Powerful Listening

Recently a colleague asked some beautiful questions about the power of listening, and how powerful listening impacts relationships, business, etc. I loved reflecting on the role of powerful listening in my personal life and wanted to share these thoughts with you. My response to her question:

As my listening skills have developed over the years, I have found some of my very old friendships deepening in response. These deepening friendships are usually with people who have always been willing to listen and hear me, on some level. It seems that as my listening skills increase (and people experience powerful listening), their listening skills increase, too. I love this!

In some instances I have needed to teach the people in my life how I want to be listened to, and then ask them for that kind of listening when I need it. This means I need to be (or become) very tuned into my own needs.

My partner and I occasionally remind each other that we need a particular kind of listening... (supportive, problem solving, celebrating, or objective outsider) “Right now, I need to vent...” or “Right now, I need you to find something to celebrate in what I’m saying.” Or we ask each other “How do you need me to listen right now?” Powerful listening is probably one of the three biggest factors in our incredible closeness.

Also, I find that I no longer maintain contact with former friends whom I did not feel truly listened to me – perhaps I could never get a word in, they talked over me, or they didn't want to learn a new way to listen. Usually these friendships felt very draining for me and one-sided, rather than supportive, cooperative and mutually fulfilling. It made sense for the relationship to end.

Of course, releasing draining relationships has opened in me the energy and space to develope new beautiful, nurturing, deep friendships with folks who really do listen in the ways I need. And I provide that same care and quality of listening for them as well.

April Showers

April showers bring May flowers...

I’ve always thought of this rhyme as a metaphor meaning “even the bad things can have good results.” The clouds and rain showers are things that humans generally do not appreciate and enjoy, but they make the flowers grow and we do love those, right? That’s a nice enough message :)

The other night as I was contemplating everything that had synchronistically come together in my life to make it possible for me to enjoy a summer in Europe, it occurred to me there is yet another meaning.

If we consider the rain showers to be our own actions, no matter how tiny or large, then even the tiny actions we take today to nourish our projects, goals, and dreams will result in a sprouting garden and blooming flowers in the months to come. We have some amount of choice about how many flowers we’ll enjoy in our lives, and it all starts with choosing to nourish and feed those seedlings with clean fresh water.

Even the smallest steps toward our goals and dreams move us forward – just as the tiniest raindrops still wet the seeds so they can begin to take root and grow. Every bit of carefully focused action brings our dreams closer to fruition.

What are you doing today to nurture your dreams so they will bloom for you in the months and years to come?

I encourage you to look at what you’d like to grow in your life, and take just a few tiny steps each day or week to move those forward. Before you know it, you’ll have a lush garden, ripe with your own dreams.

Creating what you want: Step 5

Step 5: Open yourself up to receiving

Now that you've shifted your focus (Step 1), gotten clear on what you'd like more of in your life (Step 2), set some juicy and attainable goals for yourself (Step 3), and started taking action (Step 4), it is time for Step 5: Open up to receive!

One of the most frustrating things I've experienced is working my tail off to create something and missing my own boat when it came in for me because I was not ready or willing to allow myself to have what I wanted. If you are closed off to receiving the good that you are working so hard to create, it's not the end of the world. You can try again. But why not skip all that and get good and ready to receive?

Pausing to celebrate is part of receiving. Celebrating is a demonstration of your gratitude to the Divine/Spirit/God. It is your acknowledgment to Spirit that you are experiencing your own divine power and the abundance of the Universe. And that you accept and receive all that is divinely yours. With that in mind I encourage you to celebrate every success - no matter how tiny!

For example, if you are working toward creating better physical health for yourself and you have not put salt on your food for an entire week (because that is what you've determined is healthy for you) - celebrate this achievement by making yourself a card, listening to music you enjoy, taking yourself out to a movie or having friends over for a night of board-games (whatever feels like fun to you). Or just do a happy dance around the living room. It doesn't have to cost money or take hours. The important thing is to acknowledge yourself for what you have done and who you have been through the process.

Enjoy your creation!

Start Where You Are

I was listening to Sonia Choquette's radio show on Hay House Radio and was very struck by some advice she offered a caller who thought she was following her path but felt she wasn't masterful enough to continue.

Sonia's advice boiled down to the following:
Stop trying to become a Master - it's too big, too overwhelming to take on. Instead, focus on becoming a student and teacher - you can do both right now.

What struck me about this was how simple it is. It's so relevant to so many of us, and when I hear it put this way it's so obvious.

I've noticed one of the things that often gets in a client's way of moving forward with their dreams and goals is feeling like they are not masterful enough in whatever endeavor they have undertaken or wish to undertake.

This manifests in so many parts of their lives.
* I'm afraid to sign up for that talent show because my singing isn't perfect.
* How can I enter my painting into that competition when I'm not even a real artist yet?
* I can't be a spiritual teacher when I haven't attained enlightenment.

Somehow we have learned that in order for our work to be meaningful or of value we must already be masters or experts - we must already be at a level of "100 percent" of knowledge and skill and talent. This way of thinking leaves us with absolutely no place or reason to begin because it is virtually unattainable!

As yourself [_fill in the blank_]:
Is my goal to become a master of ___?
If so, there is more to learn - keep going - it's a journey not a destination! And take time to define for yourself what it means to be a ___ master. What does it look like? What does it feel like? What does it sound like? How will you know when you've arrived?

