Against Myself

I'm struggling.

I went to the doctor last year because the circulation in my fingers got wonky. I figured they'd tell me to wear gloves and keep warm. I didn't think it was anything big or important or whatever. Then all these blood tests were ordered and there was all this hoopla from my doctor about collagen vascular diseases. In fact, he eve made a diagnosis of Lupus right there. Of course, he called me later that day to say he isn't really familiar with Lupus and talked to a Rhuematologist who suggested more testing needed to be done before a diagnosis could be made.

More testing was done and I was told I don't have Lupus right this moment, but there is a chance I'll develop it. My achy hips, knees and wrists were chalked up to my overactive imagination. My fatigue and headaches were ignored and not even written down in the doctor's notes. The rash across my knuckles (something I've never ever had or even seen before!) was attributed to too frequent hand washing (although I wash my hands only about 4 times a day).

And although I just came in one day casually asking about my fingers - is this normal? - I left the two month experience of blood tests and scary diagnoses from this doctor feeling like I'd been the one who came in asking if I had Lupus when really I'd just had the sniffles or something.

I decided that this rural doctor wasn't taking me seriously and since he'd admitted he had no experience with these kinds of diseases (autoimmune diseases) I decided to wait until I got to NYC and find a doctor that knew what they were doing.

(FYI - an autoimmune disease happens when a person's immune system gets confused about which cells belong to itself and which cells are outside viruses and bacteria, and starts attacking it's own cells.)

After arriving in NYC I started experiencing a bunch of strange health-related things. I went to a local clinic and the doctor there really seems to listen and take me seriously. That is a huge relief.

I'm gathering up medical records as far back as I can to help my doctors try to figure out what's going on with me. And I'm trying to get health insurance so I can get more tests done. This part is exhausting. The damn person who can answer my questions about filling out the insurance paperwork hasn't returned my four calls over the last two weeks and the clock is ticking. The longer it takes me to turn in the paperwork, the longer it will be before I can get medical care. And with many illnesses, time can often be a huge factor in prevention major damage.

I've been reading up on autoimmune diseases and there are only a couple that really match what I'm experiencing. The rest do not. But it's scary. If I do have (or develop) one of these diseases it is necessary that they find it now.

It's hard for me to ask for help. I'm extremely self-reliant, independent, and (a bit embarassed to say) proud. I don't want anybody to think I'm weak or helpless or needy. And I certainly do not want to be treated that way. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. And I don't want anyone to think I'm just trying to get attention. This is not the kind of attention I seek (when I do seek attention).

Even though I know that having an illness isn't something to be embarassed about I actually feel a lot of embarassment around it. Especially right now when it's unclear exactly what the illness might be. And what if the doctors say there really is nothing wrong - then what does that mean about all these symptoms I'm experiencing? What the hell is causing them?

I'm torn between wanting to find out what is wrong, and just declaring that I'm okay. Such a declaration feels like denial, and sounds like something that will end up making me sicker. Trying to find out what is wrong feels like I'm a big cry baby who is taking things too seriously.

Emotionally, every option feels crappy because I'm scared.

get 'er done

The ups and downs of a chronic illness make me motion sick.

It's really when I experience too much stress or too much activity that my immune system's knees buckle and without the fort secured I end up getting invaded (ie sick). And when there is an invasion in my body, it's not just a neighboring country - it's a full on universal effort - every country and neighboring planet wants a crack at it. No cute little tummy ache or sniffles for me.

No, my body gets hijacked by viruses, bacteria, and what can look like downright poor upkeep with the seriousness of an accountant, and the determination of an IRS auditor.

We're talking simulataneous multiple illnesses, all impacting different systems.

We're talking "stump the doctors" with how many different unrelated things are happening as they try to find an underlying connection or cause.

You'd think the invaders were planning their stradegies together for decades - Shock and Awe - that's how quick, skilled and successful they can be.

My body is the ultimate multi-tasker. True story. As walls across the vast fortress that is my body crumble and invaders file in and get settled, somehow my body still manages to launch multiple counter attacks all over the place, taking down each illness.

It takes a bit longer to heal from multiple illnesses when you're stressed out and have a chronic condition (especially when the particular illness doesn't seem to have a source/reason/cause and therefore medication determinations becomes a guessing game). Anyway, the job still gets done (until one day, it doesn't).

All Eyes

There are many things to like about Brooklyn. The food, the people, the proximity to everything one needs to be near, the friends, the stoop sales, the thunder and lightening storms, the culture, the rampant availability of the ice cream truck during all four seasons, and of course the comedic bickering and banter one hears just about everywhere.

