investing 101

as usual, i learned something about myself today.

i actually already knew this, but as with most things, i had forgotten and re-learned it when it actually came up again.

investing in a person adds to stress and frustration that is not present pre-investment.

here is the basic formula:

1. what do i mean by investing or investment?

* to invest in a person is to put in time, emotional or financial resources (financial could be paying for dinner/movie to paying for a European vacation).

2. investment leads to having expectations and/or desiring particular outcomes.


3. desiring particular outcomes or having expectations leads to frustration and dissatisfaction.

is this true? does investing in someone/thing always result in expectations thus dissatisfaction?

if so, how do you have a meaningful relationship or connection with someone if you are unwilling or unable to make an investment?

to avoid dissatisfaction must i avoid investment? and if i avoid investment am i essentially giving in to a fear of attachment or a fear of dissatisfaction?

a willingness to invest indicates to another person that they are valued in some way and can also indicate to another person that it is also appropriate for them to invest, if they would like.

if i am unwilling to invest what does this say about me, my maturity and my potential experiences? is investment required for a deeper sense of connection?

and is it possible to invest in someone without expectations or becoming attached to an outcome? or does the lack of attachment to an outcome indicate that there is no true investment?

all i know is that until i made the investment, i had little attachment to the outcome. as soon as i made the investment i became frustrated, wanted more information, and all of a sudden the outcome became very important to me.

i started to think: if the outcome is success, i have made a good investment. if the outcome is not success, it means my investment was wasted and i may feel rather foolish.

however, i do believe that we must be able to invest, experience meaningful connection, and somehow not develop expectations or desire a particular outcome.

how can i change all of this into something positive that releases me from this cycle of expectations and dissatisfaction?

i now choose to see my investment as an act of nurturance and loving kindness. my choice to support another spirit in their journey was an act free from all expectations and attachments to outcome, and i choose it to remain as such.

i know that it was pure love that led me to share myself with this person, and i honor that choice as perfect as i release all attachment.

i choose to change how i think about investing.

i choose to let go of my attachment to outcome and my expectations. i choose to allow everything to play out exactly how it does, and to know that whatever that is, is okay and means nothing about me.

my thinking led me to frustration and by changing my thinking, i feel a sense of calm, peace, love, and confidence.

so, it is possible to invest in something without developing a desire for a particular outcome, and not experience frustration or dissappointment.

it requires a little work, but it can be done. i just need to remember that i am not responsible for the outcome, and that the outcome says/means nothing about me. i will be okay regardless of the outcome. and the other person is experiencing whatever they need to in their journey through this life.

chocolate grasshoppers

so even after having a decaf mocha w/ soy and a brownie at ERC im still desperately craving chocolate.

i want it, i neeeeeed it!

i thought that maybe, just maybe i could divert my attention from this nuerotic obsession by substituting a nice spinach salad.

had i not found a baby grasshopper in my spinach, i may have only been distracted for 10 minutes. however, the great Grasshopper Discovery of 2004 resulted in at least a good 30 minutes of old fashioned distraction.

it just so happened that after slopping on a heap of annie's goddess dressing, that i looked at my spinach and saw a partially intact baby grasshopper.

it was attached to part of a torn spinach leaf, the other half of which could have been anywhere in the bowl amongst the 100s of other torn spinach leaves.

i removed the leaf and carcus and began sorting through the remainder of the salad for the rest of the grasshopper.

unfortunately, the only thing/s missing from said grasshopper were a couple legs and maybe a wing.

now, besides the fact that i cant stand to waste food, my only other alternative to eating this grasshopper salad was to dress, enter the wet cold night, and sneak to the CVS for a giant bag of M&Ms.

i decided to stick it out and try my luck with the salad. i mean, c'mon. ive eaten dead cow! i can handle a couple minescule grasshopper legs, right?

so, i sat down to eat my meal.

its amazing how every single ingredient in annie's goddess dressing looks remarkably just like the leg or wing of a baby grasshopper.

with as much concentration as a scientist isolating a particular section of dna, i literally looked at every spinach leaf, both sides, before allowing it into my mouth.

i found several dozen "grasshopper legs", most of which were probably just herbs. and managed to waste at least 15 minutes writing this entry.

unfortunately, the chocolate is still calling. should i answer? i hear chocolate covered grasshoppers are tastey.