If your goal is other than becoming a master of ___, why let the reality of not (yet!) being a master of ___ get in the way of achieving your true goal or dream?

What is your true goal or dream? What is at the heart of what you are doing?
My personal goal is to help people create more satisfiying lives by accessing their spiritual truth and making choices in alignment with that truth. Nothing in there requires me to already have attained enlightenment, does it? No. I have plenty of valuable gifts, tools, techniques to share already - just as I am right now. And as I continue on my sacred journey of learning and teaching, I'm constantly adding more to that tool box.

The truth is that no one is ever born a master. No one is ever born the best singer or artist on earth. No one is born a senator or president. No one is born a CEO, a mother or father, or an Iron Chef. No one is born with all the skills and techniques they need to be anything other than a student of life. And that is just how it should be - starting out life with all the potential of the world.

Where you are right now is the perfect place from which to move forward in achieving your goals and dreams. You are already masterful enough for what you need to Be and Do in this moment. You've got everything you need and you'll learn the rest along the way.

The Power of Acknowledgment

Acknowledge – “to admit or accept that something exists, is true, or is real.”

I want to acknowledge myself for taking such good care of myself. Wow - I really have. I have done such a great job noticing when I’m stressed or when my needs aren’t being met, and then being flexible, making changes, giving myself new choices, and creating my experiences. I’ve taken time off when I’ve needed it. I’ve been thoughtful about arranging my schedule, and I’ve gotten out of my comfort zone and taken healthy risks. I’ve been thoughtful about the foods I’m eating, trying lots of new foods, taking vitamins, and eliminated a few foods that seemed to disagree with me. I’m stretching twice a week for nearly an hour each time, I’m taking violin lessons, I’m creating art four days each week, and I’m taking naps on weekends! I am so pleased with how well I’ve been taking care of myself.

Acknowledgment is pretty powerful stuff. Think about how great you feel when you are acknowledged by your peers, co-workers, boss, instructors, partner, parents, community, and other folks you love and respect. It feels pretty amazing when someone can see our truth.

Often we tend to shy away from acknowledgments. “Aw, it was nothing.” “No problem, it’s my job.” Yet acknowledgments are a divine gift, and when we shy away from them we are not only telling the giver we don’t accept their gift, but we are not allowing ourselves to receive the gift. We are telling ourselves we don’t deserve it!

Remember a time when you acknowledged someone for something they did or who they were being. What was their reaction? If they did not accept your acknowledgment, what messages did you receive from that persons response? If they soaked up your acknowledgment what message did you receive from that persons response?

Remember a time when you refused an acknowledgment. What was that about for you? What would it have felt like to accept that acknowledgment, to embrace it?

When I refuse acknowledgment, I am not in a place of receiving. I’m likely in a place of lack and not feeling very positive about myself or my contributions. If pressed, I will argue against the acknowledgment and even put myself down to prove the acknowledgment wrong. When I am in this space, I am doing a great disservice to myself and to the person acknowledging me. I am telling them to keep their gift, I don’t want it. And I’m telling myself I don’t deserve to feel good. Ouch!

When I am open to receiving and I am acknowledged, you will see me open up like a sunflower in the sun. My body relaxes, my ears perk up, my posture improves, a smile takes over my face. My brilliance is being nourished and I grow, I feel safe. When I feel safe and valued, I take healthy risks more often, I learn better, and I notice how awesome everyone else is, too!

There are really only two bits of etiquette about acknowledgments.

*When acknowledging others, only speak to what is magnificent while being authentic and genuine. Only say something positive, and only say it if you truly believe it. Authentic positive acknowledgment is powerful stuff that really nourishes the recipient.

*When receiving acknowledgment, take a deep breath in and really let it sink in – let it just soak right into every cell and nourish you. Give yourself permission to really feel it, and really let that smile take over your entire face. Beam. You are amazing!

Make it a practice to acknowledge yourself, too. Acknowledgment from others is powerful, and acknowledgment from yourself is absolutely divine. Not only acknowledge yourself for things you Do, also acknowledge yourself for who you were Being while you did those things (what qualities were present). Yes you completed that project – AND you were totally creative, diligent, and full of integrity while you did it! Acknowledge yourself for trying something new or taking a risk, even if it didn’t work out. In fact, see how many things you can find to acknowledge yourself for in just one day, and how you feel by the end of the day! You can not acknowledge yourself too much – honest.

By the way, you’re magnificent!

Creating what you want: Step 4

Step Four: Take Action!

So, you've shifted your focus to what you want (Step 1), you've really gotten clear on what you'd like more of in your life (Step 2), and you've set some juicy and attainable goals for yourself (Step 3). It's time to for Step 4 - Taking action!

For some people taking action is the easiest part. For others, it is the most challenging. If you find it challenging to take action on your goals, there may be a hidden gem of truth there and uncovering it could save you a lot of time, effort and unhappiness. Do you truly want what you think you want? Or have you taken on someone else's idea of what you should have/do/be? If you've made it this far in the process and realized this goal isn't yours, enlist the support of a coach or therapist to uncover your own truth and treasure.

If you're sure you've got the right goal, but still feel a little challenged to take action, spend some time asking yourself what that might be about. Are you pushing yourself too hard? Is there another way to do/get what you want? What would make this feel like play to you? You may just need a bit of a cheer squad. I encourage you to enlist support from trusted people who will truly encourage you, cheer you on, celebrate your tiniest success as if it were a Superbowl victory, and just share in the excitement that comes with creating something new for yourself. You know which people in your life live for this kind of thing, and which to avoid because they'll tear you down - trust your gut.