But one thing I love about Brooklyn that I never expected was how often I hear "Miss, you have beautiful eyes, God bless you." No kidding. People literally insert this phrase into the middle of conversations with other people as they are passing by.

The reason this compliment is worth mentioning is because I was a bit worried when I moved here about getting too much attention... specifically, attention aimed at my chest - which was a constant theme while living in Boston regardless of what kind of shirt I was wearing.

Having the attention focused on my eyes makes me feel like I'm somehow less objectified (eyes are the window to the soul), like I'm somehow in a more wholesome environment - more wholesome than a puritanical bedrock? Um, yeah.

Anyway, I do have beautiful eyes. Thank you for noticing.

somewhere

I love that I'm somewhere, instead of everywhere. Although it may seem by the following list that I'm still everywhere and not just somewhere. The key difference is that the everywhere I am currently is more contained so that it can rightly be called a somewhere rather than an everywhere.

August has been flitting by at full speed, and I've been lucky enough to be able to relax a bit in addition to tackling the daily and weekly To Do lists that come with moving to a new city.

Here's a run down of my month.

Dinner in Brooklyn's Chinatown
Trader Joe's in Manhattan is mobbed!
Subway riding
Listing our Yaris for sale
Budgeting
Searching for the perfect coffee shop
Reading
Fudgcicles and Ice Cream Sandwiches
Apartment hunting
Tuesday Trivia Night at Black & White in Manhattan
Investigating the local food co-op
Amazing Indian food at Bombay Grill
Moving the car twice a week for street cleaning
Chess
Nail polish and polishing my nails for the first time in 2 years
Laundry
Stoop sales (rather than yards or garages)
Hanging out with local friends
A trip to the beach
East Village
Little Italy
Thai lunch special
Securing space in a ceramics studio
Learning to use my sewing machine

I think I have a buyer for the car, and it's possible we won't have to find an apartment (the person we're subletting from may not be returning in October as previously thought). I've been extremely fortunate enough to become an assistant in a ceramics studio for 6 hours per week where I'll learn glaze mixing and other such important skills. In exchange, I can use the facilities (space, clay and glazes) for my own personal work.

I think that pretty much catches you up, although there are a few details missing that would make for lively stories. If I ever think of them again, I'll be sure to share.

Sunday Scrabble

Wiper
Tax
It
Ex
Park
Keg
Groan
in
Ovals
Fat
Ta
Labile
Valet
Visit
Wagons
Judged
Wept
Ped
Booth
Beet
Buck
Yack
Zen
Ye
An
Cay
Herald
Hauls
Rims
Nudes
Sin
Fond
Tango
Moor
Am
No
Go
Nor

Arrival

So we've arrived. We are officially resident's of New York - even if New York isn't aware of this.

We have a few things to take care of before we can switch over our drivers licenses... such as obtaining mail with our current address on it, and finding the local DMV. All in good time.

And since we're on the topic of driving... we have to sell our car because our insurance nearly tripled. Ouch! We had definitely not budgeted for such a steep increase.

Our temporary apartment for two months is near chinatown in Brooklyn, and our roommate is possibly the least offensive person ever. I could not be happier.

Our room is a soft minty green and actually goes well with our orange bedding from back in Boston when we had a vibrant blue room. Our room also came with a dresser, futon bed, a chair, a couple lamps on little tables, and an air conditioner. It was a relief to not have to worry about moving/buying furniture. We can tackle that when we get our permanent place in October.

For now the focus is on getting reacclimated to the city, finding a favorite neighborhood, and hooking into resources.

deleted scenes

6/17 - we continue our search for a watering hole... literally - a decent place to water our swimwear.

6/19 - researching hostels we find the Lucky 13 Ranch for boarding horses.

the smallest offenders... juvenile fish... must be transported to a maximum security lake under the strictest care.



6/21 - can I just say that we'd have never gone ghost town hunting if they weren't highlighted on the damn map in the first place!

7/2 - i was so excited to find tree forts lining the Wisconsin highway in these somewhat remote fields - "DB! Look! Tree forts! I want one!" then i was horrified... "Wait! Those aren't tree forts! Those are for hunting!"

7/18 - i'd like to officially thank DB for being my official note taker when it was my turn to drive.

7/31 - i'd also like to officially thank all our magnificent friends for feeding us, housing us, entertaining us, etc during our adventure. you have no freakin' idea how you saved our arses. gracias mis amigos! shout outs to MK, RC, SE, PL, LE, SW, CI, and LP.