so many houses

i dreampt my mom and i were driving in the city. we stopped at a swap meet and parked her car, agreeing to meet up later.

she walked around looking at things and i, for some unknown reason, decided to explore a house near the car.

the house was tall with high ceilings, somewhat empty, but had dresses hanging all over... perhaps part of the swap meet.

my mom returned and i asked if there was anything worth seeing. she told me she thought there were a lot of things id probably like.

this surprised me... i wasnt expecting there would be anything of interest, which is why i didnt bother looking.

i headed off to take a quick look around.

i found another house. a rambler, so smaller with lower ceilings. probably built more recently.

there was a decorative wrought-iron screen door and from the outside you could see the drapes.

i entered, because thats the kind of thing a person does in dreams, and found an older couple who owned the home.

they welcomed me and believed i was there to stay a few nights. aparently, this was something of a motel/b&b.

linda and her parents were there. although im not sure how they first appeared.

we all sat together at the table and ate a meal of delicious soup. there was some discussion, some banter, and i was slightly concerned by a long-bodied mouse (very kitten-like in appearance) that kept jumping onto the table.

initially the mouse jumped on linda's dad's shoulder. but he didnt seem concerned.

"mr. LOM, there is a mouse on your shoulder. is it yours?"

"oh, no its not mine."

the mouse jumped off and ran under the couch.

i got up and knelt down to peer under the couch. i saw this mouse and several others lying on the floor and on top of the electric heater.

they didnt seem to be fearful of humans, which is not typical "wild mouse" behavior (trust me, i have extensive wild mouse experience from my childhood and know that it takes a substantial amount of food and drink to get a little one to trust you).

while linda's parents began cleaning off the table and washing the dishes, i was still contemplating the mice.

when the older couple, the home owners, came around i didnt want to worry them or make them think we were dissatisfied with our stay, but i felt they should be aware of the mice.

"are the mice yours?" i asked.

"oh yes, they are."

hmmm... perhaps they should have told us that we'd be sharing the home with a colony of mice. some people might have issues with this situation and choose not to stay.

fortunately, it didnt seem to be an issue for us, and i was quite relieved because it meant it would be appropriate to play with the mice.

now that this was resolved, the dream shifted a bit.

a caterer came into the kitchen with a 5 gallon fish tank. he was going on and on about our sandwiches, had us sign something, and then left the tank, several tiny fish, and a container of pellets.

one of the young women staying in the house took the tank to her room. however, she forgot the pellets, so i determined it was my duty to find her and deliver the pellets so the fish could eat.

there were many rooms in the hallway. most of the doors were closed and i was uncomfortable knocking on them. i found an open door at the end of the hall. the older couple were in here, snuggled up in bed.

"im sorry to bother you. can you tell me which room your daughter is in?" hmmm, i guess the girl was their daughter.

they directed me a few rooms down on the left. i knocked and opened the door.

her matress was on the floor, she was tangled in blankets. there was a dresser against the left wall with an old electric alarm clock.

i sat on the bed and spoke.

"i brought you the pellets, for the fish. you should crush them before putting them in the water, and only feed them one per fish per meal."

she looked at me. "thank you."

i didnt want to leave. she was so beautiful lying there. i was certain she was in her twenties, but didnt question why she would be living with her parents still.

she sat up and instantly i felt a sexual tension between us. this made me nervous. there should be no sexual tension between my hosts daughter and i. it would be improper. yet, i didnt create this tension. it clearly came from her.

the dream shifts again and im in a log-cabinesque mall. the food court. (ever been to mohecan casino?) i am with the caterer again and he is preparing a cake.

the queen enters and i duck so as not to be seen. not the queen mum but something of a fairytale queen... perhaps a melding of alice's queen of hearts, and snow white's queen.

she's beautiful but cruel. and i know i cannot be seen by her or i will be severely punished.

she orders changes to the cake and leaves. i emerge from under the counter and the caterer allows me a taste of the frosting. i love buttercream frosting. yum.

i sneak out and the dream shifts.

im with andy. i am utterly confused that he has taken a job as a barber. he knows nothing about cutting hair, and how did he end up unemployed anyway?

i drive him to work and he brings me in this house to show me the shop. its a house. just a regular house.