While you are being your most authentic self, choose one or more of the tasks on your list from Step 3 and get to work. There are so many ways that you can start taking action - pick a path that resonates for you.

Here are a few ideas just to get you started:

• Eliminate things that will get in the way later.
• Put support in place where you think you'll need it.
• Keep a master list of all the tasks you need to do to reach your main goal.
• Keep a mini-list of just what needs to be done today or this week.
• Only take on one task at a time.
• Choose one task a day or one task a week.
• If three of your tasks involve the same resource or location, and it feels right, do all of them at the same time.
• If a task is too daunting, break it into smaller pieces.
• Ask a friend to help you.
• Invite lots of friends to help you! (People actually really enjoy helping other people - it feels sooo good!)
• If you can afford to, pay someone to help you.
• Trade your skills, knowledge or talents for someone else's skills, knowledge or talent.
• Every so often step back, review your progress, and adjust your goal or tasks to reflect new understandings or how your needs have changed.

Surprise! Step 4 isn't just about Taking Action. It's also about self-care, and who you are Being as you are taking action.

In Step 2 you uncovered the treasure of who you are - what is important to you and makes you thrive. Lets say some of the things you uncovered included Peace, Creativity, Patience, and Community. As you work toward your goals are you being Peace, Creativity, Patience, and Community? How can you infuse those values into your experience of attaining your goals and creating what you want? For example, if you are moving and have a ton of packing to do, you could invite a group of friends to help you pack, aligning your actions (moving) with your values (community).

As you are creating what you want by working toward goals, it is so important to take breaks from Doing. We are Human Beings, not Human Doings. So make sure to take time out to just Be. If it feels appropriate, give yourself permission to stop "working" on your goal for a day or a week. Don't get lost in the task and lose sight of what you are trying to create and why you want to create it!

Now you're ready for Step 5: Open yourself to receiving!

Managing Our To Do Lists

Often we can become overwhelmed with the amount of things we think we need to accomplish in a day, a week, or a lifetime. Small tasks or big goals and dreams can take over our lives resulting in never ending To Do Lists. While there are many ways to go about completing these tasks, and systems to organize them for more efficiency and productivity, I’d like to offer you something better – a new way of perceiving and experiencing your To Do List.

What I’ve noticed is that often there are things on our To Do List that don’t really belong to us, aren’t our responsibility, or aren’t even in the realm of our own control.

These things are “shoulds” we’ve adopted from our parents, teachers, friends, religious / spiritual groups, society, and even things we’ve decided we “should” do/be/have/want for one reason or another. They are responsibilities that we take on which don’t belong to us – perhaps they are responsibilities belonging to another person (family member, housemate, friend, employee, etc.) or organization (government, activist group, etc.).

Regardless of the source, these things are often out of our own control and we use a lot of our energy trying to control them in various ways – none of which create the result we desire, or lend themselves to a life of ease and joy.

When something is out of my own control, I say it belongs to the Universe. It is the Universe’s responsibility or role to make it happen or to make sure it happens, not mine. Some people call this surrendering to God or Source.

Part of what allows the Universe to create what we want is when we are very clear about what we want, and we commit to being/having it (this requires belief and trust that it is already ours). When we commit to an result (usually experience or specific goal), and this result is in alignment with our highest good, our true selves, and/or our right path, the Universe moves to make those things become reality.

We don’t have to worry about the how, that’s the Universe’s role. Our role is simply to know what we want, commit to it, trust and believe it is ours now, and act only on guidance.

One way to gain clarity about how much of the stuff on our To Do List actually belongs to us, and what belongs to the Universe is through the following process.


THE PROCESS
Separate a sheet of paper into three columns by drawing two lines from top to bottom. In the middle column, write your To Do List – all the things you can do today to create what you want for yourself. In the far left column, write the Universe’s To Do List – all the things you can’t control that you would like the Universe to take care of for you. Leave the far right column blank for now.

As you consider the things on your To Do List, also consider the following questions:
* How does this fit within the larger vision of what I want?
* What is my role?
* What are my responsibilities?
* What belongs to me and what belongs to the Universe/Source/God?
* Is there anything on my list that isn’t mine?
* If so, can I release it or give it to the Universe to take care of?
* What parts do I want to be responsible for? What part do I love to do?
* What parts would I love to allow the Universe to be responsible for?

Now, feel free to shift anything from your To Do List over to the Universe's To Do List.

The far right column is your To Be List. Write what/who you want to be as you consider each item on your To Do List. You can use the following questions to guide you.

* What qualities do I want to embody as I complete this task?
* Who/what do I want to Be as I complete this task?
* Who/what do I need to Be in order to do this task?

The most important part here is not only to Be who/what you want to be while doing your tasks, but also celebrate each item you check off your list. Celebrate when the Universe accomplishes something for you, too.


VARIATIONS
You can create any number of variations to this process to make it work for you – there is no wrong way to do it – all ways are right.

You can focus on To Do Lists for categories, using one sheet to include some or all of the categories below, or using a separate sheet for each category – whichever works best for you. Feel free to create your own categories and category “definitions.”

