db's dyxlesic paranoia

this morning db tells me he needs to go to the bank and to his landlord's office to pay rent.

excellent, i think. i need to go to the bank too.

db jots down the address to the property management and we head out the door.

we take quite the walk through brighton and i have no clue where i am most of the time. eventually we're at his bank.

he doesnt like to make deposits in the ATM b/c he doesn't trust them.

instead, he hands over his checks and deposit slip to the random "helper" guy standing in the lobby with a clip board.

as we leave i ask, "uh, so, you don't trust the ATM with your checks but you'll give them to a total stranger standing in the lobby?"

db: "mhm"

i make a deposit at my bank and on the way to the property management company in allston i tell my favorite bank anicdote. you know, the one where the atm has been vandalized and there are only two branches, both open only during my working hours, making it impossible for me to deposit massive quantities of money that desperately need to be deposited.

its the police station and hospital that finally help me recognize where we are. having learned all the most important landmarks while living in allston, i point and say "KFC is over there." db is extremely impressed.

we walk down harvard ave, stopping only twice to browse the junk store and the music store. then we continue on our journy to pay the rent.

i must have asked db the address several hundred times, promptly forgetting it the moment he finished speaking. eventually i caught it. we were looking for 1274A Comm Ave.

perfect, we were at 1222 and after turning right, the numbers continue up rapidly. we make it a couple blocks and i ask db again, "whats the address again?" without beating me to a pulp he answers "1274A".

we make it to the corner, the CVS is 1266. "perfect it must be across the street." we cross and see a realty company on the corner... but the address is 1286.

db: "what?!"
me: "what did you say the address was again?"
db: "its 1274A"
me: "hmm... there isn't a 1274A."
db: with his hand still on his forehead in disbelief, "WHAT?!"
me: "what did you say the company was called again?"
db: "[enter name here]"
me: "hmm..."

we look across at the CVS. sure enough its still 1266. we walk up to the building which should have the 1270s. sure enough, 1286 then 1288, etc.

baffled as to how an entire city block could be missing we take the T back to db's.
me: "i want to see that piece of paper you got the address off."

db grabs the lease when we arrive at his place. the management company's address is in all caps across the top... 1247A Commonwealth Ave.

i bust out laughing and joke with db "next time you're having us walk all over town to find a place, im double checking the address."

me: "wait... why don't you just mail your rent check?"
db: "it will be late."
me: "today is the 30th, and there is a holiday. it will be there by Monday, the 3rd."
db: "that's late and i'll get fined."
me: "no you won't! you can be a couple day's late. they usually give you till the 5th or 15th before they fine you."
db: "really??? i won't get fined???"
me: "of course not!"
db: looking for a stamp in his desk... "where are my stamps!?!?"

silly db, trix are for kids.

c'mere confidence!

DB: where's your confidence today?

ME: hmmm.... i think i misplaced it

DB: i think so too

ME: i think its out in the snow
ME: buried

DB: you should pick it up when you go meet with the lady

ME: mhm
ME: where do you think it is?
ME: what the hell happened to it?
ME: how did it get out there?

DB: i think you have it
DB: it's just a little tired right now
DB: so let it rest until you need it

short cut

i decided a couple days ago that my hair was getting a bit drab. it had grown longer than ive had it in nearly 10 years.

yes... it was mid-neck!

so, this morning imagining how my hair looked just two months ago, im thinking "today would be a nice day for a hair cut."

i break out the professional hair cutting scissors, clippies and fine tooth comb, and head to the bathroom.

i do a quick inspection of the back, the sides, the top and determine an angle of attack.

the problem here, which you can see already, is that i approached this project as if it were a full scale war.

me against the hair.

the result... a short cut which, save the substantially shorter cut back, could make me a shoe-in for the character Joey Donnovan on the 1980s sitcom "Gimme a Break," played by Joey Lawrence.

its not nearly as flattering as my hair two months ago. fortunately, hair grows back.

until then, i'll be avoiding the camera crew my fan club thoughtfully has stationed outside my apartment.

everything about you

when a person isnt allowed to feel the negative feelings they actually feel, how can they possibly move past it?

according to 20 years of my own personal experience... they cant.

for example, i have found that when i feel pressure (self-imposed or not) to paint or write i spend a lot of time not painting or writing and a lot of time feeling bad about it. when i give myself permission NOT to paint or write, then the pressure amazingly disappears and all of a sudden i find myself painting and writing again.