we enter and to the right is a bathroom, we walk straight ahead through the living room, and turn right into the kitchen. i see another bathroom on the right.

this isnt a barber shop or hair salon, its someone's house. his boss is there. im pretty sure she's a lesbian. for some unknown reason this explains the lack of professional atmosphere.

andy ceases interacting with me and is only aware of his boss. i tell him i am leaving and without looking at me he tells me "okay." naturally this pisses me off.

the dream shifts and we are at the car in the front lawn of his barber shop. there are some guys going to the house next door and he's being beckoned. i think we might be arguing about how he treats me with indifference, plus im a bit skeptical about the whole barber thing.

he want to go with his friends and i know there is no use in protesting or continuing the conversation. so he goes and doesnt look back.

the dream shifts and im in the house off highway 2. a lot of my dreams take place here, so its certainly no surprise.

this is my home now, and i have a few roommates. LOM and SH live with me.

im outside, checking my mail and peeking in my neighbor's mailbox. apparently the mail carrier cant seem to deliver our mail the the appropriate home.

Prince (yes, the artist formerly known as Prince who is now, again, known as Prince) is walking by on the way to his car. he tends to park just up the street when he's in town for his dental appointment or something.

he stops to talk with me, as usual.

"how did things go with the condo?"

i dont recall the rest of our conversation, or what my reply was, although it would have been interesting to know what my subconscious take is on the whole thing.

plus im not quite sure if we were talking about me and LOM's condo, or the one that im currently intentioning.

in any case, it seemed that the feeling was "things went/are okay."

after he left, i went back into the house where it seems a gathering was taking place. LOM had set out cheese and crackers, chicken wings, dip, and other tastey morsels.

EC, MM and SH were there already and digging in. the phone rang and it was for me. it was PW from college. we havent spoken in 6 years.

we didnt discuss how our friendship ended. how he became possessive and irrational, and how he decided that my unwillingness to be at his beck and call was akin to mutiny. neither of us brought it up.

he said a lot has changed for him over the last 6 years. he's lost weight, was in a better place in his mental and emotional life, and was in town.

during the call my dad came into the kitchen. all i could think was "what the hell is he doing in my house? who let him in?"

i told someone to get rid of him. perhaps LOM, perhaps EC. i dont know. but i wasnt about to communicate with him, or let him make me uncomfortable in my own home.

PW and concluded the call with promises to hang out and catch up. it was wonderful to hear from him. although a bit needy, he had been one of my dearest friends in college. always willing to be honest with me, and having the keen insight of someone with several years more life experience and knowledge.

i walked around the house to see how our guests were doing. this is when i woke.

giving thanx

as painful as life can be on occassion, it can also be bliss. and without one, we cannot even hope to experience the other.

in no particular order, i am thankful for the following:

1. coffee flavor tofutti cuties of which ive just finished my eighth today


2. each breath that fills my chest, providing me with life and energy


3. my mother for always doing her best, even when she was tired and hurting and wanted to give up


4. oatmeal and cream of wheat two of the best foods ever


5. YF who loved me as his own and never stopped looking


6. my sister and brother who i love with all my heart and miss more than i would miss chocolate if it were to vanish from the planet


7. VP for always remembering me


8. running water cascading over my shoulders via shower or waterfall


9. TS for encouraging me to apply to WWU anyway, and letting me turn in my papers late when i couldnt do homework b/c i was sleeping in my truck


10. SG for finding work for me, even when it meant paying me from the lollipop fund


11. guitars and all the beautiful sounds that come out of them


12. ASL who supported me through high school and college as best as possible and helped me grow into the person i am today


13. love, because it feels good even when it hurts


14. ML&LL for sharing your roof and food when i had none


15. ML for apologizing after all those years


16. MK who is here, even when 3000 miles away


17. SH for taking me and Cubito in and sharing your heart and couch with us


18. MH who nurtured my creativity and sense of self as i was in that cocoon trying to sprout wings


19. G&J for giving me a warm place to stay when id come home from college for the weekend


20. Boston which welcomed me, keeps me safe, and has made me feel more at home than any other city ive met


21. dishwashers like the one i dont have


22. soul mates including DB, KDK, LW


23. writing which has saved my life countless times


24. LE for being kind and caring and too much fun


25. SW who can be trusted with the most important things and is the most honest person i know


26. the color pink because it makes me feel warm and cozy


27. LOM for teaching me that its okay to spend my money on me, and to buy nice things


28. ann taylor which makes elegant and beautiful clothing that feels so good against my skin