Finances - Your relationship with (giving & receiving) money, abundance
Physical Well-Being - Your body, health, sense of physical safety
Primary Relationship - Your being/not being in a primary relationship
Relationships - Satisfaction with family, friends, associates
Personal Development - Your process of growth and self-discovery
Physical Surroundings - Where you spend time - home, office, car
Rest & Relaxation - Time for regeneration, enjoyment, leisure
Profession - Giving and expressing your unique gifts and talents

I keep a 2.5 x 4.5 inch notepad with me most of the time. The first page is the Universe’s To Do List. Page two is usually my long-term To Do List, which I update monthly or quarterly depending on how messy it gets. Page three is usually my list for this week / today. I tend to use part of my To Do List page as my To Be List, or write who/what I want/need to Be next to each item.

Acceptance in Relationships

When we are in a relationship with another person, it can be so challenging to remember that even though the relationship between us is part of our life’s journey, we each still have our own separate life purpose, life path and life lessons. And we may not be on the same timeline for learning some of these lessons.

This can be exciting and frustrating at the same time. Exciting because we often want to share our solutions and findings from our lessons – sometime we share these because we want to help them figure it all out and get through the tough part. Frustrating because when we share this information they don’t get it! Perhaps they just aren't there yet, or if we're wanting them to use what we've learned, it seems so obvious to us what they need to do to fix things or feel better – but they don’t see it, and when we tell them what we know, they don’t take action!

It may help to recall times when we’ve been in their shoes and people have told us about their learning and how they figured it all out and how we didn’t listen because we needed to figure it out for ourselves, even if it took us 10 years to do it. And it may help to recall times when our loved ones were patient with us while we went through this learning without trying to tell us how to do it and letting us figure it out for ourselves while being an ear to talk to, a shoulder to lean on, and full of love and light. They let us experience our journey without expectations and judgment, and accepting where we were even if it didn’t fit with where they were or where they wanted us to be.

Creating what you want: Step 3

Step Three: Set a goal.

Now that you've shifted your focus to what you want (Step 1), and you've really gotten clear on what you want (Step 2), it's time for Step 3 - setting goals.

At first it can seem daunting... "Oh man, I just committed to... - how am I gonna pull that off with all these bills and...". Take a deep breath. Nothing is set in stone, you don't have to do it all at once, and you can always alter your goal over time to fit with any unforeseen changes.

Here are a few general guidelines for setting goals:

1. Set a goal that will be rewarding - it has to be what you truly want with all your heart and soul. (We covered this process in Step 2)
2. Make your goal reasonable and attainable.
3. Set a reasonable timeline.
4. If necessary, break up your goal into smaller, manageable goals with their own time frames.
5. Be flexible.

In Step 2 you have uncovered that glittery truth of what you want - make that into a goal for yourself. It has rich meaning and will feel rewarding when you've attained it. The truth is, if you don't really want it, you won't really strive for it. So, do your inner research.

Because nothing is more discouraging than an unattainable or unmet goal, make your goal reasonable and attainable. Deep inside, you know what is reasonable for yourself, so set a goal you can achieve. If you are relying on other people or businesses for assistance in meeting your goal, ask them what you can expect from them, and what is reasonable for their part or role. Getting a new job by next Tuesday may be possible but it's a bit unreasonable if you haven't done a job search, sent out any resumes, or had any interviews. There are all kinds of things in the process that require time and people you won't have control over (see below for "Be flexible").

If you've got a big goal, make it manageable by breaking it into smaller pieces over an extended period of time. Generally we don't try to shove an entire potato into our mouths, we cut it up into pieces we know we can handle. And we don't typically try to eat an entire pie in one sitting, we have a piece with lunch, a piece with dinner (well, that's how I do it!) This kind of technique works with goal setting, too.

For example, to become physically healthier there may be dozens of things that need to happen and it can be daunting to consider making so many changes all at once. On a sheet of paper put the main goal at the top, and list all of the things you can think of that need to happen in order to achieve this goal. These are your smaller pieces, or smaller goals. If some things need to happen before others can (I may want to see my doctor before starting a new exercise program, or a nutritionist before changing my eating habits) arrange them in the appropriate order. Make each task a focus for the week.

Know when to be flexible! Attachment to details and outcome can make you miss out on the exact thing you wanted. The things you desire may come to you in a different form, or through a different source than you expected. You may realize you actually want something else, or something slightly different than what you've been aiming toward. Or it may take longer than anticipated to achieve your goal. Be open and flexible. Follow your intuition and allow yourself to try unconventional approaches.

Now you're ready for Step 4. Take Action!

Bunny Lessons

Sometimes it helps us put things into perspective when we use analogies and metaphors. Recently, while working with a client, we happened upon a great metaphor using forest animals, particularly bunnies.

Condensed Version:
Bunnies make mistakes and sometimes these mistake are painful. Bunnies don’t waste time beating themselves up or listening to other animals that say “hey, you’re blue when you should be brown.” Heck no. Instead, the bunny does it’s bunny thing - hops around and eats yummies. Bunnies call this self-care. Something us humans need lots of but often forget!