so, as a winter holiday gift, i have decided to give myself a whopper.

no silly goose, not a burger king whopper.

through amazing spontaneous conversations with DB, ive recognized that since the age of eight, i was never allowed to hate one particular person who has caused so much misery for me and my mom.

this is the person in this world who i cant stand more than any other human being ever - even more than GW (who comes in a close second).

growing up i was told that i had to be nice and that i hurt this person's feelings by not liking them. and i was scolded and even kicked out of my home for expressing my great disdain for them.

i felt guilty for having so much anger and hatred for this person. this person who abused my mom and i for over a decade.

i have spent nearly two decades trying to heal and let the anger and hatred go so i could move on with my healthy life. but how is that possible when ive never been allowed to fully accept this anger and hatred?

how can i let go of something ive never been allowed to have anyway?

first i must accept these feelings, make them legitimate. then i can move forward with compassion and forgiveness.
* * *

i now grant myself permission to hate your ugly gross nasty putrid evil stupid guts.

i also give myself permission not to feel bad or guilty for hating you.

i accept my anger and hatred, and in a most healthy way i embrace it as natural and appropriate and real.

it is okay to hate you, you stupid fucking piece of shit asshole. i hate you with every fiber of my being and have at times wished you dead.

you are the epitome of the pigheaded caveman which treats women and children like property and trophies. and this is not only unacceptable but its completely fucked up.

i hate how you treated my mother and how you now treat your own children, you mentally and emotionally abusive bastard. i hate you for this.

and i hate how you are still invited to holidays with my family. because it pains me to see your fat ugly face and hear your lying disgusting voice.

you make me shudder with disgust. you honestly make me physically ill.

i hate everything about you.

hate hate hate.
* * *
i have a feeling im going to need more than an hour of hating in order to move on. so, i'll report back later on how this approach is working.

kissing, duct tape, and flying daggers

mmm... kissing is nice. touching is nice. everything is nice. but thats just my take on things.

i mean, its nice in general, but its even better with someone neat and funny and smart and nice to look at too.

and duct tape has a funny smell, but i kind of like it. no, this has nothing to do with the kissing and touching - its a completely separate situation involving cds and boxes.

note: under no circumstances should anyone waste money seeing The House of the Flying Daggers. its incredibly beautiful to look at, but it was a lot like re-living middle school... in the 800s... with subtitles... and more blood.

having the flu is just like being pregnant

except its not beautiful at all - its painful and kicks your ass the entire time; you cant eat; you have a fever; you want to die and are willing to pay someone to kill you.

wait, i meant to talk about how its similar.

pardon.

well, according to Our Bodies, Ourselves published by the Boston Women's Health Book Collective, during pregnancy a woman might have bizarre dreams and crave odd foods.

this is happening to me. yet, its definately the flu.

first, the dream:

im at some large building, possibly the old post office building downtown. only there's not much else around b/c its kind of the edge of town in the dream. at first im already in and trying to find my damn way out. of course i cant b/c its a fucking maze. stupid sob.

anyway, im looking for a way out and cant find one. apparently there is an event happening at this party, which is apparently in this building, and apparently im supposed to know what im doing and who these people are. alas, i know nothing - not even why the hell i need to leave so badly.

as im wandering around in circles through hallways and doorways and bedrooms and bathrooms and closets and conference rooms and pool rooms and rooms with groups of naked men OR women in them (single gendered), people are asking me questions as if i should know the answers, yet i dont. i scury off.

at some point im being followed by these goth girls with lots of make-up and black funny clothes. im slightly concerned they are going to try to kill me. after climbing through secret passage ways i only accidentally discovered, i make it into this dark bathoom thats all pale green. they find me. shit!

they lead me to a couch someplace and start asking me strange sexual questions. okay, they probably werent very strange, the questions, but seeing how i didnt know them and they were girls and goth, it seemed a bit odd. then they wanted to do some sex stuff. and well, thats all i remember... ahem.

now the food cravings

i would officially like to call this my "im sick with the flu and dying, wish list"

* coconut popcicles
* rice pudding, no raisins
* one can of cream soda
* smores poptarts
* a quart of chocolate silk (soy milk)
* another quart of chocolate silk
* hot chicken soup w/ lots of carrots in it, not the canned kind b/c that made me ill today
* pepperoni slices
* apple sauce?
* omg, a box of cream of wheat that i could cook up and feel slide down my throat!!!

