my life, a sci-fi comedy

apparently it is quite common to dream about school... even if you've been out of school for several years or decades.

i was in school this morning, only it was also a sci-fi comedy with a west coast interstate highway near a mall a waterslide at a club/bar that came out near the showers at the space station.

at school, i climbed up and down stairs trying to find my classroom, talked to friends and classmates and ultimately made it to class. class was one of two things. either english class where i was behind and for some reason consistently forgot my overdue paper at home, or science class where everyone sat at their desk with beaker and tweezers fiddling with something or other and waiting for our teacher, Howard Stern, to arrive.

after class LOM and i went to some version of Taco Bell, presumably to get food, although i never saw said food. under the gloomy sky my mom waited for us in the car as we walked along the dock which jetted out into the sea. i was trying to figure out how i could go on LOMs family vacation without flunking out of school. could i bring my homework with me? could i do it ahead of time? how bout when i returned?

change scenes. the sun is bright and the sky is a white-blue. LOM and i are in a car on the interstate driving in circles trying to head in a particular direction toward a particular destination. we passed an elementary school to our right and decided to stop. once there we talked to the blond teacher and might have even seen a child or two inside classrooms.

the woman brings us over to a something between an empty concrete lined grave, a well, and the front entrance to a basement unit of a South End brownstone. the water meets the steps in this grave/well and is a portal to the mall and space station. LOM enters first and I follow.

we arrive at the mall / space station and exit the water slide dry, but needing to shower. i climb the stairs out of the grave/well and enter the glass doors to my left. i am in the space station. it looks suspiciously like a cross between a school, hair salon, locker room, and airport terminal. i walk through another set of glass doors and down a cooridoor to the shower stalls.

the bathroom and shower stalls are only partially private, which makes it both anxiety producing and interesting to use them. i wash my hair and body, watching for potential onlookers as i go. fortunately most folks are too busy doing the same to pay any attention to me.

i head back to my room to change, emerging a short time later to seek out my best friend, guy X, with a room not too far down the hall.

it had been some time that X was unconscious due to some kind of accident. he had finally woke up on this very morning and was still in bed when i arrived. like any good friend at your local space station, i helped him to the showers and when he was done, helped him to his room to dress.

next it was off to the gym where we goofed around, making jokes and pretending X was unconscious. there was a rotating floor we would stand on to get through a doorway and then we'd do it again and again because it was fun and funny, albeit only to us. but we had a good time in our space station, and thats all one could really ask.

fly berry birdee bird

I hate to do this...

I really really hate to do this...

But I think I must quit my job and very very soon. Very soon, I must.

LOM will take over the condo and payment. I will quit my office job and soley be an artist and life coach so that my wee little heart can be free as a birdee.

Does this require leaving Boston? I can hardly imagine such a thing. All I know is there is stirring amongst my bones that says it is insane to keep shoving my heart shaped heart into a rectangular shaped hole. It simply won't fit... simply because it doesn't. Nothing can be done to change that, except cutting my heart shaped heart into a rectangular shaped heart. But that is messy, and requires a berry big loss of parts of me that matter.

I am opportunity

I am love

I am abundance

I am life

"Leap and the net will appear" - Zen saying

i am leaping into the unknown and will fly like the butterfly moon goddess i am... dear god, help us all!

the have more's

big day today.

SW and i went to the special screening of Farenheit 9/11. im a bit shaken up.

michael moore gave a speech beforehand, which received multiple standing ovations. he has such a great way w/ words.

it can be very frustrating and challenging to learn the truth... even when you already know some of it and know that the things you don't know are even worse.

i remember thinking, when bush was taking office, "why isnt anyone doing anything???" it didnt feel like anyone was protesting or concerned or anything. it seemed like everyone just went along with the decision. but this film showed footage of thousands of people protesting in DC, egging bush's limo.

plus they also showed floridians who were trying to stop bush and only needed one signature from a single senator in florida... but all the senators were conveniently "missing".

oh, and it seems that bush happens to have oil related financial ties to the bin laden family, the new presidents of afganistan and iraq, the bad guys of enron, and pre-2000 cheney and ashcroft.