Full Length Version:
1. Sometimes we hurt. Bunnies hurt, too. And sometimes other animals don't want to see/hear a hurt bunny because it makes them hurt. And hurting... hurts. And since it hurts to even imagine a bunny in any kind of pain, these animals avoid such imaginings. They also tell their bunny friends and family to stop hurting, stop talking about the hurt, and even to ignore the hurt. These animals may have temporarily forgotten how awful it feels to be hurting, and they don’t want to be reminded with bunny pain! They want the pain to go away as quickly as possible. They want the bunny to blend in. But bunnies know that it's important to feel whatever emotion they are feeling in order to move past it - to experience all the joys and pains of being a bunny. They even know that there are lessons in these joyful and painful moments!

2. We are all doing the best we can with what we know and have available to us. Bunnies know this truth. “I should know better!” Bunnies do not "should" all over themselves or each other. Sure, you can “should” all over yourself. And maybe you even did know better. But guess what? It’s all been said and done – and all you can do now is accept what is and move forward. So, spend some time accepting what is, release the need to change things, embrace the current reality and just experience your human emotions. Bunnies do not beat themselves up for eating the wrong berries. They don’t feel the need to be mad at themselves for eating the berries that made them poopy. They just have a poopy day and learn which berries make them feel poopy, so they can make better berry choices in the future. And, yes, sometimes it takes a bunny a couple rounds of eating the wrong berries to figure it out, but they usually do.

3. Bunnies know that every other bunny they meet comes from the same place and is forever connected to them through Spirit. Yup, bunnies are spiritual beings – you didn’t know? Each bunny is unique and has a very special purpose, but all bunnies are part of the same whole. Each bunny has a special journey. And bunnies, no matter how much they want to, can’t change another bunny’s journey. Bunnies try to remember that whatever bad or good stuff happens to one bunny, it’s all part of that bunny’s special journey of learning, and a higher purpose is always being served. All a bunny can do when they see another bunny eating the wrong berries is know that the poopy feeling it gets will teach it not to eat poopy berries.

Inspiration to release an attachment

I've been stuck for a few days on one of the paintings I've been working on. It isn't "right." There is something missing, it's too flat and boring. It just isn't what I was going for.

So, instead of picking up a brush, I headed to the beach for inspiration.

To get to my favorite spot at the beach, I climb down a sandy-dirt path at the end of my street. There are big rocks below all along the shore to prevent erosion, and the water swings in, splashing up into the air and wetting the rocks. It's a remarkable sight to behold.

Walking north, I noticed a beautiful rock sculpture had been built atop one of the boulders below. I stopped to admire this magnificent gift that someone left.

The sculpture was created from various rocks and pieces of concrete found nearby, Each rock was a different color and shape - some long and thin, some round, others square with colors of red, green, brown and black. Behind the sculpture the waves crashed and splashed up foamy white, creating a most picturesque scene.

Clearly a magical place, I decided this sculpture was an intricate doorway and home for the faeries.

Continuing over a ridge, I saw half a dozen smaller rock sculptures! How exciting!
Someone lovingly put great time and effort into making these special little creations, truly giving a wonderful sense of joy to others who happen travel this path. I felt so much gratitude for the beautiful treasures I had seen.

I headed to a part of the cliffs that juts out into and above the water, finding a wonderful spot shaded by an upper rocky area. I rolled out my blanket and let my legs wander out into the sun.

Lying back, I first just took time to soak up the view. The waves rippled in from the horizon, growing bigger and bigger until they folded into themselves or crashed on the rocks. Water washed onto the sand below, smoothing footprints and creating this little ring marks as it fell back into the sea. As the water crashed over the rocks below, beautiful white mist sprayed up, trickling back down into the ocean creating a tiny waterfall.

After a while I closed my eyes, getting centered, and visualized my painting. What does my painting really want to become? What next? What colors does it desire? What shapes?

The answer came to me in only a few minutes: If I don't like the painting as it is, then it I can release what I was intending it to be and be okay making changes.

What a relief! Here I had started out wondering what I should do, what I could do to make it better - make it "right". And the essence of the message that came to me was - if it isn't right, don't try to make it right. Just do something else and see what happens.

With this message, a new wave of inspiration hit and I headed home to paint.

Creating what you want: Step 2

Step Two: Know what you want.

In Step 1, I discuss how focusing on the problem only makes the problem bigger, leaving little time for illuminating all of the possible solutions. Ultimately, it can often be helpful to shift your attention to thinking about what you actually want. After all, we could spend days and weeks talking about all the problems and what isn't working and how much so-and-so really drives you up the wall... but that is the same kind of activity that has kept you in the same situation, turning your wheels and getting nowhere. By shifting the focus from the problem (or what you don't want) to what you want, you stop focusing on something that makes you feel bad and begin creating a positive target or goal - something to work toward that makes you feel good.

So, if Step 1 is to shift your focus from the problem (or what you don't want) to what you want, then Step 2 is to know what you want. The fastest way to get what we want is to first know what it is that we want.

What do you want to experience?
What do you want to be doing?
How do you want to feel?
What kind of person do you want to be?

Imagine a friend asks you, "Can you help me find something? I don't know what it is, I just know that something is missing. Please, help me look." Can you feel yourself slipping away into the abyss??? It would go a lot quicker if they knew and we knew what we were searching for.

Let's imagine that whatever you want is like a treasure - your own personal treasure. What is your treasure? What does it look like? What does it feel like? Can you taste your treasure? Does it have a particular scent? Perhaps your treasure is "a good relationship" or "a good job". How will you know when you've found your treasure?