*note: im happy to provide reimbursement, i just need some footsoldier

IB Profin, the new candy

so, i think maybe im done being sick. and thats awesome!

unfortunately, i think ive messed up my rotator cuff. i dont even know exactly what that means, ive forgotten already.

but when i read the diagnosis online it seemed to fit pretty perfectly.

so, now im loaded on IB Profin.

and i realized the other day that IB Profin doesnt actually STOP the actual pain.

what IB Profin does, is shuts off your pain receptors. it blocks them from receiving the signal from your nerves that something is wrong and something hurts.

the good thing about that is its unlikely to stop working even if you take tons of it for a decade.

this may become important as my rotator cuff continues to be messed up forever.

aliens drive dolphins

ME: things are lookin' up
DB: mhm, they sure are
ME: its almost like im a human bean again
DB: hehe, a human bean
DB: hahahaha
DB: HA
ME: although i dreampt of aliens
ME: and my ex bf
DB: really?
ME: and lom
DB: :-(
ME: mhm
DB: not fun
ME: wasnt bad
DB: really?
ME: just... bizarre
ME: as most alien dreams tend to be, i imagine
DB: mhm, maybe all 3 of you got abducted
ME: heheh
DB: and the aliens cured some of your sickness
ME: yes
ME: that must be it
DB: mhm, i'll tell my dad about it
ME: all three of us were abducted from the pretty beach
ME: okay
DB: that's weird, where was the beach?
ME: usually the beach is in the pacific someplace
ME: so, it may have been california
ME: or hawaii
ME: or some other non-existant place
DB: usually? the beach where you get abducted?
ME: well, daniel, the abduction was your addition to the story
ME: in my dream, there was a beach
DB: right... but the aliens
ME: the aliens were at the beach
DB: oh ok
ME: flying around in rubber dolphins and such
ME: i told you, bizarre
ME: not real looking rubber dolphins
DB: oh man, you must have been happy
ME: kids toys
DB: and that's why it wasn't bad
ME: it was kind of interesting
DB: endolphins and kids toys
DB: i bet you were smiling
ME: hehe
ME: first i was walking along the beach and turned toward the water and there was a huge octopus on the sand
ME: i was concerned for its safety, it really should be in the water
ME: but i wasnt about to go touch it and get all entangled and drown while helping it
DB: hmmm, good call
ME: i looked up toward the beach and people were walking down, so i thought maybe they were coming to look or help
ME: and i looked back out at the water and these divers and surfers were coming up from the water
ME: but they looked weird
ME: something about their nose and eyes.... they were all the same
ME: and they all had blonde hair
ME: at some point i realized this was how i could tell if someone was an alien
ME: they all had the same eyes and nose
DB: blonde's are aliens?
ME: i was walking away from the beach toward the road and i was noticing an awful lot of these folks are aliens
ME: no, blondes are not aliens
DB: haha
DB: oh, ok, the weird eyes and nose
ME: but a lot of aliens were blondes
ME: mhm
DB: can you draw a picture of it?
ME: no
ME: i wish
DB: :-( what if we hypnotize you?
ME: lol
ME: no, probably still couldnt
DB: :-(
DB: can we try?
ME: im super bad w/ drawing what i see in my head
ME: if you want we can
DB: woohoo!
ME: lol
ME: i got up to the road, and on the other side of the road is another beach
ME: and on that side i saw aliens flying in rubber dolphins
ME: like the kind that have peach as the main body color and a white belly and then giant blue eyes with eyelashes
ME: so, definately blow up floaty TOY dolphins
DB: hmmm, that sounds like a fun time
ME: i kept walking on the road, and there were aliens flying above and all over
ME: then i started to wonder if this was an invasion
ME: were the aliens hostile?
ME: hostile toward me?
ME: clearly, it seemed to me they had a good population on the "island" or wherever i was
DB: did they scare you?
ME: i dont think they did so intentionally
DB: ok
ME: i think thats all i remember about that
ME: im not sure if/how the other dreams fit
ME: you gonna be a dream analysist?
DB: do you analyze dreams or take them at face value?
ME: depends
DB: i tend to suck at analyzing dreams
ME: sometimes i just write about them
ME: and dont analyze or take them at face value