29. KG for loving me unconditionally, even when i didnt know how to help him make poop


30. rainbows to remind me that the pot of gold is already here, i just have to see it


31. vision with which i can experience art and the sky and your face


32. manny, papi, veritek, johnny, pedro, pokey, curt, nomar (even though he was traded), dougM, millar, muelar, mr. C, and any other cutie patootie i left out


33. sunshine which warms my back, povides necessary vitamins, creates beatiful shadows on the buildings in the city and nourishes the seeds which become food and flowers and trees


34. being able-bodied because i can do anything id like to, from simple to complex


35. rain all the 65 forms we refer to in the seattle area weather forecasts


36. CFL which created an avenue for me to dig deeper into my spiritual sense of self and create the life i desire


37. music which is the sound of beauty and life and love and pain and everything else


38. children reminding me of how wonderful and cruel the world is, and why i must keep moving forward toward change


39. your soft hands touching my face


40. soy products because they are yummy


41. good health because so much else depends upon it... and the red wheelbarrow


42. poetry, which allowed me to make reference to the red wheelbarrow above


43. dreaming because there is so much i cant deal with while awake and that my mind processes while i sleep, plus i really like jumping off buildings and flying in UFOs


44. direct communication even thought its scary and difficult


45. my body because it is a source of awe and pleasure and beauty and love


46. anyone who has ever given me the benefit of the doubt

kinsey

seeing how things were back in the day, things about sex and about sexuality, and how people thought... it sure makes a girl appreciate how things have changed.

when i was 14 i was pretty sure i was going to hell for masturbating.

in fact, i was sure i was going to hell for just about everything and that the only girls who might be doing what i was doing were bad girls. very very bad girls.

at the Everett Public Library I found a book for girls about sex. the author talked about masturbation and sexual activity and said it was normal.

i was normal?!?!!!!

imagine 40, 50, 100 years ago... when sex and sexuality werent even discussed or written about in any sane way. what would i have thought? would i have killed myself?

in college, kinsey's scale of sexuality was our proof that we, queer folk, were okay.

normal.

kinsey's work was a historical body of evidence that gave us hope that some day the world would accept us.

near the end of the movie, kinsey is interviewing this woman in her 50s or 60s. he tells her sorrowfully that his work has done nothing, for things havent changed.

she tells him that things, in fact, have changed so much. because of him, his book on female sexuality, she found the courage to be true to herself.

"you saved my life," she tells him.

conversations with DB

6:30pmish

ME: OMG! you know what is the best ever???
DB: what?!?
ME: waffles with banana slices... just plain waffles with slices of banana, no syrup
DB: mmm


7:00pmish

ME: my grandma makes homemade syrup
DB: wow, really?
ME: mhm, she puts sugar in a cup and microwaves it until it melts and puts maple flavor in it
DB: hmmm... is that how everyone makes it? by microwave?
ME: i dont know... i mean, im sure she used to do it by stove top, but now she's...
DB: high tech
ME: haha, yeah, high tech grandma
DB: high tech grandma's are the best!


9:00pmish

ME: OMG! look at this!
DB: haha, how cute
ME: this is the cutest cat EVER! i have to have it! i love it!


10:30pmish

DB: you know how you ask me "why?" everytime i say i'm not going to do something?
ME: mhm
ME: it pisses you off? hehe
DB: nope
ME: oh?
ME: suprising :)
DB: the answer is because i'm scared of failure, rejection and loss, and i've discovered that before, but i didn't remember it until i was looking for pasta


later

DB: love is nice and pretty and raps everything up in a nice little basket that you can give to people you don't like or you do like, and they'll take it like they take fruitcake

just be

special thought of the day for dp:
wherever you are right now, and however things are this minute - you are enough, you do enough and you are loved.

give yourself permission to just be.


special thought of the day for db:
everything you want, you already have. you just have to be able to see it.


special thought of the day for everyone else:
our nose and ears and eyes are all in different spots b/c if they were all in one spot, someone could take us out with one jab of a finger.

the crazy genius strikes again!

