Many of us have difficulty setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries in our relationships, even if we're great at recognizing and observing the boundaries of others.
When we don't have good boundaries and experience our boundaries being crossed, we often experience frustration, irritation, and sadness -all of which can make it extra challenging to create a sense of joy and love.
There are many ways you can choose to deal with these kinds of situations. When possible, you might choose to avoid the people who cross boundaries. You also might choose to just "take it", allowing them to trample you with their fear and negativity. There is also a point at which you might decide you just can't take it anymore, and you want it to stop.
My question is, how badly do you want it to stop? Badly enough to take action? Or not just yet (its okay if you’re not ready).
Consider first, "What do you want the relationship to look/feel like?" What is your ideal relationship with this person. Or if you notice that "everyone" crosses these boundaries with you, what do you want everyone to do or how do you want everyone to behave in this situation?
Most likely your answer will be something to the effect of "I want to be respected, to be listened to, or to be left alone."
Every person has a right to be respected and to feel valued – you absolutely deserve respect and to be valued, and you know this in your heart to be true.
How do you make yourself feel valued?
What do you do to show others and yourself how much value you have?
Having and enforcing boundaries is a fantastic way to say “I love me.” When you have clear boundaries and enforce them, you show that you have a commitment to yourself, and that you value your energy, time, and space (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual).
And if you’ve been a boundless space before, people are not going to like it that you are building fences and creating boundaries, especially if they are on the “outside”. They like to walk through the grass, enjoy the fantastic energy and views that you provide – no matter what it costs you in stress, frustration, energy or other resources. So, when you put up your new boundaries, know that there will be objections from your community now that they have to walk all the way around that lush grassy carpet to get to their T station. Also know that you absolutely have the right to protect your Self with boundaries! Its your energy, its your life, its your Self! They have a right to have boundaries, too – regardless if they choose to have them or not.
At what point does it become worth it to enforce your boundaries versus “suffer” getting trampled on? Only you know what you are willing to put up with. Its kind of a question of, does it hurt more to have the broken leg or to get surgery / a cast put on? The surgery might hurt like hell, but I guarantee its better than the lifetime of pain that improperly healed broken leg will provide.
Here are a few questions to help you determine for yourself:
How much time, energy, emotion do you spend each day feeling frustrated, angry, hurt by other people who aren’t able or willing to guess your boundaries? How much does it cost you to not have or enforce boundaries?
If you created and enforced boundaries, how much time, energy, emotion would that require? How much relief could it provide in the long run?
Just like anything else, it will take a while to convince folks that the fence you put up is meant to keep them out. And if they don’t care, it might even take a bit after that to convince them to stop hopping the fence. With loving persistence, and compassionate consistency I believe you can teach them to respect whatever boundaries you set.
The first step is awareness and clarity of what your boundaries are. What’s okay and what’s not okay? Certainly, a person can’t enforce a boundary if they don’t know where it lies. If its too daunting to set up a dozen new boundaries all at once and suffer the wrath of the community, choose for yourself what seems like either the “easiest,” or the most pressing boundary to create and enforce.
Next, people have to be made aware of the boundary otherwise they will keep on crossing it. If there is no fence or signage, you bet I’m walking across the grass – its an open invitation and that grass is lush and pretty. When you feel ready, start letting people know ahead of time (before they piss you off and you start cutting heads off) that there is a new boundary and it will be strictly enforced.
Finally, enforce that sucker like a mad woman/man! Lovingly remind people that they have just crossed a boundary – illustrate by labeling their behavior and/or the boundary. Keep replacing the sign and fence whenever they are trampled over until your community complies. If that doesn’t work, call the cops ;)
When people seem to have it figured out, you can decide for yourself if its appropriate or time to call off the guards or replace the chain link fence with something more decorative. You’ll intuitively know who needs to see the chain link fence verses the pretty knee-high wrought iron one.
Of course, if you aren’t ready to weather the storm just yet, file this information away! You can always pull it out later. You know what you can handle right now, and you know what is best for you better than anyone else can ever know.
Know that you are already doing an awesome job!
Your blossoming awareness is part of creating something new for yourself.
There is no wrong/right way to go about this situation, and you are traveling a road that every person has had to travel. Fortunately, you have the incredible insight and self-awareness to see the patterns! That means you get to choose what to do next – most folks just stay stuck in the patterns most/all of their lives not quite knowing why their family interactions feel so crumby.
Whenever you are ready to take that next step, you have some new tools to help you create the life you desire.
Labels: Exercises