im seeing things and thats not a joke

im scared

my eyes are creeping me out

well, not entirely

half of its in my head

its just that my head is pretending its my eyes

i dont think this is normal

and the last song of tonight was the Cure, Pictures of You, which was a good one to end the night, except for all the swirling and zigzag lights

all of which were in my head

the people too

lots of people, and i was under a bar and it was dark, i was facing up and saw the people leaning over the glass laughing, spilling their drinks right into me, but wait there was glass so it didnt get me wet i decided

then i didnt like the idea of being spilled on, so i started growing and seeing everything from above

everyone looking up at me and im higher and higher and there are these snow flake giant lolipops that are gathering around my face and throat and i cant see down below any more so i lean

and im falling, but i can see me falling from below and im beautiful and sparkling in white and now the floor is rising over my head but i think imin the red room and there is dancing still although the music stopped i thought but somewhere its playing still

and im in the corner and now there are big giant insect feel and get them away!!! eeewww, they are crawling and they will get me any time now and i hate it but they wont go

and the floor out there turns to dirt with so many bugs crawling all over it and they will see me any second

omg omg i cant possible keep my eyes closed and try to sleep like this. i swear i havent taken any thing. ive only taken all my regular medicines that i take every day, plus IB Profin like the doc said.

even when my eyes are open i see things, so i cant look up. i can only look at the screen or close my eyes. but ithe screen looks like a face, with the date and time as eyes and the body here is all just blank face, and the info list on the left is the hair line or ear line or some kind of dividing line and now the text has made this perfect smile where i just typed all that.

and when i look away, which im not
!!!!!!
omg, screaming girls outside, heartattack!

i put my fingers over my eyes like little mittened hands without mittens, and everything is white except this black box in the center, which is like a window into the abyss and im afraid to look away because something will come, but if i keep looking something will come

and when i got up, i thought someone was in the living room, or anywhere, and going to get me but i know that its not real but i jumped and i dont even think i saw anything or heard anything but i dont remember already.

i want my mommy

i dont want to do this anymore.

i cant breathe and it hurts and there isnt enough air, and im the kind of girl who needs a lot of air in big amounts all at once.

i can only lay on my back because it hurts inside if i try the front or left or right. so, its just my back and its too cold that way, plus i like variety.

and its scary. i cant catch my breath and what if my lungs get smaller and smaller until there is only a teaspoon of breath to catch and i catch it but its not enough so i die!

and when i lay in bed on my back with the covers over my head to stay warm, there are three nice old black women all squished together and they pat my hand and smile and i talk to them and tell them im scared and they nod and i tell them i know i wont die and they smile and nod and i thank them for taking care of me. and i try to relax and slow my breathing but that just makes it worse, so i try not to do anything and just breathe however it is im gonna.

and i thought i was getting better but this doesnt feel better at all, just different. i think i have a fever again and it hurts to eat but my throat is a little better sometimes, except when its dry which is all the time due to trying to breathe.

and there are germs everywhere! i cant stand to be here in this germy apartment. its so fucking gross and nothing comes off even when i scrub. no wonder i got the death flu.

when i woke up i was going to eat, but i didnt want to touch anything. so, i put on my disposable non-powdered non-latex plasticish gloves (usually used for crafting and sealing paintings) and used disinfectant wipes on all the doors and door handles and light switches and faucet nobs and cabinet doors and everything else i ever touch in this place. i did this when i moved in too, but you'd never know it. some of this shit couldnt be burned off.

i dont want to be sick any more. i dont like it and its not fun and it hurts and its scary. im supposed to be "watching out" for pneumonia this week, since the flu part mainly seems to be ending, unless its not! JFC i dont even know where im at in this fucking illness. am at the beginning??? the middle??? the end??? i was pretty sure it was done last sunday but it kept right on going!

i cant work, i cant socialize, i cant really do any kind of activities like reading or watching movies, i cant eat, i cant breathe, and i cant sleep. im trapped in HELL. and not just any hell.

my hell is pre-heated, twice baked, reheated, over-cooked, froze, dethawed, froze again with freezer burn, boiled, broiled, creamed, mashed, chopped, sliced, diced, puried, recycled, and served all three meals every damn day.

i want my mommy!

nightmare on my street

yesterday i had been thinking "its all good news and recovery from here on out." what i had forgotten was the sneezing hadn't arrived yet.