11/17/04 3:13 pm

so, i toted my "new" desk home from LOMs last night using the dolly i borrowed from work.

needless-to-say, i looked like a freak with my desk-on-wheels tied to the dolly with a beautiful and fluffy multi-colored scarf as i strolled down the busy streets of Boston.

i had 4 main goals on this journey. to make it to my destination without

1. the desk toppling over


2. being hit by oncoming traffic


3. throwing my back out


4. destroying the stairwell of my new residence (remember, no elevator)

id like to report that the trip was a success!

although it was a bit challenging to get the desk up the stairs at first. i was trying to continue using the dolly.

after all, i brought the thing 2 miles on the subway specifically for this job. so i wanted to make sure i got good use out of it.

at some point it became apparent that this was going to be hell.

i pulled the desk-loaded dolly up several stairs and found that there was no way to round the corner. there simply wasnt enough room.

after a few minutes of trying to wrap my brain around the idea that this wasnt working, it occurred to me that the problem was the dolly. the wheels were just big enough to make the contraption useless in my stairwell.

i would just have to find another way.

i untied the scarf, and manuevering the desk off of the dolly and onto its top, i slid it up the rest of the stairs.

hooray! it worked!!!

im a genius.

the trolly, the dolly and the broken elevator

somehow i always end up being the weird girl doing strange things in the city which people see and go home to tell their families about over dinner.

i borrowed a dolly (you know, a gadget for moving refrigerators and heavy boxes) from work today so i could move my "new" desk from LOMs over to my place.

imagine me, in the middle of the city dragging a big black dolly through the shopping center of our fine city.

i carried the fcker down the stairs into the subway, up and down the gigantic steps of the trolly itself. at my stop, i carried the dolly up out of the subway and wheeled the damn thing to LOMs.

i get inside the building and find the elevator busted. so, i had to tote the damn dolly up 5 flights of stairs!

there was no point in trying to navigate down 5 flights of stairs with a desk packed dolly. it would have been easier just to carry the desk.

so, i left the dolly at LOMs and went home to rest before returning for dinner.

LOM served mac and cheese for dinner. yum. actually, i think its the first time ive had mac and cheese in a few years. seriously.

LOM said the desk and dolly can stay until the elevator works again... which will likely be tomorrow or wednesday. i dont think the elevator has ever gone more than 24 hours without working.

so, perhaps tomorrow i shall have my "new" desk. i sooo look forward to carrying it up 3 flights of stairs into my new place, and then filling the drawers with pens and note pads and thumb tacks! yay!

carnival glasses

i seem to be rather emotional right now. im not accustomed to this whole emotional scene.

mostly im okay. but there seem to be these sudden outbursts of tears.

its really unsettling, especially for me. haha.

fortunately, ive been able to mostly prevent myself from crying in public. although the occassional tear slips out.

i consider it to be extremely embarassing to cry in front of strangers. and even more embarassing to cry in front of friends or family... unless everyone is crying, then its okay.

but my biggest fear is someone (esp a stranger) noticing and then asking me what is wrong.

of course, what i most need is someone (preferably a friend or family) to notice and ask me what is wrong. even if id just deny everything.

anyway, im not good with being vulnerable. only alone, in my room, with a pen and paper handy. otherwise, i have this hard exterior shell that i use to protect my mushy insides from predators and mean girls.

right now i kind of feel like im gonna have to find a new group of friends.

not because mine suck. they dont.

actually, its because they are so wonderful, and they are all trying so hard to welcome LOMs new girl that it hurts my feelers.

stupid feelers.

and even when it has nothing to do with the new girl my feelers are tender and hurt.

like, when i kept trying to tell this story about the bizarro cartoon on last night, and people were so easily distracted to listen to some other total stranger talking about something else.

i stopped talking. no one noticed.

then later i was trying to tell a story about something else that was way funnier (but which ive just forgotten the topic of) and again after i started telling it people were distracted and started talking about something else.

again, i stopped talking. again, no one noticed.

maybe what people were talking about the second time was how new girl should go with them on a trip. and how maybe, if she were lucky, they'd let LOM go too. i was the only other person at the table at that moment, and no one was engaging with me at all. i was completely invisible. it was the weirdest thing. its like i could feel myself become transparent. when i noticed my own transparency, i got up and left. i said goodbye to LOM and the lovely hostesses and other than them, no one noticed i was gone.