haunted

i keep seeing this woman, probably in her 50s, wandering the streets in a silky black bathrobe and red slippers.

i see her across the street from my place, on newbury street, further down on boylston street. i think ive even seen her in downtown crossing.

who is this woman and why does she only wear a silky black bathrobe?

she seems rather haunted and very out of it. it concerns me. its not safe to wander the streets in nothing but a bathrobe and slippers.

democracy

Britain is quite an interesting place.

did you know that British public television does not have fundraising marathons?

its true. do you know why?

everyone pays for public television. the cost to fund it: 35 pence per day.

i think that is one of the most brilliant concepts ever! the cost is just part of your taxes.

imagine what could happen if the US funded public television in this same way! no more telethons (at least not interrupting our public television programming to raise money to bring us said programming). public television would have far more money and more folks would tune in because, hey, they paid for it.

but we would never do something so brilliant as this... socialism is just not Right.

my diamond

Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it.
Anais Nin

its me birthday

happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeee!

i woke up super early. i searched online for schools because at 5am i really wanted to get a masters in history or art or art history. i went back to bed at 7am and woke for the day around 10am. i dont know how i manage to wake up at all im so dog tired every morning. i spent most of the day eating tofutti cuties and goofing off online. a little of it shopping for LOMs late birthday gift - which i found at a great price! then LOM came home and took me out to Aquitaine for a scrumdiddlyumptious dinner and dessert. YAY for LOM being the best ever! Thank you snoop dog :)

i checked my messages tonight and my mommy called me and my sister emailed me. i called my mommy back and we confirmed my plans to visit in august and she said i can stay with her, which is truly remarkable!

mom: "so are you coming here august 3rd and are you staying with me?"

me: "uh, yes august and yes id like to stay there. do you have room?"

mom: "well K is staying in Cs room, but i told him you were visiting and he'd have to find somewhere else to stay while you're here. you're the priority."

wow. she actually said "you're the priority." YAY! im the priority :) my mommy loves me and that makes me happy.

i also asked if i can shadow her at work while im visiting and she seemed perplexed but said i could if i wanted to.

mom: "i dont think it will be like you think it is. it isnt very fun. why do you want to learn?"

me: "why do i want to learn to tape drywall?"

mom: "yeah. it doesnt seem like your kind of thing."

me: "i think its a valuable skill."

mom: "you do?"

me: "yeah, don't you?"

mom: "yeah, i do."

me: "i've actually been spackling my walls and repairing them. the person who fixed them last used drywall tape and its coming off..."

she seemed impressed and also noted the potential artistic uses of mud. maybe she and i can buy some canvases and make something together. personally, im slightly amused at how much of a girlie-girl she takes me for. she really has no clue how butch i am, lol. anyway, im excited to learn a new skill and to spend some quality time with my mom.

the dry runs

we watched the cable tonight. it has been very very long since i just flipped channels without a particular destination in mind. this was made all the more clear by the shows playing.

did you know that john mcenroe has his own talk show? this was news to me. the guy is not a good tv personality. even i could do a better show than him.

observation: it seems that both liberals and conservatives can agree that yes, martha lied and it was wrong, but this witch hunt has been taken too far.

id never heard of scarborough country before, but i think i like the show. tonights topic was terrorist "dry runs" on US airplanes. i found this particularly stricking and i'll tell you why.

the story:
passengers and flight crew experienced a bit of a scare on a flight between detroit and LA when 14 serian men behaved "oddly" during the flight and landing.

the show interviewed two passengers from the flight as well as several security and terrorism experts from various agencies.

the passengers saw the men rise and congregate throughout the flight. and apparently the men rose in sync during landing while the "remain seated" sign was lit. (no, they did not break out in dance and song)

security and terrorism experts showed restraint in categorizing the unusual activity of the men as "terrorist" or not. but they did say they do believe terrorists are routinely conducting "dry runs" in america.

what do i think about this?

funny you should ask.

believe it or not, i had a similar experience on our return flight from london:
pre-boarding, before even seeing any other passengers at the gate, i experienced an intuitive hit that something was amis. note that i rarely experience discomfort about flying since i fly long distances quite frequently. plus im a fairly laid back person, optimistic and at ease - even in chaos and emergency situations.