so, in true "bursting your bubble" fashion, i awoke to a nightmarish half-dozen sneezes.

you're wondering why the hell this would be anything near a nightmare, especially considering i actually had a nightmare before waking (to be discussed later)?

if you've ever been in that stage of the flu when everything everywhere hurts no matter what and especially if something else moves a bit, then you certainly will remember how excrutiatingly painful it is to sneeze during this time.

it is the epitomey of stabbing yourself in the back of the throat multiple times with a half sharp, half dull fork while someone else (due to your lack of having enough hands) repeatedly slams giant cymbals closed against your ears and kicks you in the shins.

and the worst part is all of this is REAL and happening and you can feel it!

but i guess sleeping nightmares are like that too... at least for me.

mine was a bit perplexing and definately uncomfortable, physically and emotionally. unlike other nightmares? hmm...

i was with LOM, rollerskating in a parking lot in my home state of WA. it was so beautiful and bright and hot and sunny out - definately a hot august day outside of the city.

there were a few trails from the parking lot that went down to the river where people would go play in the water, innertube and such.

for some reason, LOM and i had unloaded a forest of plants and house trees at one edge of the parking lot, a couple of which were in giant vases and pots.

LOM was over in the middle of the parking lot looking at one of the city's giant potted plants, who the hell knows why, and i was rollerskating happily back and forth with few cares.

then i saw a park ranger.
*insert B Movie shrieking scream*

my mind began racing: what if they take the plants? what if we get a ticket? what if they think they are the city's plants and that we are stealing? omg, i have to tell LOM! can i get to her before the park ranger makes it over here? omg, omg, omg.

at some point i felt this enormous weight on my chest and was having serious difficulty breathing. in fact, i started to feel like i couldnt move and couldnt breathe. and this feeling just intensified until i finally woke up, on my side, shoulders pushed forward and very much unable to breathe.

im not big on not being able to breathe. i really find breathing to be one of those essential bodily functions that keep me alive and happy. but maybe i was just holding off the sneeze.

the kind that kills babies and old people

doctor: so, tell me what's been going on.

me: well, on thanksgiving my left lymph node started hurting and a couple days later my right lymph node started hurting. then this thursday night i had the full blown flu.

doctor: what were the symptoms thursday night?

me: achey muscles, fever, headache and extreme weakness.

doctor: mhm, anything else?

me: i go in the cycles of high fever and freezing so that my toes and fingers get numb, then i get really super hot and im soaking wet in sweat.

doctor: you said you have a sore throat?

me: yeah, but it only started yesterday which is odd.

doctor: okay, lets check your temperature. *she uses the little ear majig to check* right now you're at 102.

me: wow, thats funny because i actually feel better today.

doctor: do you have any elderly or babies living with you?

me: hu uh

doctor: good, that means we dont have to worry about getting them started on medication.

me: okay

doctor: basically, your getting your ass kicked by this flu.

me: *audible laugh*

doctor: this will have you down for another two weeks, but it would kill an older person or a baby.

me: *OMG! written across my face*

doctor: keep doing what you're doing, drinking liquids, eating when you can, taking IB Profin, and getting lots of rest.

me: okay.

doctor: would it help to have a note for work?

me: yes, definitely.

she's crafty

so, i woke up at 7am, all refreshed, feeling pretty good.

got out of bed, showered, started making breakfast.

next think you know, im shaking and freezing and weak.

spending another day in bed... alone... sick. bah.

i was thinking this might be good time to get some holiday gift crafting done. but as my good friend db reminded me in a wizardly voice...

"the gifts you craft now will only spread your sickness to others.."

i couldnt help but think of small pox blankets. always nice to share your extremely contageous and deadly diseases with others.

everybody was kung fu painting

db and i did some much needed painting. it was therapy, at least for me. but i have a feeling it was for him too.

i painted the sun and also some hay. both are pretty and vibrant. although db prefers the sun to the hay.

db painted something. something red. then used white. its a bit abstract. and i like it.

db, in case i havent said it, is a truly fantabulous friend. he even brought me a few movies to watch while im ill. he brought lord of the rings, two towers, bruce lee game of death, and dancer in the dark. talk about brilliant!

oh, im looking for a new place in JP. thats where SNL are moving, and i think it would be fun to be neighbors. so, if you hear of a 1bd for under $1k, let me know.