i know im seeing with funny carnival glasses right now. and i know that im extra sensitive. but that doesnt make it less painful... in fact, thats exactly why it hurts. ha!

enough. ive got to wipe my tears and move stuff out of the living room and into my room before my scary roommate or her equally scary boyfriend hacks me into pieces for having my stuff out there too long. im sure it would make a good entry if i felt like talking about it.

denial

i depended on your "helplessness" and fragility to maintain my identity as strong, nurturing and capable.

in truth, i am fragile and hurt. i have emotions that dont fit with this image of myself as strength and peace.

i let you choose which emotions i could display, which emotions you were most comfortable seeing.

i needed to see you as kind and loving and selfless in order to believe you werent cruel and selfish.

my horoscope for today said that sometimes i can be such an optimist that i am in denial.

blind

omg.

this evening DP listened to me talk for at least an hour. and then he did something no one else has been able to do for 4 years.

he articulated back to me everything i was thinking and feeling, and then asked me:

"do you see what is going on here?"

"what do you mean?" i asked.

"you are making excuses for her. you have been taken advantage of and manipulated. "

i didnt know what to say, so i said nothing while he continued...

"she gave you just enough to get you to do what she wanted and then sat back while you did the rest. she did this in bed, with the condo, with everything you've talked about tonight."

thats when the buts started... "but its my fault...", "but i should have...", "but i knew...".

"listen to yourself," he said. "nothing you did makes it okay for her to have done any of that to you."

"no, it doesnt."

"she knows what will hurt you, and she is taking every opportunity to do so. then she's telling you that you are imagining it."

after we hung up, i sat in silence for a while.

if this is true... if what DP says is true... not only does it mean that she is not who i thought she was, but it also means im not who i thought i was.

because i thought she was kind, giving, secure, generous, caring, loving, and trustworthy. i thought she was my best friend.

because i thought i loved myself.

i thought i was strong and had called her on much of the manipulation i saw.
i thought i resisted the manipulation.
i thought everyone would think i had taken advantage of her generousity.
i thought everyone would think i was bad mouthing her.
i thought it was all my fault and that if i just gave her more, she would forgive me.

omg. if he is right... then i have completely given up everything that was mine.

how did i not see this? how did i not see any of this? how did it all escape me unnoticed?

everyone kept asking me...

"you gave her everything?"

and i proudly replied "it was the right thing to do. and she was very kind and gave me a little money - so its not like i didnt get anything."

"how much money?" they asked.

and when i told them how much, there was silence and then "albygocougs, thats not very much."

and i would say, "oh, its plenty, i'll be okay. im going to continue living there and just pay the condo fee. so, it will all work out in the long run."

that was after i painted the place. before i was given 30 days to find a new home. before i was told that i wouldnt be taking the cat. before i stupidly and self-lessly gave up the furniture.

DP actually said "i hate to call you naive, but..."

when i look at the big picture, the 3 years leading up to this, and how every time i tried to talk about my needs she'd start crying and saying how horrible she was, and i would become the supportive and loving girlfriend - "no, no, thats not true. you're wonderful and i love you and you're so good to me."

sometimes i would offer that support but also tell her that i would not allow this emotional manipulation. but often it required me first coaxing her to stop crying and telling her how amazing and wonderful she was... then, maybe, just maybe we might get to talk about my needs. the whole reason i brought up the conversation.

eventually i just stopped bringing up the fact that i had needs. in fact, i chose to believe that my needs were inconsequential and that they werent actually needs at all... rather that they were unnecessary wants that were getting in the way of having a good relationship.

i was determined not to let my silly little needs stop this healthy and beautiful expression of love that we had. together, the perfect couple, we would beat the odds and be everything other couples aspired to be.

i was not honest with my friends. i would give them little glimpses of what was going on in the relationship, but i didnt want to sound like i was ungreatful or complaining.

i was not honest with my self. i saw a kind and beautiful woman who loved me and would promise me forever... even if it was a forever without physical satisfaction, spiritual connection, or true intimate sharing of dreams and goals.

i believed i could live without the physical. after all, we are all spirit in human form. the physical is merely a desire, not a necessity, right?