amongst me i noticed frat boys, babies, teenagers, poorly- and well-dressed, and english-accented, and several middle eastern "looking" men aboard our flight. being sensitive to stereotyping and my role in perpetuating stereotypes, i made a note of my initial reactions to the people around me and then made an effort to move on and enjoy my goodie-bag, provided courtesy of our wonderful airline.

once we were in the air and able to move about the cabin, there were a noticible number of people up and about. already uneasy from my pre-flight intuition, i felt the need to look around. it seemed odd to me that people were up when the flight had only begun. on our flight to london there had been so few people out of their seats at the start of the flight. why so many today?

my next observation was that most of the folks out of their seats appeared to be middle eastern and in some instances they were just standing there, not bathroom bound. this made me extremely uncomfortable. i really wanted everyone to just sit down. i wondered if anyone else felt so uneasy or if i was merely over-reacting due to my intense exposure to our culture's anti-middle east and 9-11 propaganda.

id also like to note, again, my conscious concern about stereotyping - i have a degree in gender studies and another in cultural studies. i recognize my conditioning and bias. i know that no matter how much unlearning i do, there is still a lot of garbage in my head that peaks out, unwanted

with this in mind, i cant help but wonder... what was this?

was this a "dry run"? was it paranoia? after seeing this show and hearing about dozens of other flights with similar activity - activity that i have never experienced on any flight other pre- or post- 9/11 flight besides this one, i am overwhelmingly compelled to say it was a "dry run".

but im also compelled to ask the question: gee, maybe if we keep seeing groups of middle eastern folks traveling together and standing up in-flight to chat, congregate, etc. (even if the rising is syncronistic in the midst of landing...) maybe its a cultural thing. maybe this is "normal middle eastern in-flight behavior". what the hell do we know? its possible.

the fact remains, we are so filled with hateful propaganda i cant even begin to make any conclusions about this experience or topic. it only raises more and makes me wonder what the hell is going on around here?!?! what is reality and what is fiction created by our government/media?

zombies

i kept walking to the mall or taking the bus there. then i walked through it, passing through one store and out the other side to get to another part of the mall. sometimes i would look at prices or try things on, but never buying.

i was hanging out with a few women, and apparently liked one of them who liked me back. then we moved from one table to another and one of my friends was forty, but she really didn't even look like she might be thirty.

i was swinging on the swings inside the mall and my friend was on the other one. a cute boy passed by and i think i might have smiled at him.

then someone told me i had to confess to a friend. and i was half naked and trying to run from store to store, exposed, but wanting not to be seen or in trouble for shoplifting. then i asked this woman to find her and bring her to me and she did, and then i was clothed. so many customers wanted my attention now and i helped one but just started to tell all the others to ask someone else because it was too important to talk to her and she was going to leave if i didnt tell her.

i cried and told her how sorry i was and gave her a small bag of her own jewelry that he had given me, and another small bag of jewelry that he had bought just for me. i hugged her and begged her forgiveness. she was not mad at me. she read my journal with his letters to me and my thoughts about how i felt for him. she was very angry with him and she left.

i was walking through the mall and the "security guard" came out of the shop window and told me to come with him but then i knew he wasn't a security guard and i shouldnt go. i ran away but he followed. i ran through all these different stores, circling back and trying to lose him but he followed easily. then i was a white rabbit jumping and hopping along, hoping to lose him. i went across the street and passed a clown with a big bunch of balloons who wanted me to stay but i would be caught by the zombies if i didnt run.

so i ran.

what a character

my character is very important to me. i really take pride in who i am and that i am a responsible, respectful, mature, sane, and appropriatly behaving adult.

mostly i make good decisions. but sometimes i make bad decisions. we all do, right?

one thing i appreciate about my friends is their willingness to be direct and honest with me. It feels much better when someone is direct and honest rather than when someone actually encourages you to behave in a way they later tell others is innappropriate.

What I learned from this...