For many of us, it can feel extremely challenging to know what we want. We are constantly bombarded with messages telling us we need and what we should want. These messages impact our beliefs about ourselves and our world in subtle and obvious ways making it difficult to know which beliefs we hold actually belong to us and which belong to our culture, parents, friends, etc. Even then, when we are able to pin point what we want, we often define it by other people's terms.

Mostly, we make assumptions about what we want based on what other people define as treasure. "Mom and Dad believe having a corporate job is the best possible way to earn a living, therefore I should have a corporate job." It may turn out that a corporate job does make you blissfully happy. The best way to find out what you want is to start inside, asking yourself what feels best for you, what you most desire. If corporate job happens to come up, great - go for it! However, what if something else comes up for you? Something you didn't expect, or something you had dismissed! Hunting for your own treasure, and finding it, will be far more satisfying than hunting and finding someone else's treasure. Remember, you're the one who gets to keep what you find.

Your treasure can be simple, complex, vague or specific. There is no wrong answer. You can start with something vague or specific, then add or release details as you see fit. Perhaps your treasure is as simple as feeling sense of peace. What is it that brings you peace or gives you a sense of peace in your life? List as many things as you can think of. For me, a experience peace when I'm in nature. This can be in the woods, at the beach, in the desert. For you, a sense of peace may be when the kids are at school and all the dishes are done. Or perhaps when you've completed a project at work or closed a deal.

Is your treasure experiencing a sense of joy? Playing tennis? Driving in the country? Knitting? Being in a good relationship? Having lots of money? Being in a band? Helping other people? Sending your kids to good schools? Making new friends?

If you're having difficulty figuring out what you want or identifying your own personal treasure, you might start with something you don't like and apply Step 1. For example, lets say your car keeps breaking down and this routinely makes you late, plus it costs an arm and a leg to repair... and to make it worse, you hate the color! This car brings you lots of grief! Let's take this grief-inducing situation and flip it - What do you want? If it were a perfect world, what would you have/do/be? It's possible that your answer comes easily - "I would have a brand new Lexus" or "a 1996 Mazda, blue with grey interior." Or maybe "I wouldn't need a car, I could ride my bike everywhere."

Another example might be knowing you are dissatisfied and want to feel something else. What would you prefer to feel? List the emotions or qualities you'd like to experience. Perhaps your list contains words like "peace, bliss, joy, satisfaction, happiness, adventure, calm, excitement." Take each of your words, one by one, and think or write about what that emotion or quality looks like. What creates a sense of adventure for you? When is it that you most feel adventurous, or imagine yourself feeling adventurous - what's happening in that scenario?

Additional questions to consider:
What does this treasure represent for you? What is important to you about finding or having this treasure? What does it look, feel, taste, and smell like? Imagine how it feels to have found this treasure? List those feelings. What else do you do or participate in that creates these feelings or experiences?

When you know what you want, you are also more able to perceive subtle opportunities all around you. This greater awareness can help you make decisions that help you get what you want.

The Importance of Play

Over the last few months I have noticed a theme emerging in my life... "the importance of play."

Each time I find myself experiencing stress, becoming irritable or getting frustrated it happens to be during a period of days when I haven't been practicing the best self-care. And for me, self-care must include playtime.

Lately, I haven't really realize I've been stressed or grumpy - I am slightly conscious of it, but haven't taken the additional step of asking myself "what's going on here?" Yesterday, I took the opportunity to go to the beach to play and the results of this activity were incredible.

I just love running around in the ocean, jumping and diving through incredible waves. After expending so much physical energy and just playing like a kid I felt a great sense of exhausted relaxation. Lying on my beach blanket just breathing and resting, and then it hits me... "Wow, I was really stressed." And then, "I feel so much better."

Since getting that hour of playtime I've found myself being less irritable and more playful with my wonderful partner. My level of stress is much lower and I have a much clearer perception of what I would like to accomplish for the day.

This is such a great reminder to me to build in playtime each day, as part of my self-care routine.

Confronting Fear in Meditation

Recently I did a meditation where I confronted a typically fearful image or archtype, the Devil, and received some incredible insight. Below is a brief account of my experience and the insights I gained:

The scene was set in a concrete cell, illuminated just enough to see the corners, two human figures and Devil but all else was darkness. As I looked around, I didn't feel frightened, I felt curious and watched to see all that was happening around me.

The Devil steps down from his perch and sits in a pile of hay against a back wall. The man and woman are alive but motionless, indifferent.

I approached the Devil and he rises to meet me returning to his perch.

"Why did you call me here," I ask.

"It was not I who called you here, but you chose chose to come," he replied.

"You do not seem to evil to me," I say with curiousity.

"Whatever people do not like in the world or in themselves they call evil. I represent that part which is feared and hated but am not evil or good."

I notice a man and woman, appearing indifferent, although alive.

He says, "I do not keep them here. It is their fears that chain them, bind them and keep them prisoner. Truly they are free to go at any time they choose."

I sense the Devil speaks the truth.

He is bored but his role, like a watchman, is to be in this space with those who come here.

He gives me a tiny star, the divine spark of life. He tells me, "Divinity is within every person no matter how horrible they may be, and each of us is merely chained by our own fear and hatred. All the world is open to you if you release your fears. It is your divine right to have all you desire, and you can."

I offer him gratitude for his openness and wisdom, and I exit.