i believed i could find spiritual connection outside of our relationship and find emotional connection within spiritual connection.

ultimately, i decided that the physical, emotional and spiritual were crucial to my mental and physical health. when she cried, i felt guilty. i felt that these desires were somehow invalid and i that i was cruel for leaving her.

i told her i couldnt afford to keep our home alone, but that id rather her have it than let it go completely.

we decided we would remain best friends. we would continue to care for each other and be family.

she said i could stay as long as i didnt have sex with anyone. i agreed, not realizing how impossible this would be for me.

i craved companionship. i craved affection. i craved someone who could see the beauty within me. when CB learned that i gave her everything and kept nothing for myself, he lost all respect for me - it was evident in how our relationship changed.

CB saw my selflessness as the warning sign that i was willing to give everything in the world to someone who was willing to take it all without a second thought. he tried to tell me what she was doing but i was completely blind to it.

My mom, my aunt, my younger friends... everyone saw it. they all inquired, lightly, not wanting to rock the boat. and to all of them i made excuses why it was okay. they saw that i was a fool, and didn't push it further.

now i sit here thinking.

mystified.

blown away.

still asking myself "but, how could this be?" "how did i not see this?"

i trusted her. i trusted her more than i trusted any other person in my life. and i was completely manipulated, deceived and taken.

how could this be?

how did i not see this?

minimization

im so fckg angry right now. that kind of angry that makes you cry. and anyone who knows me, knows im not a crier.

on one hand, its a nice change of pace. im usually so calm and collected, happy and peaceful. guess there's always a little room for some healthy anger.

im mostly angry at myself. i mean, who else is there to be angry with? i create my own reality and my own experiences. i make my own choices.

but i know that what i have to say will sound like im angry with someone other than myself. but i swear. its me. im angry with me for not doing a better job of self-care.

* * *

you're not sorry for not asking me to go. in fact, you asked me to watch the cat so you could go. obviously, it never occurred to you to ask me to go. although you may be my best friend, im not yours.

(gee, i sure love feeling like im in middle school.)

you think of me as your ex-gf. thats how you see me, thats how it is, and thats that. i was never your best friend, and will never be your best friend and this is merely a lesson for me about attachment.

im familiar with this process.

it just pisses me off that i love my friends so much. and that i am so fckg unconditionally loving, giving and supportive.

its great in theory. this loving others, loving the world, gushing love and peace thing. but sometimes it fckg feels like someone ripped my heart out and inserted a big block of salt. and maybe some battery acid for good measure (i dont actually know a whole lot about battery acid, but my assumption is that it would burn and hurt really really bad).

im such an asshole for thinking we could still be friends. and im a complete asshole for being too fcking nice...... and that includes being too fcking nice to you......

i supported you when you were down and lonely and worried no one would like you for who you are......

i wanted you to be happy and helped you keep and paint the condo, gave up the furniture, allowed you to keep the cat b/c she is your first ever pet and you said you would be so heartbroken to lose her......

essentially i gave up everything i helped create and kept nothing for myself except my clothing, books and art, in part because i wanted to minimize your pain.....

and now, looking back, i must have known that i would become nothing and no-one to you. everything i surrendered was just part of a subconscious effort to say "dont abandon me when this is done", an embarassingly pitiful effort to keep what i thought was my best friend.

but apparently i have no value to you any longer. i am no longer paying half the mortgage, feeding the cat, or preventing you from loneliness.

oh wait, except when you go on vacation with your new friends... then i feed the cat. and you even offer to pay me. how thoughtful.

ive merely become what we have always referred to as the "back-up" friend. the first person you call when you need someone to watch the cat, but the last person you call to hangout, unless there is absolutely nothing better to do and no one else available to spend time with.

i hope you dont try to make this about you having a new girlfriend. b/c thats not at all where im coming from. i like your new girl. she's cute and funny and seems like an awesome match for you. you seem happy, and that is all i wanted for you. but foolishly, i envisioned i might still be part of your life.

stupid me.