Some people tell you something is a good idea when they actually don’t think it is. Other people tell you what they really think. The people who tell you what they really think even if they know you want to hear something different are the people who actually care about you. These are the people who believe in your good character and are also models of good character.

thank you miss character.

under pressure

believe it or not, i have learned an incredible amount just by slicing open my thumb. i think it might be healed already.

the first thing i did upon feeling the shooting pain in my thumb that indicated i had butchered it with a nice sharp broken piece of metal was sigh "shit" in a defeated tone.

next i briefly looked at it to assess the damage. seeing that it was an angled slice, yet deep enough that it didnt kill like a papercut, i grabbed a cotton ball and opted to apply pressure in the hopes of avoiding the throbbing pain i knew would come.

fortunately i had already dressed for the day, but that didnt stop me from wondering how exactly i could make it through life without my left thumb.

i continued to apply pressure, harder and harder until the pain of the pressure was greater than the pain of the cut. fortunately my next stop was the condo where i knew i could find neosporin and bandages.

at the condo, i dressed my wound appropriately and went about my afternoon. i redressed an hour or two later. and then redressed again a few more hours later. at bed time, i undressed the wound so it could have some fresh air.

when i woke this morning, to my surprise, the cut has nearly healed. its like the skin just repaired itself... its a bit wild. im convinced it was the pressure.

the zen of amy

the closer you are to the ground, the louder sounds are in your ear... especially when you are sleeping.

when the water is gone, you must become the water.

locks on the window that allow the window to open half way will only prevent gigantic thieves.

two pizzas in the hand are worth many meals in the bush.

the organ music stops by 11pm.

and girls, they wanna have fun.

london crosswalks

believe it or not, one of the most intense and stressful experiences while in london was trying to cross the street. not only is the traffic traveling on opposite sides requiring very different patterns of looking left and right, but traffic lights and crosswalks work a teensy bit differently than the US.

there are still three lights for the traffic (red, yellow and green), and still two signals for pedestrians (red hand and green walking person).
BUT the traffic light changes from
STOP to GET READY to GO to HURRY UP to STOP,
rather than STOP to GO to HURRY UP to STOP.
at the same time, the crossing signal is a red hand, a green walking person, or a flashing green walking person.

get it?

let me illustrate further...

the traffic light is STOP and crosswalk signal is a solid green WALKing person. pedestrians now have about 10 seconds to jet quickly across four lanes of traffic. if you pause to figure out which way to look before crossing, forget it, you've run out of time and now you have a flashing green walking person indicating RUN if you are still in the midst of crossing, or if you're on the sidewalk, DON'T YOU DARE START CROSSING. simultaneously the traffic signal has changed from STOP to ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET... letting drivers know they can begin edging forward and prepare to take off full speed ahead. at this point, you should already be on the opposite sidewalk. if you missed the chance to cross you definately must wait for the next light. now, the moment the crosswalk signal becomes the red hand indicating DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT the traffic light immediately changes to GO!. if you are still crossing at this time you will be run down.

two thoughts on this system...

1. British people are clearly assumed and encouraged to be quick thinking and somewhat intelligent in order to survive - i like this.

if you are stupid, you will die. its easy, its simple, its Darwin. in America, our government encourages us to be dimwitted and slow (mentally and physically). crossing the street in the US requires little more than color recognition. and even that is questionable since we are accustomed to wandering into the street at our leisure. in fact, we've made crossing the street little more than a fun game of cat and mouse where pedestrians sadistically taunt drivers by strolling across the street, stopping traffic, and even begging for change. crossing the street in the US requires little thought or intelligence, and very little sense of urgency.


2. the UK means serious business. crossing the street is no joke. there is no BSing here - i find this refreshing.
   in the US our crosswalks give pedestrians ample time for a liesurely stroll across the street. you can begin crossing any time during the flashing red hand and there is often a thoughtful warning countdown letting you know you have 10...9...8...7 seconds before the light changes. the traffic light even allows you a couple extra seconds to finish crossing after the red hand becomes solid and before the traffic light changes to green. we are ignorant, slothly, spoiled rotten little prissy-pants Americans with no sense of consequences. if you need evidence, i give you George W. Bush.