Creating what you want: Step 1

Step One: Shift your focus

We are very much a problem-solving oriented culture. We each spend much of our day looking for problems, reporting problems and fixing problems. We're problem experts. We all have a good idea about what the problem is with so-and-so, with the government, or with xyz. In fact, next time you're surrounded by conversation listen to how many people start sentences with "The problem is...".

There are several key steps to creating what you want in your life. Believe it or not, the key isn't focusing on the problem.

Focusing on the problem only makes the problem bigger and leaves little time for illuminating all of the possible solutions. Rather than focusing on the problem, It can often be helpful to shift your attention to thinking about what you actually want. After all, we could spend days and weeks talking about all the problems and what isn't working and how much so-and-so really drives you up the wall... but that is the same kind of activity that has kept you in the same situation, turning your wheels and getting nowhere.

Remember driver's education? When you begin driving you are instructed to watch the road ahead, keeping your eyes on where you want the car to go - the lane you want to be in when you arrive up the road in 15 seconds.

One reason for this is that wherever your eyes are pointed is where the car will go. If you're staring at the accident that just happened to your left, the accident is all you see. Quickly you'll veer off course or not notice the car in front of you stopping and end up in your own accident.

Another reason is that when you're looking up ahead, you have a broad peripheral vision - the ability to see everything going on around you. This allows you to see the car next to you changing lanes, the pot hole on the next block, as well as the new Exit that must have opened up and which is a more direct route. The result is you are better able to navigate obstacles, see opportunities and get to where you are going safely and more efficiently.

Your life is a similar, albeit different, vehicle. If your attention is on the problem, your life will drive right into the problem. Likewise, if your attention is on what you want, your life will drive straight ahead into what you want.

Shifting your attention to what you want takes your focus off the stuff that makes you feel overwhelmed, unhappy, angry, frustrated, and helpless. These feelings leave you feeling drained and often unable to take action or see opportunities for something better/different. Any action you do take will likely also be focused on the problem, keeping your attention in that space of negative emotion, possibly causing you to miss whatever amazing stuff is happening around you.

Conveniently, when you're focused on what you want, your peripheral vision can see all kinds of interesting opportunities and possible obstacles. This can be a tremendous benefit as you navigate the road of your life.

Shifting your attention to what you want allows you to focus on the things that make you feel good, peaceful or excited, joyful, energized and full of possibilities. When you feel good, you are more resourceful, see multiple possibilities, and are better able to take creative action, allowing you to get what want more efficiently, effortlessly, joyfully and peacefully.

When you find yourself focusing on the problem, take a step back and ask "Wait. What do I really want?" Let what you want become your compass and guide on this great journey.

Self-Discipline, a new definition

Lately I've been thinking a lot about "self-discipline." On dictionary.com discipline is defined as:

self-dis·ci·pline, n.

1. Training and control of oneself and one's conduct, usually for personal improvement.
2. the trait of practicing self discipline [syn: self-denial]
3. the act of denying yourself; controlling your impulses [syn: self-denial, self-control]

Wow, isn't this indicative of how we think? Self-discipline is equated in our minds with self-denial - with stopping a bad habit or even doing something we don't enjoy doing in order to improve ourselves.

Using these definitions, I was having a really hard time putting my finger on the instances or places in my life where I am or have been self-disciplined. In fact, I was ready to admit to completely lacking in self-discipline and was in the process of seeking out advice and assistance from other people when another wonderful life coach I know asked me a powerful question. She asked me to think of self-discipline in a new way, a way that works for me and that I can relate to and that really is in alignment with my values and how I live my life.

It's been just over a week but I've found that there are so many ways in while I have been self-disciplined through out my life, much of it getting me to where I am today.

If we reconsider the definition of self-discipline and set it in a more positive and affirming light, we might prefer the following:

self-dis·ci·pline, n..
1. Creating new and healthy habits in alignment with one's values and goals.
2. Repeatedly taking positive actions over time, often involving overcoming obstacles and challenges, in order to create or achieve something important.

With this new definition, I can really see how I have been self-disciplined in so many areas of my life and for as long as I can remember! In fact, I remember how much self-discipline was involved in learning to read my first book (The B Book by Dr. Seuss). And in high school when things at home weren't going very well, I remember doing everything I could in order to get to school each day. And more recently, I remember working very hard, learning as much as I could about running a small business, and taking difficult yet rewarding steps to become self-employed as a life coach. Talk about self-discipline!

When we really want something badly, we will do anything we can to get it. That is self-discipline. And what it might just teach us, is that if something doesn't drive us enough to do what is necessary, then maybe we don't really want it after all.

Being Fully Present

It's amazing how being present and in the moment, not only impacts our own sense of the world around us, but it also impacts how others experience us and our relationship with them.

I've noticed that during different parts of my journey in this life, I have experienced varying degrees of presence. Some times I was tuning the world out and being introspective, deep in thought. Other times I was so greatly intune with things around me, (conversations around me, bright lights, scents) that I couldn't focus on relationships with the people in front of me. And as I experience the people in my life moving through varying degrees of presence, I have come to understand how it feels from the other side of things.

While spending time with others it can feel frustrating, lonely and dismissive to witness a friend's lack of presence with me, or hyper-presence with our surroundings. The most I can do is call their attention to what I'm witnessing, inquire if there is something underneath that they can express, and then be compassionate and loving while they experience this part of their journey, knowing it is not personal. I can also express the level of presence I need from them and ask them to make an effort to engage on that level, trusting they will do their best.