lastly... i talked with ht tonight. it was our second phone conversation ever. it didnt get as deep as our first, but we did still manage to discuss accupuncture, ice cream, kung fu masters, and healing through energy transference.

went to bed and bumped her head and...

after that last entry i decided i couldnt just lay here and die. i had to at least try to make it to the store for medicine.

it took me nearly half an hour to go from bed to front door, fortunately this includes dressing.

since im feverish, i knew id be extra cold outside. so, i lleft my jammies on and put clothes on over them. turns out this was a brilliant plan, and i was able to stay warm outside.

since ive been in bed nearly the whole time since thursday night, i was unaware of how little balance i had.

not only did i bang my forehead up pretty good on my way out the door, but i also nearly collapsed twice in cvs and once in whole foods.

the whole trip took about an hour. and if you knew where i lived and how close both stores are, you'd be very concerned about this. it should literally have taken 15 minutes because cvs is across the street, and whole foods is just behind it.

what i bought:
generic nyquil
advil
orange juice
mint chocolate chip tofutti cuties
chocolate chip cookies

so what if i bought sweets. thats what im craving and we're lucky, fyi, that ive even gotten my apetite back... however temporary it might be.

is it just me, or does it feel like snow?

the worst thing about being single

im so unbelievably weak right now.

i find it exhausting to even breathe or turn over or have my eyes open. and i dont have any medicine i can take or anything to occupy my time.

i became feverish thursday night, called out sick friday due to fever and aches and pains, and today my fever is lower, but still here.

i honestly dont have enough strength to get out of bed and leave the apartment to get medicine myself - or i would.

and no one can get me medicine because they are all at parties.

the saddest part about being single is when you need help and there is no one to help you, you realize how alone you are in this world.

i heart lymph nodes

so i had to call out sick today.

my lymph nodes have been killing me for nearly a week.

at first it was the just lymph node on the right. then a couple days ago the other one started being sore.

WTF?

i have never ever done anything wrong to my lymphs.

im a good lymph-parent.

i googled "sore lymph node" to find there is really nothing you can do except wait. and probably, in 2 to 4 weeks, they'll be all better.

who the hell can stand having sore lymph nodes for 2 to 4 weeks?

every time i move my shoulders or neck, my neck muscles contract and push against my mofo lymph nodes... good god! its killing me!

things that make you go "hmmm"

im always baffled when people only a couple years younger than me cant imagine life without bike helmets or wrist/elbow/knee pads. i learned to ride a bike in gravel. we didnt have paved roads in my town. and wiping out resulted in serious skinning (which should be called deskinning).

i also remember a time before seatbelt or motorcycle helmet laws. the good ol' 1980s. in fact, i dont think we even had seatbelts in our hippy-van, and my dad only wore a helmet when he rode alone.

my mom and her friends used to take us kids ice skating... on the lake. we (adults and kids) didnt wear ice skates - why bother? - we just wore our brown-soled sneakers and slid around on the creaking crackling ice.

ive only been shot once with a b-b gun, and luckily it wasn't in the eye. alas, the same cousin who shot me, did happen to shoot another kid in the eye. i believe that court case is still open... 18 years later.

finally, i recall fishing in a rock quarry canal with my mom and her bf. i also recall there being a whirlpool which seemed to suck every/anything into it and under the water. we sat on the very edge of the rocks with our feet in the water. when i fell in, i held onto a wobbly rock and calmly asked for assistance. had i not held on or had the rock dislodged, id have been sucked under and surely have drown.

i dream of toohey

ive never dreamt of a local celebrity before, so imagine my surprise when im hanging out with meg toohey, and she wants me... bad.

as it goes with dreams, i only remember a couple details. but they are good ones.

im outside with a bunch of friends and we are walking somewhere. meg is there and she hangs back to talk to me.

she tells me she wants to see me more, that she wants to be with me. and apparently this seemed like a good idea to me.

next segment i recall is at meg's house.

im sitting onthe living room floor and we're talking. she's up walking around, and sometimes sits with me.

at some point it occurs to me that its very late (ie very early the next morning) and that we've been hanging out but havent slept at all.

while she's sitting with me she tells me she wants me to kiss her. (in real life i would die of embarassment at this point). she lays back onto the floor and i position myself over her and look into her eyes.

thats all i remember. except a trip to the bathroom in which im changing my clothes for some unknown reason.

id say the dream was pretty intense. i wonder if she dreamt of me?