foundation

i feel like ive lost my foundation

its a new thought and im just now processing it

when we lived together i had a foundation

now, i do not

so, im not sure if it was the condo, or you, or meowhead or what exactly

maybe everything

but i had stability
and knew who i was
and what i wanted
and where i was going

and now i no longer feel that way

in some ways i still know

like, i know my life purpose is coaching and painting and writing

so, that is the same

but its not my foundation

those things are like clouds that are floating in the sky and that i reach up to and can touch and pull down when i want to use them

like books on a shelf

but, me
im floating

there is nothing grounding me

my foundation
its gone

i think a foundation is lots of things all at once

like the foundation of a house
its not just made of one thing

there is dirt and rock and earth that support the foundation

then there are metal bars entwined and embedded inside the concrete, and beams jutting out to provide structure

when you have a foundation you know that you are safe because even if there were an earthquake or flood or tornado your foundation would still be there. it would hold together. and that makes all of the possible storms and disasters just little obstacles that will pass.

when you dont have a foundation its like you are that cartoon person in the cold commercials where your head is a balloon and it floats above your body.

a lot of people have families that act as their foundation. people they know will always be there and they can go back to them whenever they need to.

some people dont have this.

like me.

i mean, i have family. i was created and birthed and mostly raised.

but largely ive grown up on my own. not relying on other people so much because other people generally cant be counted on.

this means im in charge of my own foundation. but the problem is, that as i try to create my own foundation or "family," sometimes the people i choose are either forced or choose to leave my life.

its hard to have a foundation if the parts of the foundation are constantly leaving.

i mean, if your concrete's girlfriend says he isn't allowed to talk to you ever again, how can he still be your concrete? he can't. thus you have no concrete and your house falls apart at the slightest sign of wind or rain.

and if it turns out your new concrete hates you b/c you dont want to marry her/him, well, then s/he up and walks off too... leaving you once again without concrete.

and sometimes concrete doesnt want to become rebar or pillars... sometimes it wants to remain concrete. so when you ask it if it would mind becoming rebar instead, it gets pissed and decides to extricate itself from your foundation.

in this world we are so transitory and so lacking in ability to commit to meaningful friendships and build "alternative families" that it becomes impossible for people like me to build a foundation.

its sad too b/c i often am willing to be the concrete or rebar in other people's foundation. but sometimes they think they only need one kind of material for their foundation and that the other material will be jealous.

but i want to live in a beautiful city with lots of condos and where my friends and i can all be part of each others foundations. sure we might move or add-on to our place. everyone needs more enforcement as they go along. but if we're all quality materials, we could support each other forever... allowing each other to change and grow.

i think its a beautiful model.

another failed attempt at analogies

ME (10:33:25 PM): what else are you doing besides perfecting your haiku writing?

DB (10:34:01 PM): making fun of girls at bc, and how they're ugly

DB (10:34:07 PM): being really critical of people

DB (10:34:33 PM): but not to their face, because that's mean

ME (10:34:36 PM): sounds like you need to get in touch w/ your inner self

ME (10:34:38 PM): hehe

DB (10:34:49 PM): i don't mean ugly as in like looks ugly, even though i don't find them attractive anyway

ME (10:34:58 PM): ah

DB (10:35:38 PM): but my physical attraction meter really depends on how cool i think the person is

DB(10:35:50 PM): unless they're obviously a babe

ME (10:36:10 PM): lol

ME (10:36:12 PM): mhm

ME (10:36:28 PM): sometimes physical attractiveness overrides the rest

ME (10:36:33 PM): cant be helped

DB (10:36:40 PM): yep

ME (10:36:47 PM): its prob how peacocks end up mating

ME (10:36:54 PM): um... nevermind

DB(10:36:55 PM): jeezum

nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue

the only thing i can think of to say, is how i wish the US dollar was still worth something b/c as it stands, we cant even afford to leave the country. we're trapped. and yes, its technically only 4 more years... but think of the long-lasting damage this fuckjob has done and will continue to do.

now the dem party is talking about returning to more religious and conservative values b/c the dem party is "clearly out of touch with what americans want." well, some might also say that the abolition of slavery and giving the right to vote to women were not supported by the majority of americans... but it was the right thing to do. and the dem party is hardly a model of radical liberalism as it is.

what prob screwed it all up was the whole gay marriage thing and stupid-fucking-asshole curt schilling. people are stupid. thank god GW is gonna put a halt to homosexual love and women having choice about their own bodies. if we're lucky we might even live to see the next decade, assuming we're not all blown to bits in WWIII.

somebody please wake me from this nightmare.