I am grateful for this new awareness because it helps me recognize how important it is to honor myself and where I'm at, as well as honor where others are at in their process and journey. It also reminds me how important it is to my friends and family that I be truly present with them, and if I cannot be fully present, to make an effort to explain to them my current level of presence and how much I am able to give them at that time, keeping in mind they may not understand and may feel frustration or hurt.

Discovering Misalignments

This past August I traveled to Seattle to visit family and friends. Much to my surprise, an amazing and unexpected thing happened. All of my stresses melted away. I felt so relaxed and at peace. Many of the anxiety-related behaviors and symptoms I experience in my daily life stopped. I stopped biting my nails and craving sweets, my back felt relaxed and loose, and I began sleeping soundly through the night. In fact, a few nights, I was even able to sleep 9 to 12 hours.

A couple days before returning home to Boston I noticed the stress edging its way back in. Ugh. Then, upon returning home and to my part-time office job, all of the behaviors and symptoms magically re-appeared! What was causing all this stress and anxiety? I immediately saw an opportunity to learn something about myself.

I took some time to consider the particular stressors in my life. What kind of stress did each present? Could I make changes that would reduce or eliminate the stress or stressor ?

I found the most stressful and most changeable situation was returning to my office job. I love the environment and the company. But, the work is not in alignment with my life purpose and takes up time I would rather be using for activities that nourish me and support me as a whole person. In addition, I had planned on completing my service there by June, which had already come and gone.

Once I made this connection it became clear to me that the “problem” or misalignment in my life is that I am doing something that does not support my life purpose or personal truth. It is a huge barrier to peace, joy, ease of life, and fulfillment. So, I know that right now is the perfect time to let it go. What an amazing learning experience :)

Letting go is not always easy. But it is very freeing.

Toward A New Perfectionism

When I think of perfectionism, my back tenses up and I feel a sense of dread. I think to myself, "Oh, no! Not that." There are two sides to this coin toss, and we either consider ourselves perfectionists or not. In either case, the P-word, although associated with doing things with utmost precision and skill, also has that side-kick negative meaning.

This brings to mind Cynthia who graciously offered to host a summer party for 15 co-workers, their partners and children. I was baffled when she helped the children fill balloons in the kitchen of her gorgeous Victorian home during a water balloon fight. The baffling part? Dirt, grass and then mud formed on the porch steps and throughout the kitchen as the children ran from the kitchen sink, out into the yard and then back to the kitchen sink.

In my home, growing up, water balloon fights could only take place outdoors. And, if it had ever occurred to me to come in the house, I had better have clean feet. If I did track mud into the house, I probably wouldn't have survived my mother's wrath.

I expressed my amazement to Cynthia. I couldn't believe she wasn't concerned about her floors. With enthusiasm and joy, she merely told told me, "Floors get wet and muddy. We can just clean it up when we're done!"

Floors get wet and they get muddy. We can just clean it up. Cynthia was not attached to having a sparkling floor, and she accepted that the floor would become dirty, and hence, need cleaning. So, by accepting that floors get dirty and can be cleaned, she was able to release herself from the burden of stress she could have experienced. Instead, she had a blast playing with the children. The children had a wonderful time too.

What a refreshing perspective. How much weight do we give all of the little details in our lives, and how much do those details run our lives and consume our thoughts? We have such adverse reactions when we spill juice or coffee on the counter or floor. We feel inconvenienced. The experience is stressful and we become angry with ourselves, our children, strangers. At what cost is this to our health and our general sanity?

Of course we want to do our very best and keep everything sparkling clean. Of course we want to outshine all the stars around us and be noticed for our brilliance and magnificence. But do we need such a rigid definition of perfection? Do we really need to get so upset when things do not meet our expectations of perfection?

We can live more peaceful and stress-free lives if we release our definition of perfection (never getting the floor dirty) and are not in the constant posture of prevention. Similarly, we cannot undo what has already occurred, or change events that have already taken place. Getting upset does not fix the problem, reduce or increase the importance of it, or create happiness and fulfillment in our lives. When we choose not to become trapped in the need for perfection, and instead release our desire to control events and circumstances that are out of our hands, we choose ease, joy and fulfillment in our lives.

One of the most powerful lessons I have been learning in this lifetime is the amazing truth of perfection. We, you and I, are already completely perfect. Everything we do, say, and have is exactly perfect for us in this very moment. It is exactly what we need at this moment in order to find whatever we need to learn to follow our life purpose. In fact, since life is a journey (not a destination), every day offers a new opportunity to learn a lesson, transform a habit or experience, and take the next step toward fulfillment. How wonderful is that?

Because Cynthia allowed her floor to get dirty, she and the children gained a wonderful playful experience together. And then afterwards, they cleaned up. It was perfect.

Like beauty, perfection is a matter of perspective. When something breaks, spills, or doesn't go "our way", it might just be perfect. It might just be exactly what we needed in order to make some other connection that helps us in our goals or life purpose.

While writing this, I've decided that I am a new kind of perfectionist. As I learn to let go of my rigid expectations, and all of those rules imposed upon me by my friends, family and society, I am enjoying experiencing true freedom and joy. It has taken me many years to learn how to live a life of ease and joy. I know that there is more joy and ease to be had with every "rule" I release. Where I am at this moment is perfect.