants, but i dreampt i didnt have anything to change into. so, i went into the bathroom and was trying to clean up. when i flushed the toilet all of this clean laundry started coming out of it. i was very concerned that the laundry would get dirty as it emerged, but also concerned that clothing was exiting the toilet. something was clearly wrong with the flow of the pipes.

i suppose this is all about the flow. my flow. the flow of energy, the flow of systems, the flow of life, the flow of flows in general and all specificity.

piggy tails

i drew a piggy! you should go look at it and then make your own.

meanwhile, im still selling my possessions to make some money, and for the inevitable move to cancun/ louisiana/ georgia/ oregon/ s.carolina/ mississippi/ alabama/ spain/ crete/ puerto rico.

what you want? baby i got it.